In Between

Ever have that feeling of indifference?  Whether it be over something small, something big, someone, a decision, an event, ever have it? 

I cant shake this feeling that I am supposed to be feeling something.  I wont get into specifics because they'll bore you.  They bore me, but I cant stop obsessing over them.  And yet, I just don't know what I should be feeling.  Mad, I should be mad.  But really, being mad doesn't get anyone anywhere quick.  I should be mad though...

I just don't think I have enough energy in me to be mad.  So instead, I'm stuck between being mad, being hurt, and being satisfied that I can be the person that is above all that.  I want to give a subtle hint, just a little one, so that he knows, he knows I know, but can't prove it.  So he knows I am the better person.  He being the "Mr. Handsy then play it off like it was all her" should feel like I know right? 

It's like I'm stuck in between being this person that I want to be, what my heart wants me to be, and being the person that stoops to levels that should be below anyone. 

I want to be able to look at him, have him look at me and know that I know he's a fuckboy and that I am above it all.  Give him a look that says "do what you want, I can surpass your childish, boyish acts" and be done with it.  But part of me still wants to be mad too.

Is it Thanksgiving break yet?

Let me tell you, since moving from the 518 to the 804 my holiday traditions have changed vastly.  There is no other family coming over for dinner.  I don't get to eat Aunt Jens squash in vast quantity because she isn't going to come down here and make it just for me, nor do I care to make it for myself.  Uncle Art wont be falling asleep in my living room immediately after dinner.  There will be no modge podge of foods made for Christmas eve by everyone and brought to whomevers house was voted this year to eat at. 

BUT, we've made new traditions.  We make certain that my parents neighbors are around, because well we all like to have a good time and the more the merrier right.  Especially now that the kids are getting married and having kids.  We also need to include Jessica and her family.  This is a thing this year more than ever before because now they are getting married, so we HAVE to deal.  Not that her family is bad, they just aren't mine.  So we'll do Thanksgiving at Jessica's house with her family and Trav will bitch because the tv set up isn't as great as it is at the rents.  We will do Christmas eve at the rents because now that they are grandparents (of sorts) that's just what we need to do. We will do Christmas day morning at Jessica's because she is the one to produce a child who still gets into fits over opening gifts.  And New Years, well thats all my rents too, because honestly, I wont have it any other way.

I'm not against change.  It's certainly been different.  Some times, I miss the chaos of my family in the 518, but most times, most times all I want anyway is my babe.  That works out just fine for me.

After these past few weeks at work, I cannot wait until the breaks begin.  I cant even cope. 

And I'm okay with that too.

Tuesday Morning Confessions

1. So this happened.  My dumb ass brother FINALLY asked the girls to marry him.  They both said yes.  Even though I'm pretty sure that Willows answer was the only one to matter.  We planned it all out on Sunday.  I have to say we did pretty well.  She was surprised.  We all cried.  It was a happy, bursting,family filled evening.  Jessica wants a July wedding up in the 518, so we have to get planning as soon as possible.

2.  ICD 10 is lurking around the corner.  I can feel it tapping on my shoulder all the way over here from Thursday.  All I can say is this... THANK GOD I WORK IN SPECIALTY.  I would probably kill myself if I ran a general practice office.  All those new codes.  Puke.

3.My eating habits are ridiculous lately.  I cant stop eating.  And I hate myself after.  I have so many things that I want to look good for in the upcoming weeks/months and yet I cant seem to get my shit together.  I wallow at the fact that I am fat and that just makes me eat more, and then I wallow in the fact that I just ate like a  pig.  Something is seriously wrong with my brain functions lately.  I need a reboot.

4. I dont do pumpkin.  Ever.  No pumpkin anything for me when the weather turns.  Everyone all high strung about the PSL and muffins and I'm over here like... no, just no.

5. I indulged in my first bowl of chili for the season.  And guess what... is was freaking awesome!  Nothing like some chili with a book and a blankie while Redzone is on in the background.  Sunday=made.

Reading Menu-Tormented

Just finished Tormented by Robert Crane.

Having read Grounded (book 4 of the Out of the Box series) recently I assumed that this one would be in continuation of it.  For the most part it was, it contained the characters that were in Grounded both old and newly introduced.  What Tormented did not do that first surprised me, was use the cliffhanger ending, the evil villains getting away.

In Tormented, Anselmo (an evil villain who got away in a previous book) returns to haunt the agency team.  Sienna is on a two week suspension and is on what she considers to be "vacation", or is she?! 

Her brother Reed is in charge of the agency under supervision of Andrew Phillips who is seeming to be a pain in everyone's ass.  Reed has the responsibility of finding a newly formed meta who is a fire burner who just so happened to blow up a wing of an airport unknowingly.  With the news of said explosion all over the media, Anselmo has decided the new meta needs to be one of his team members and too goes after him. 

In the hunt for the new meta Reed runs into Anselmo and Augustus gets hurt, leaving Reed unable to run after him.  This also leaves Anselmo a chance to scoop up the new meta under his wing.  During all of this, Sienna is buried in what seems to be a small ocean side town covered in snow from a whiteout blizzard dealing with a team of people of which do not seem to think much of her.  She is powerless, unable to use her meta abilities, unable to channel her deathly villains she carries inside her soul, unable to heal, and unable to understand the difference between dream and reality. 

She finally succumbs and reaches out to Reed in a dream walk and he finds her locked in her room at the agency in a coma.  Unable to help her, Reed calls his team.  With the help of his team, old friends and new ones, he is able to defeat Anselmo and get Sienna out of her coma. 

Now, my thoughts:
I never, ever, would have expected the ending to be like that.  I didn't for one second think that Sienna was trapped in her own worst nightmare.  I did believe that she was in the mercy of someone who wanted her to suffer, maybe Anselmo and his team.  We still don't know who drugged her enough to put her in the self deprecating coma to begin with.  Crane was so vivid in his words, not leaving any hint that it was all a dream for her.  I really thought she was in a quaint little town stuck in a snowstorm with people who were trying to mess with her head.  Going through the whole book and not knowing who exactly did it... makes me slightly frustrated and eager for the next book to come out. 

Tomorrow's the day

Tomorrow is the day that I've been waiting for for like 6 months.  Yes, it really has been that long, and yes, it certainly feels longer. 

I am going back to what I consider to be my hometown.  Not my home, but where I grew up.  Not to live, but to visit.  It is long overdue and I cannot wait.

And guys, guess what!!??  Everyone is coming, minus a few people I hold dear of course.  Jessica and Willow, duh, AND my parents neighbors.  So it's going to be a feast of sorts.  Kind of like the last cruise we went on where is was all of us, and then some.  Well not really because we didnt know Jess and Wilma then, but same diff.

We are leaving tomorrow around 7-8 in the evening.  Night driving makes me exhausted just thinking about it, but if anyone can do it, it's me and Papa.  So we driving.  We both are the only two who have to work, and we the ones driving.  I dont see how its fair, but I'm not complaining because like I said, if anyone can do it it's me and him.  I am NOT looking forward to the drive though.  I really wish I could just snap my fingers and have us all there.  Like using floo powder in the HP series.  Wouldnt that be a dream.

We going to Witherbee for the first half of the week, then migrating down for the second half.  I really cant wait to see all the people I left behind.  I mean, not to burst my own bubble or toot my own horn, but I look pretty legit right now, I have my head on my shoulders AND it's me.  So I'm excited. 

Now if only I could get through these next two days at the office and its go time.

Even in the shadows

Sometimes, even in the darkest of shadows
We can still feel the light
The faint glow of the past
Slowly fading in time
Reminding us of what was
The glimmers of the future
Bright and wholesome
Showing us what can be

Even in the darkest of shadows
We can still feel the warmth
Of a long embrace
Reminding us of what we held dear
What we can hold again
If we take a moment
To live again

Good or Evil

“I believe that there is one story in the world, and only one. . . . Humans are caught—in their lives, in their thoughts, in their hungers and ambitions, in their avarice and cruelty, and in their kindness and generosity too—in a net of good and evil. . . . There is no other story. A man, after he has brushed off the dust and chips of his life, will have left only the hard, clean questions: Was it good or was it evil? Have I done well—or ill?”   East of Eden, John Steinbeck.


I guess we all have the battle within us.  The struggle to define the good, the evil, the kind, the ugly.  Some days, it's just easier than others to choose, some days its easier than other to choose the right side.  

Reading menu

So I haven't written about reading in what seems like forever. 

Let's see here.  Reading list:

Right now I am in the middle of Go Set a Watchman, by Lee Harper.  To Kill a Mockingbird is, hands down, my favorite novel of all time.  Was first introduced when I was in middle school and I've loved it ever since.  My copy is worn, doggie eared, and well loved.  Go Set a Watchman reintroduces all of my favorite characters, minus Jem, in a story similar to the one we are facing today with the racial differences.  Scout is still naive in everything she does and sees along the way so even though the story is set some 20 years later, she's still young. 

Yellow Crocus, by Laila Ibrahim.  FANTASTIC!  If you liked The Help you'll love this one too.  The novel doesn't have the humor so much as The Help, but it has the love between slave and master, dark and light.  It is based on a true story which gets me because who really lived like that?  It seems so foreign to me that people actually lived with slaves.  People abused slaves to get what they wanted or simply just because they could.  Mattie and Lisbeth story is one of unconditional love that was lost and found again years later after they both escaped a world that they found they didn't love.

The Cure, Angelica Kate.  Kinda sci-fi-ish.  YA.  Good.  Not something that I normally would have read, but I won it as a Goodreads giveaway (ever done this?  No?  You should.  Enter to win free books that are either coming out soon, just in production, or just came out and the author needs to get the word out.) I didn't expect to like it as much as I did.  It has scandal, miracles, love, and happy endings. 

More Than You Know, Nan Rossiter.  This one I didn't expect to like as much as I did either.  The reviews for it were mixed.  Some loved, others hated.  Three sisters try to figure out their mothers great secret after her death.  In the meantime, they find each other, themselves and others in the process.  This story has scandal, love and happy endings too.  Who doesn't love happy endings?

I've read more, lots more, but that's the gist for now.  I'd recommend any of these in a heartbeat.  Pick em up!

Lessons learned in the past few days

It's enough to last me a lifetime really.

1.  Don't ever beg.  It's not flattering, it makes one appear weak and unattractive, and most importantly, one shouldn't have to beg.  If someone (in this case a man) was kind and generous and gave even two craps about you, things, attactions, thoughts, would be given without even having to ask simply because they care.

2.  One can endure more than they think.  Last Thursday I was exhausted, mentally, physically, all around just exhausted.  I went home from work, changed into some running shorts and hit the road.  I ran, and ran, and ran... and when I thought I couldn't run anymore, I had to turn around and run home.  I am by no means a distance runner.  2-3 miles is about the max for me.  Thursday however, I found something deep inside me that kept me going.  Some need to leave it all out on the road I guess.  My father used to tease me in high school when I ran track that it wasn't a good race unless you left something on the track.  If you could stand at the end of a race, you didn't give it all you had.  Thursday I left everything I had on the road, and went to bed some 2 hours and 8+ miles later even more exhausted than I was before.  But I slept wonderfully.

3.  Not everyone can be what I want them to be and I cant change them.  I can only change me, change my perceptions, change what it is that I need.  BUT, and this is a big but, I shouldn't have to change myself.  If one doesn't want to treat me the way that I deserve to be treated then that's fine, they can take a backseat role in my life. 

4.  Validation.  I would like to think that I am a beautiful person, inside and out.  I know that I try to treat others the way that I would like to be treated.  I want to be seen as beautiful in the eyes of others, but I don't need validation from anyone else.  I myself am good enough.

5. Sometimes, doing what's right and what's needed are two different things.  Sometimes, being able to walk away is the best thing possible.

Mental game 1000 and doing things my own way

Sometimes it takes every part of me to remember that not everyone thinks the way I do, does things the way that I do, or feels the way I do. 

As much as I want my "smell good god" to say something, ANYTHING, just because I want him to and because I would does not mean that he will.  I can reach out to him, and get him to say something, but in doing so, in giving in, makes me weak.  I need to step my mental game up times 1000 today. 

My staff.  I am going on vacation in about 3 weeks and I swear I feel like my staff will never be ready.  I don't know if its lack of training, lack of interest, or lack of ambition to do anything , but I swear, they couldn't find their assholes if I wasn't there to tell them where it is.  Is it so hard to think outside the box?  Or not even outside the box, just think "what would Amanda do in this situation?"  that would be WONDERFUL!

I cant say that I am an overly empathic person, but I really try to be good, do good and show good.  I don't know why it's so hard for some people to do the same. 

Sometimes, it's just way easier to do things myself because 1) they'll be done correctly, 2) they'll be done in timely manner and 3) I wont have to check behind someone to make sure that its all done right anyway.  (that very well be the OCD in me, but come on, I am the responsible party if anything goes wrong in the office)

And men are stupid.  If they could just for one minute think: "this is how she would do it" or "this is how she would feel if I did this" and then didnt do it, my life would be easier.

Should be a rule...

Should be a rule...

1... that there is an extra day between Saturday and Sunday.  I need to not be at work some kind of bad.  I need a break.  From staff, myself and physicians.  Definitely physicians.

2... that if you're going to push someone against the wall, kiss them and tell them all the pretty little lies that they want to hear , that you cant walk away.  Secondly to this, don't push someone against the wall the SECOND day, touch in all the right (or wrong, depending on how you view it) places, say things you clearly don't mean, and then just walk away AGAIN.

3... that you can't say you're sorry if you don't mean it.  Don't say you're sorry repeatedly if one, you don't mean it, or two, you know full well that you are going to repeat the action that made you feel the need to apologize in the first place.  You're apologies clearly mean nothing.  So don't waste your breath or my time.

4... that if a woman wants to be formidable, insensitive and such, they should just be able to push a button and a sheath of armor should come over them so that they can't show their feelings, or better yet, can't feel.

28 reasons...

I am a believer in a pros and cons list.

I do it with almost every big decision I have ever made.  Though it may seem silly, it keeps me focused, centered on what it is exactly that I want. 

Though, lately, with this one decision I am having a hard time putting together my list.  Indecisiveness?  Unwillingness to put everything down on paper?  Scared that I may not like what I see, or perhaps I'll like it too much.  I am unsure. 

What does everyone else do?  Do they just go with whatever and hope for the best? 
     See, I know that this has the potential to turn out bad, really bad, but still I am contemplating anyway.

Do they go with their gut?  Their brain?  Their heart?
   Gut is gurgling with anger because I need to eat so really, he's no help.  Brain is saying, stupid girl, don't do it.  Heart is saying, you only live once.

Dwelling about things doesn't make the decision or this choice any easier.  All I can say is this, it is literally all I've thought about for a week.  It makes me weak.  Don't want to eat, cant sleep.  I'm just so out of sorts.  

I don't know. I don't know.  I don't know.

But I guess only time will tell.

Letters

Dear Mr. No Ass,
Yesterday was a whirlwind for me.  I'm not really sure how to put it into words recognizable to you, and for that I am dearly sorry.  My thought processes have a tendency to not make sense outside my own head.  At times, I feel like this is a good thing.  This allows for me to keep secrets, oh and the glorious secrets one can keep.  Here's the thing: I speak in riddles, I occasionally write in riddles, and my thoughts, those two are riddles.  I understand, I don't understand how you don't understand.  It is not going to be easy for me to, as you put it, "just say it, or spit it out". Nor, do I know if I am willing to try.  I'll think about it.
Emotions were raw and undefinable yesterday.  You kept asking me "what do you want from me?".  What do I want from you?!  I am unsure how you expect me to just blurt out what I am unsure of, when you yourself will not tell me what it is that you want from me.  It was a back and forth roller coaster of "what are we going to do?", "what do you want?", and "can we do this?" kinda thing. 
I am not sure.  Sooner or later though, and I would prefer like right now, so sooner is better, we are going to literally sit down and hash this out.  Answer ALL the questions.  Define EVERYTHING.  Establish LINES.  This is not something we can enter lightly. 

And I'm sorry, but I just DON'T know.

Sincerely yours,
Truly, madly, deeply yours,
These are real



Dear time,
Please either slow down to a stop preferably on my off days, or speed up to my vacation days.  I need one some kinda bad or shit is about to get ugly in this office.  I cant afford to fire people before my vaca, so something is got to give because I cant deal with stupid much more.

Thanks in advance,
In desperate need for a break


Dear KSG,
What happened? Is  it sad that I have no idea, and kinda don't care.  The only thing that comes to mind lately is "say something I'm giving up on you".  ( The Great Big World sounds better in my head than my voice does, so that works...)
 
Kindly,
Non-believer

Ing's Lately

Thinking:  ugh, about all the work I need to do on this delightful *read my sarcasm* Monday, one of my physicians, payroll, new employees... the list goes on and on and on...

Feeling:  I had a sore throat and white spots over the weekend, so feeling like I didn't get enough rest to gear up for this week

Wishing:  For my vacation to NY in September to be like... tomorrow.

Wanting: My grapefruit from the fridge at home.

Listening:  to the Maroon5 station currently on Pandora. 

Drinking: vanilla caramel coffee, black, hot and perfect.

Eating: Nothing because I forgot my grapefruit.

Debating: what to each for lunch already, because I forgot my grapefruit.

Diary of a Practice Manager

My boss and I have this love-love to hate kind of relationship.  We pick on each other.  He makes me cry, then he apologies.  I get him lunch, he pays for mine in return.  I keep him in line (sort of) and he teaches me so so so much. 
Technically, I have three bosses because they all own the company, but in reality, only one makes all the decisions.  And he's THE BEST!

Lately, our schemes have been on point.  Our days have been filled with laughter (most at the expense of one another).  AND we've been extremely productive (or he has, for reasons to be told at a later date). 

But back to our schemes...

Last week he asked me for lunch.  His usual go to from the Mexican restaurant next door.  Chicken fajitas, rice, no beans, extra hot sauce.  Never changes.  I wait 10 minutes like always and tell him I'm going to pick up the food.  He knows I am going.  I walk out the back door and immediately come back in and tell him that I cannot get the food he needs to do it.  He doesn't question me, doesn't say "what happened?  You just said..."  he just stands up and walks out the door.  Walking off the curb into the lot he sees it.  The very thing that made me immediately walk back inside. 

Across from our office there are houses.  People live in them, tend to them, and walk around the neighborhood all the time.  Isn't unusual.  But this time...

This time the woman across the street was mowing the lawn.  She was mowing the lawn in her underwear.  Granny panties up to her ribcage, hot pink bra.  Walking around the yard with the push mower probably thinking nothing of it.  I shit you not. 

I'm waiting by the door to see what he does.  He looks up, sees her, turns around and walks back in the door.  Looks at me and says "nope, not going".  His face though... PRICELESS!

Today he thought twice about it before I told him I couldn't get lunch.  Didn't want to subject himself to such nonsense. 

Reading Menu- Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children-- Ransom Riggs

It's been on my reading list for a while.  I love dark, mysterious, unbelievable stories.  While this is not dark, it is an unbelievable story.

The idea what someone could write a story based off peculiar pictures... awesome.  Makes me want to go out and see what I can find to write about.

I wont bore you with all the deets of the book, but I will tell you why you should go out and read it.

One,  if you can picture a broken down castle haunted with children of the past who never leave, are never allowed to leave, but are not seen with the eye of today's people, you need to read.  The idea of the "loop" as Riggs puts it, that no one can enter unless they know how to enter or are allowed in is the perfect way to keep the common folk out of their peculiar lives so they can live somewhat normal ones.

Two,  if you like the circus folk kind of fairytale, this is a book for you.  The children are all peculiar right, so they all have something that common folk do not have, or something that we would think is weird.  Like superhuman strength, invisibility, the ability to read minds, or give life to non-living things.  It's all right there, everything we wished we could have been as children, right there in the pages of this novel.

Three,  it includes pictures.  I don't mean photoshopped photos either.  Riggs writes at the end that all the photos (minus a few) in the novel were photos that he or photo collectors found via garage sales, rummaging through estate sales or flea markets.  Granted, they may all have been faked at some point in time, but when Riggs collected them, to him, they were untouched and real.

Four, if you like a cliffhanger, an unfinished story with no idea of what could come next, pick this one up.  Yes, it may be written for the young adult, but so was Harry Potter and his series and lets be honest, who doesn't like Harry Potter and his gang?!  The whole time I was reading I really had no idea what was coming because the idea of the book itself was so outside my spectrum of knowledge and beliefs that the whole thing was new and ideal to me.

I didn't really want to get lost in another series (I say that all the time, like with In the Box and Out of the Box) but this one is a good one to ravage the series phase with.

Overall, I would give this one five stars.  For being so different, so well written, so everything I didnt think was possible.  Cant wait to get my hands on the next one. 

I cant help it

I am going to a wedding this weekend in Virginia Beach.  I cant help but feel a little underwhelmed. 

Firstly, it's supposed to rain. Uck.

Secondly, I don't have a date, yet again.

Thirdly, it's at a house, on the beach at a house, outside with no room to go inside in the rain. 

BUT...

It's on a Friday so that means I get the day off.

I don't need a date because I am classy and can pull off not having one.

It's supposed to be gorgeous on Saturday so I will still get to sink my toes in the sand and enjoy some beach weather.

Giving unto others

I work in the medical field.  I am not hands on in the clinical world, but I am able to help in other ways at times.  I used to work in a hospital and was more of a help to others, but here in my office, I am more of an asset to my physicians than the patients. 

However, that does not mean that I cannot do something nice for others once in a while. 

The past few months I've been dreaming about a hot tub.  My father has been dreaming about one for years now.  I am a single homeowner, and as much as I would use a jacuzzi tub at my house, my thoughts were that it would be better put to use at my 'rents house. 

So Friday afternoon, I called my father panicked because I needed his help at his house.  He was frustrated with me because I couldn't tell him why, or what, or how.  I just told him that he needed to come home. 

To his surprise there was a nice five person spa waiting for him. 

He was greatly appreciative. 

My father is by no means old, but he's my papa so he's older than I.  He's got sore joints and aches and pains at times.  My fathers neighbors both have RA.  So everyone over there at the house could not wait for it to fill and warm up.  It was truly the highlight of the weekend.  I was elated that I could finally do something for him.  After years and years of him always tending to me, taking care of me, buying for me, it was nice to be able to do something for him, for them.

But it got me thinking about how little I help people on a daily.  I consider myself a kind and giving person.  However, I don't go out of my way often to help others. 

I could have used that money to pay off even more of my student loan.  I could've used it for a down payment on a car.  I could've used it for something for myself.  But I wanted to do something for my papa. 

I think about all those families in Nepal who have lost someone, or everything, and how there is little that I can do over here for them. 

My family may not be wealthy financially, but we are in vast wealth with everything that we need.  Love, support, shelter.  Not a person in my immediate family goes without needing something.  (my brother would disagree here)

Anyway, this was a long, exhausting rant about nothing really.  My point is that it felt amazing to do something for someone else.  I am still elated by the thought of it.

So do something good for someone else today.  In doing so, you'll make yourself feel good as well.

Books for the high school grads

I recently read a post (read her blog here) that someone posted with a list of books she would give to a college graduate and it got me thinking about what I would give to my family and friends for their high school graduations. 

One: Oh the Places You'll Go!
 


I know, I know, who needs some Seuss when you're an adult?!  But the better question should be, why would one ever grow out of Seuss?  I am a full believer of the inner child within us.  Not only that, but the crazy illustrations and words themselves are perfect for someone who is stressed and unsure, or someone who is perfectly aware of what it is that they want to accomplish in the next few years of college or wherever the world takes you. 
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...”
See it's perfect for the graduate starting his or her life.

Two: The Giver.  For the trials and tribulations that life will bring.  For pain and pleasure.  For truths and non truths.

Three:  To Kill A Mockingbird.  This one simply because it is one of my favorite books ever.  It was one of the first books that I read in middle school that I fell in love with.  I don't know if it is still in the curriculum, but it should be.
One should not expect things to be easy.  They should learn and understand the difference between right and wrong, black and white and recognize all the shades of gray in between. 

Four:  For a female: Speak.  Simply because everyone should know that they have a voice and they need to learn how to use it.  College is hard and life after college is even harder.  Starting out and not knowing which way to go, which way to turn, what could happen is something that one doesn't expect to have to figure out when they are in high school.  Having a voice to speak for oneself, even others, is very important.  Not too many realize this.

Five: What Color is Your Parachute? This one is more for the college grad, but it can still apply.  For those who don't really know what they want, or how to start out.  Its like a manual in how to apply schooling to real life. 

'Ing's Lately

Reading:: The Emperor of All Maladies.  Someone told me to read it.  To be honest, it sounds interesting, but I haven't really read much into it.  I haven't had the heart to read much.  And this blog, http://www.alissaerin.blogspot.com/ Check it out. 

Listening:: Maroon5 V on replay.  Unkiss me.  Hands down one of my favorites.

Looking forward to:: My house to be finished.  To slide on my floors in my socks.  To be able to cook on my stove again.  To not have to wake up and let people I don't know in my house every single morning.

Feeling:: Unsettled.  It's overwhelming at times, but I can handle

Wishing:: That I didn't have to work for like the next month.  I would get caught up on so much!  More importantly I wish that my Papa had the month off too to spend time with me. 

Eating::  Grapefruit, one hard boiled egg and a cup of coffee.  My morning routine lately.

Watching::  The Walking Dead.  Just starting following the show.  Currently on Season 3, episode 1.  (One of the reasons I need a month off to get "caught up")

Wanting:: My bed and the above like whoa.

Currenly Loving

The fact that I have brought my child to work with me every day this week.  I normally can, especially on days where we don't have clinic, but now I have an excuse to.  My contractor is at the house all day with the doors open and I don't want her to run out looking for me.  So she sleeps, and follows me, and chews on her treats and plays with my staff.

 

 

The fact that it is getting so warm out.  Today's high is supposed to be 85°.  Severe thunderstorms, but still warm!  I'll take it! And it means that my pretty flowers are in bloom.  I can plant the herbs that I love, the veggies that I eat and the plants that I admire. 

 

Also, my house being about halfway done is a major on my LOVING list.  I cannot wait for it to be complete.  I am going to have a housewarming dos party.  I didn't really have a housewarming when I first moved in.  I didn't feel it was necessary.  Now, however, I want to show off all my nice new things and I want to have a big bash at my house to do so.  There are quite a few chores that my father and I are going to do after the contractor is finished, like make my stained glass office door, built in book shelves for the office, and a window bench for the babe.  I am hoping I can convince Papa to do all that quickly enough. 

 

There's a beach wedding in my future.  Like three weeks away kind of future.  I am hoping that things go smoothly with the office so that my plans are not upset.  But I am looking forward to getting all dressed up (once I find a suitable dress, its hard with the weight loss, it being an evening wedding and on the beach in May, it may be cold!)  I am looking forward to dipping my feet in the sand.  Though I wish that I could have what country song and romance movies are about and make it like a romantic getaway, I don't need it either.  Now that I think about it a little more, I think I'm too tired to even want that, so scratch that one. But I am still excited to get away for a bit.

 

Disarray

My house for the past couple of weeks (6 total) has been in complete disarray.  I hate my house not being in order. 
When the pipe broke on one of the coldest days ever down here in the south, I was not home.  The damage that was done to my first floor was pretty extensive.  I suppose it could have been worse, but to me, it was enough. 
I've had a hell of a time dealing with the clean up and insurance company.  Finally, yesterday the contractor I hired started the repairs.  I am elated.

This is where it all started. In the middle of my kitchen ceiling.  Upstairs is the bathroom pipes. 

Water leaked over into the downstairs bath.

Took my beautiful mirror right off the wall. 

 

The hardwood prior to the clean up crew tearing it up.  You cant tell, but it was all warped and water logged.

The amount of water underneath the floor after they removed the hardwood. 

Walls are down, ceiling in kitchen is down, floors throughout the whole first floor is up.  Everything is drying out. 

 

It took three days with industrial size driers and dehumidifiers for my house to dry out.  It was awful for three days.  Granted I could've stayed in a hotel or with friends or family, but I was paranoid to leave my house in such a state.  So I lived upstairs for a long time. 

I finally heard back from the insurance company two weeks ago and they sent me a check in the mail.  I cashed that shit as soon as I was able.  Of course, however, because of the amount of the check, I had to wait a week for all of it to show in my account. 

So the contractor had to wait until I could buy my floor, sheetrock, paint and such. 

 

BUT, he started yesterday.  I am SOOOOOOO excited.  I am elated.  My house is going to be how I want it.  I can pick the floor I want, the color walls, the color cabinets.  I cannot wait to see the finished product.

 

Stay tuned!

Weight loss adventure

This weather is wonderful for my weight loss adventure I am on.  I can run outside.  I can pick up the yard with Maddie.  I can eat healthier (not that I couldn't before, but when the sun is shining and its beautifully warm outside it's soooooo much better).

Top things on my to do list because it's spring and I'm trying to be healthy:

• Buy a grill.  This is important for a few reasons. 
• I want to be able to grill some veggies. Make hobo meals.  Enjoy the outside life on the back deck with dinner when I get off.
• I want to throw a bash when my house is finished and settled.  Invite my loved ones, neighbors, work people.
• Learn to hula hoop
• I can already do this in moderation.  But I want to be legit at it.  If it was a sport I would want to be number one in the country
• Get a punching bag.
• I made one, but it's too light.  I need a better one
• Get a running buddy
• Anyone in the RVA area want to come run with me?  I got some pretty nice views over here and would love the company.

I keep telling myself that for me it isn't so much about the weight loss anymore, that it's more about being healthy.  I do believe that.  At the same time however, I feel like it's still about the weight loss. 

I started this when I moved down here four years ago and then faltered back into my old routine of being unhealthy.  I didn't gain all the weight that I had lost, but I saw myself spiraling out of control and knew that if I didn't do something quickly I was going to be upset with myself.

When I stepped on the scale in November 2014 around Thanksgiving I was devastated by what I saw.  I remember crying because I promised myself I would never be a certain number again.  I even bet against myself because I was once so confident in my ability to maintain.  The number I was looking at was something I promised myself I would never be again.

So something had to give.  Now, April 2, 2015, I am 20 pounds below that number.  When I started in November I had a number in mind that I wanted to be.  I think that is where I went wrong. 

DON'T EVER GIVE YOURSELF A NUMBER!

This is why:
Now I am about 8-10 pounds away from that number.  Every single person I know has told me to stop.  Has told me its enough. Has told me that I look malnourished, sick, pale...  But I feel guilty stopping.  I feel like if I do, all the hard work that I had just put into the past few months would be wasted. 
It's not like I don't eat, because I do.  I just eat smaller portions, healthier portions, and try to get somewhat of a workout in each day.
(who am I kidding, I eat fruit in the morning, veggies or a small protein in the evening, and an apple for dinner, maybe some dehydrated fruit in between, maybe)  I feel like if my body was done losing weight I wouldn't be able to. 
I don't ever want to be back at the dreadful number, and wish like hell I could continue to go until I reach the goal number I had given myself.  But when is it too much?
When is it time to stop?  How does one know when they've gone overboard and has taken it too far? 
I fear my mentality because I know that I am the type of person who can become anorexic.  Will I be strong enough not to?  Will I listen to those I love enough to stop when it's time? 

Does anyone else have these fears?

Letters

Dear Doubt,
     Please leave.  You've made my mind your residence for far too long.  You are no longer welcome.  Not that you ever were, but I was a cautious participant in this game at one time.  Now I don't want to play anymore. 
     I don't want to think about the "what if's", the "could have's", and certainly not the "should have's".
I know I should have done things differently, but I can't change things now.  All I can do is apologize and hope that things will still be okay in the end. 
     So you coming and clogging my brain with unwanted thoughts, fears, and ideas needs to stop.  I am respectfully bowing out in hopes that you will not continue to follow me.

Sincerely yours,
 Needs to be okay some day



Dear Light of My Life,
     Please forgive me... for everything.

Love,
Amanda



Dear ODAAT,
     I am trying.  Trying to give it a chance.  However, there is this thing in my life, this being, who takes up my everything.  I don't know how to let that go and make room for something else.  To be honest, I don't know if I want to make room.

Kindly yours,
Running out of time



Dear Body,
     I know that you have lost a bit of weight.  I know that you are in shock and don't really know yet how to behave with all I've put you through in the past few months.  Please keep working with me.  We are so close.  So close to being what I say we need to be.  So suck it up sunshine and keep chugging along.  I don't want to be a quitter when it comes to this, so stop playing around.

Always,
Your mind

Consequence

I picked up my dark side the other night.
She was hiding in the darkest of shadows.
Reliving,
Retelling,
Feeling again all the emotions she pushed aside so many times.
"It's all in the past" I try to reiterate.
It's not.
"It's in every decision,
It's in every action, every consequence
It's in every part of me" she says.
I look at her, trembling, cold, scared.
Holding the shards of herself in her hands like broken glass.
Holding so tight blood trickles from her fingers.
Grasping to herself
As if knowing if she ever let go,
She would be lost.
Lost like ashes in the wind.
So she holds herself together, the best way she can.
Waiting in the shadows
Tiptoeing around the light.

Little something secret

So there's this man.

This man who I have met.  Kind of has something to do with my unknown thoughts from the weekend. 

But I'm really just not ready to formulate the words it would take to describe everything.  I am sitting on it.  As if, if I were to tell someone it would make it less real.

I don't know what is going to happen.  One day at a time. 

But I'm not ready to share it yet.  Want to keep it my fun, little, exciting secret.

Reading Menu

Ruthless, Out of the Box Series, Robert Crane

 

Currently almost done with this one.  It's the third book in the series.  Sienna Nealon is a metahuman.  Her powers are to kill with touch.  She holds the souls of the ones she kills in her head.  She consumes their powers as well.  So not only can she kill with touch, but she can make fire, fly and have a super strength about her that makes her one of the greatest metahumans at the time. 

 

Sienna is considered a good metahuman.  She and her team work with the government to control and capture metahumans that are not so good.  She is the warden of one of the prisons in the US that holds some of the meanest, most powerful people in the world. 

 

In this novel, Sienna and her team lose their metahuman powers when a team of Russians come in a give them something to destroy their powers.  They are trying to break the prisoners out of the prison and need the team to be powerless in order to do that.  This proves to be somewhat difficult.  Even though she doesn't have any powers, she does have guns, knives and the comfort of her territory on her side.  This means that Sienna isn't at a complete disadvantage.  She over takes twenty of the Russian team, leaving them hurt and wounded. 

 

The Russians do break into the prison and manage to get two of the meanest metahumans out...

 

And that's where I've left off.  I am curious to see what is next and if Sienna is able to beat the Russians and capture the ones who were released.

 

 

I've said it before but I would recommend this series to anyone who wants to read anything.  This is not the type of genre I would normally read, but I love reading them.  Mr Crane does an amazing job at keeping each book different and interesting.  He often leaves me eagerly waiting for the next one to come around.



Racing thoughts and not so simple ramblings

My mind has been racing.  One hundred miles a minute.  I have yet to make sense of everything.  But that's okay because like everything else that is important to me... I can do this.

My family lost the patriarch of the family this weekend.  I was away at a conference in Baltimore when I heard the news.  My heart was heavy.  Heavy for my mother, who adored this man.  Heavy for my family that I hadn't seen since even before I moved down here.  Just heavy.  Even though there was a sense of emptiness, there was so much more as well. 
I didn't for one second hesitate in going up.  I was almost halfway there for heavens sake.  So I just continued onward up north and kept going until I reached my hometown.  Where I spent 25 years of my life.  Where memories are sweet and bittersweet and just plain bitter. 
Even though I went up for sad reasons, I was overwhelmed by the overall feeling of being blessed.  Blessed because I was once again I was with family.  People who loved me.  People to reminisce and tells stories about the old days.  About the brothers who came overseas with their parents to start a new life in the US.  About my grandfather and his family.  About my mother and hers.  So even though it was not for happy reasons that I had to take a short trip to my hometown, it was a blessing to be there once again.

If there was ever a whirlwind effect in my life, this is the time.  Between Baltimore, and everything I learned, not only about my profession, but about myself and others, and then going back to NY, my mind is stuck in a whirlwind of thoughts.  Unable to process things.  Unsure of whether I really want to, or if I just want to stay right here in this moment and be content with how things are. 

Things can get so messy, so quickly.  I don't want to ruin anything.  I know that being me, I am quick to make things messy.  Quick to dismiss.  Quick to find that one thing, that one thing that will naw and chew and eat at me until I become undone.  I don't want to become undone.  I just want to enjoy. 

So though I want to tell the story about everything that happened in Baltimore, in NY, in VA, I am not ready to put into words.  Not ready to pick apart my thoughts and make them less somehow.

I just want to wait, and be content and enjoy.

But soon.  Soon I will write everything out on paper.  Put words to the story.  Make it more real.

804-410-518

Yesterday I was in Baltimore. Today I'm in Toga.  Tomorrow I'll be in Richmond.

It's been an absolutely crazy past few days. Crazy not in the sense of psycho, but crazy as in "so out of my norm" kinda thing.

Some of it makes sense to me.  Some doesn't. Some I havent even thought about yet.

When I am sitting in front of my desktop and have access I will try to make sense of it. But for today, for today know this: take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risks. -dalai lama

Life of A Medical Practice Manager

For the most part I love my job.  It challenges me.  Makes me learn new things.  Pushes me past whatever it was that I thought I was going to be every single day.  However, there are days where I cant even...

I grew up with my head in a book.  I thought I wanted to be an author, an editor, a journalists; anything that had anything to do with reading and writing was something that I was going to do.  Hell, I even went to college and got a bachelors in English Literature. 

And then shit got real.  I didn't want to be an author, although I do have a hell of a story to tell.  I would still love to be an editor, but given the tech world now and everything being on the internet, there isn't really much of a need.  And journalism, well shit. I just don't have it in me to be honest. 

Both of my parents always worked in the medical field.  When I moved down here and I was looking for a job, I was hooked up with someone my father knew who worked in the hospital nearby.  I started going back to school and someone talked me (not very hard) into the healthcare administration internship with HCA.  So my elective classes became healthcare admin (enough that I got a certification in it) with my major as business admin. 

Let me tell you something.  I love going to school.  It stresses me out in all the right ways.  I get such I high when I bust out a thesis or paper.  Studying gives me chills.  If I could afford it, I would be enrolled in school ALL the time.  But that shit is expensive.  (My reminder is the $46k I still owe and pay on monthly.  It doesn't move, it's always $46 no matter what I pay)

Before I even had my masters, my boss offered me this job in his office being a secretary.  He didn't think that I would have what it took to be what I am.  Little did he know... But he took a chance on me that I will never be able to forget.  When the current office manager was stealing from the company and let go, there was only me in the office.  I had to run clinics, administration, secretarial work.  Literally I was a one man band.  That's when shit got real for me.

I slowly, not so easily took over the place.  I learned everything I could about billing and coding, Medicare guidelines, insurance vendors, EMR/EHR systems, credentialing, reporting.. the list goes on and on.  I knew nothing when I walked in one day and just decided that I wanted this job to be mine. So I made that shit mine. 

I think the worst part for me would be the hiring and firing.  Apparently, I can't hire for shit.  If I could, then I wouldn't have to fire.  But I am young and green still.  I am slowly building a backbone.  I can do this.

I go to a conference this weekend for billing and coding.  Company is paying for me to learn even more.  I cant wait really.

I cant say that I am great at my job.  I still have a LOT to learn,, but I am learning.  In reality, I am shocked at how far I have come in such a short time, knowing nothing when I walked in. 

TGIT

Last night I went to dinner with my brother and his girl and my little squirt.  I love hanging out with them, I feel so comfortable, which is different than normal for me.  We definitely have some crazy conversations.  Conversations that you normally wouldn't have with your siblings, but Trav just laughs and Jess fits in so well with how I think that I am some times amazed.

I have a wedding to go to in a few months and I am somewhat dreading it.  I don't want to be the "odd one out".  I've done it twice within the last year and though I didn't mind, it kind of sucked going home alone at the end of the night.  I didn't meet anyone, not that I really thought that I would, but hey don't some people get lucky at the end of evening of weddings?  Or is that some misconception I have? 

Not that I would ever really do it, but the thought of hiring someone (or bribing) to stand beside me crossed my mind.  Now, all the people at the wedding know me so they'd know that this man isn't going to be someone significant, but I want people to know that "hey, ya, I can catch someone!"

Is it me?  Am I unattractive?  Too strong of a woman?  I don't know, but I don't want the "when is it going to be your turn?" or the "why aren't you married?" question to come about.

I've had two conversations today that touched on this.  One with Jess who pretty much said embrace the hell out of this shit because once you find someone, you're with that someone.  Feel the excitement of being able to walk up to a guy and talk to him without having to get someone upset.  And you never know who you're going to meet at this stupid wedding, it may be someone I will want to be my forever man.  Maybe.

The other convo was with an employee who is stressing about having to live with a man after enjoying her solitude for so long.  THAT IS ME!  I don't know if I want to deal and cope with sharing a closet or a bathroom.  Or my television.  Or my food.  Or my dog.  I only feel that I want it for special occasions and holidays. 

So I am conflicted in my thoughts.  Do I want or no?  Am I excited by the thought of being able to flirt with men at the bar at the wedding (there's one that I think will be there, could be fun)?  Am I  excited about the idea of meeting someone new?  Do I just want to roll around in the hay (or the sand, its a beach wedding) for the night and say goodbye before I have to bring him home to meet my dog?  Or do I want a forever?  I want fucking Fitz and Jake.  I want Vermont and the sun. 

I have a month to figure it out.  Guess we shall see.  I do know one thing though, I am going to be looking fucking top notch, A+, on point.  Guarantee it.  Especially with the new weight loss. 

Reading Menu

I have to admit, I haven't been reading much.  My mind is running too rapid to be able to settle in with a book.  I have started Robert Crane's In The Wind (and Out of the Box series book), but I haven't made it very far.  So updates to follow. 

I received an email from Bill Yancey.  He's releasing another new book and wants me to read and review to promote sales.  I've done this for him before and I have to admit the book I read was pretty good.  He's a physician.  I understand his lingo.  Reluctant Intern was the first book I read.  It was good.   I advise it. 

I also uploaded Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children and am SUPER excited to start that one too. 

The Glassblower Trilogy is currently in my Kindle.  As well as Robert Dugoni's My Sister's Grave.


So point is, I've plenty of upcoming and new things to read.  If I could just get my mind to participate.

And then there's Tuesdays

I'd grown out of my hatred of Tuesdays.  I no long have to share my office with staff I don't care for.  The physicians on Tuesdays are not always bad.  I can get work done.  So I don't hate them much. 

This Tuesday though...

I don't mind being the boss.  But sometimes, sometimes I get so mad at my staff that I cant control things.  I hope that they don't hear the quiver in my voice when I talk, I hope my cheeks don't get flushed and betray me.  In all honesty, I don't know if its anger that I feel, or just the uneasiness of confronting another person.  I silently cuss when my voice waivers because I feel like it gives me away.  It makes me weak in front of them.  I have to remember at times that they just cant do the job as well as I can.  When my heart races and my hands shake I have to do everything in my control not to make it noticeable and walk away, because I am the boss, and though this part right here I may not be able to handle, they cant see that.

When you call in sick one day because you've gotten the stomach bug and come in the next with Burger King, be smart enough to hide that shit.
When you tell me you need to run errands on your break and will only be a half hour, don't come back with your nails done two hours later.
Don't send your resume to the ad I posted and then tell me you're not looking for another job.
This list of stupidity goes on and on and on...

And with my house in ruins at the moment, I want work, no I NEED work to go smoothly.  I need the lights to not smell like they are burning and the drains to not be clogged.  I need the patients to not need any damn paper towels, or the internet to not be down.  I need Medicare to participate with me for one day and be my friend.  I need patients to pay their bills.  There are so many things that I need...

Yet, I keep getting overwhelmed with just everything that isn't happening.  All the things that I NEED to happen aren't.  So I just push through and hope that in a few days, a week maybe, things will be different. 

I don't ever expect things to be easy.  History has proven that this shit is hard, harder than anyone thought it would be, but nevertheless I do hope and pray for easy days, kinder days, carefree days to come. 

Letters

Dear Man a Few Hundred Miles Away,
I know that we connect some, when we think about it, when we aren't busy with our every day lives.  When nothing holds us back, there are times when we both actually pick up the phone and reach out to one another.  It's not very often, but it happens.  I want you to know this though, I think about you often.  You pushed me, helped me, and taught me.  You gave strength when I didn't think I had any.  You gave love when I felt I didn't deserve it.  You shed laughter on times when I felt only tears would come.  You are, and always will be, a big part of me. 
When we do have a chance to connect, it fills me with happiness.  To be able to connect with one of the few (very few) people out there who know me is a gift.  To be thought of as beautiful and intelligent and all those rainbow and butterfly things is something that I can only be eternally grateful for. 
It's been so long, and I left things so abruptly, that I don't know how it would be to do more than just connect via the phone.  I don't know how it would be if we met in person again.  The idea of it, thinking about it makes me both nervous and giddy, which these days, is not something that I am used to.  I've come a long way since I left, I hardly think you'd recognize me.  I mean this not so much physically (though that has changed, I am older now) but mentally, emotionally, I am different. 
I am different.  The whole idea reminds me of the first time I visited.  I was so nervous. Not knowing where we stood or what we were doing.  So afraid to say something wrong, do something you wouldn't like.  I was quiet and shy then.  Though I still hold the quiet tendencies, shy is not really something I am anymore.  I remember grabbing a blanket and getting settled on the couch and you laughing at me.  You said you didn't want anything from me, that it would never happen, and there you were, laughing at me.
I don't know what the future brings, or if we will ever meet again.  The idea of it makes me nervous again, the unknowing and unexpected.  I don't know... I just don't know.

Thinking of you always.

Been a few...

It's been a few weeks.  A few exhausting, straining, bittersweet weeks. 

First, it snowed down here!  For two Thursdays in a row!  A total of about 10-12 inches.  For the south, that's  an immense amount of snow.  It doesn't matter that afterwards the sun comes out and the snow is immediately gone, people still didn't leave the house for two weeks.  What kills me is that I had to cancel two clinics because of it.  Not because I couldn't get here, but because the patients were cancelling left and right anyway and the damn parking lot wasn't plowed.  It's supposed to snow and freezing rain again this Thursday.  Wish me luck.

Second, due to the extreme cold nights and the poorly insolated homes (because its not supposed to get this cold down here) RVA is finding itself in a shitstorm of frozen pipes.  My house included.  I wish I could've seen the look of pure terror when I walked into my home after being gone for a number of hours to see it literally raining in my kitchen.  My first, newly renovated home that I've had for less than two years, is in ruins.  It took Servpro a week to send someone out and I was on three different list (the other two still have not called to set up an appointment).  Despite the fact that it did take Servpro a week, I would recommend them to anyone.  These poor men drove from Miami to help all the poor cold people in VA.  They took my beautiful hardwood floors out, my sheetrock down, and dried the entire place out.  They left twenty supersized fans and two dehumidifiers.  Hopefully they can come pick them up soon because it is uncomfortably loud and windy in my house.  It took them more than ten hours to destroy my house.  It'll take me months to repair it.  The only bright side I can see in this is that I will get to pick out my own things (floors, paint, cabinets).  Hopefully the insurance company can reimburse for what it'll cost. 

Third, work.  Work has been hella crazy.  With PQRS, Medicare meaningful use, and staffing issues, I need a break or I will break.  I want two things: one, to take a break from the office and work from r a remote location to actually get caught up without distractions and two, for a freaking vacation.  When I go home my mind swirls around numbers, codes, deadlines, things that are in my control, but at the same time, aren't.  It's exhausting. 

And finally, 28 day detox.  I am almost done with the first week.  I've lost about 4 pounds.  It's not easy with all these stressors around, but I am dealing.  Besides that I don't have a stove or anything to cook with at the moment so take out is hard to find on the diet list.  But I am going to stick with it... at least until the sour patch kids in the drawer win me over.

February 15 sucked.  It sucked my almost dry.  Almost.  I'm hoping that March will bring better and brighter days with less strain and some days off.

Simple Ramblings

I haven't written much lately.  Haven't read much lately.  Haven't done much at all. 

Medicare sucks me dry on a daily. First I was having issues with the electronic payment system.  Then it was PQRS.  For those who are not in the medical field.  This is a reporting that each individual physician has to do each year otherwise you get a penalty from Medicare.  If we didn't report this year, 2016 would have been a penalty including a 2.0% decrease in how much they would pay each of my physician's.  If things were to stay the same, that would be roughly $14,000.00.  So we did it.  We reported.  I went through all the charts and got all the information needed and put everything together in a nice little bundle.  I hit send today.  It's like a huge weight is lifted off me.  Then the best part... the best part is when boss man (who previously fussed and threw a holy fit about everything, which I understood, but this is my first time doing all this so I didn't understand the process and needed to learn before jumping in) came up to me with a surprise.  First he tells me he's proud, THEN gives me a bonus for completing because he saw me bust my ass for the past week trying to get it all done.

YESSSS!

Makes the day better.  I woke up with my eye swollen half shut with no evidence as to why that would happen.  I have had a cough that I cant shake for the past 5 days.  I'm not talking about an occasional hack, I'm talking every five seconds I'm hacking up a storm because I cannot control it.  Makes me want to rip my chest out.  Nothing is helping.

So I want to sleep.  I don't cough as much when I am asleep.

On the bright side, I just got a bonus, tomorrow is TGIT, and I'm down another 2 pounds.

YESSSS!

Thoughts lately

-TGIT.  Thank goodness its back in my life.  It breaks up my week so much more when I have something to look forward to.  As cheesy as it may be, even TV makes me happy lately.

-My brother is dumb.  I don't know how I let myself get caught up in his drama every single time.  He lives for it, it exhausts me.  He creates it, I've learned to quietly let things roll.  I used to live inside my own head, without care or thoughts to others around me.  I wish I could get him to realize and learn as quickly as I did.  Not that I did it quickly, but by his age I had.

-My papa is back in the states and I was super pumped to just hang this weekend, do chores, be normal.  But now he's sick.  *enter sad face emoji here*

- I am currently listening to all things old school.  Like Shaggy.  He is my gym companion. 

- I am under a weight goal for the past two days, and already its the weekend.  I always fuck it up on the weekend.  Besides that, I did an immense amount of squats two days ago, went to the gym yesterday and ran (fucking ran) at a incline of 10, needless to say, I can hardly walk.  So getting my steps in for the fitbit goal may be a little challenging today.  All I can hear in my head is "just keep swimming"

-I am reading Madness by Marya Hornbacher.  I don't really know how I feel about it.  When I was younger I used to love to read about others issues and there immense strength to overcome them.  After reading like a dozen of murder/mystery novels, I wanted something real, but I feel that this is too real.  I am not bipolar or manic, so none of this hits home with me, but I do appreciate her struggles and her strength to overcome them.  I'm only a third of the way through, so I wonder what the end is going to be like.  Hopefully, I can pick up the pace and move on.

Fitness at its finest

I'm skinnier now than I've ever been in my whole adult life, and I'm not ready to be done yet. 

When I was in high school I always felt like the heavy one.  Not fat, but by no means as thin as my friends.  I admired from afar the "skinny" girls and I wanted to be like them.  They just seemed so flawless.  And then there was me, tall and heavy.  Not overweight, I like around a buck fifty, but not what I thought I should be and definitely not what I wanted to be.  But that didn't stop me from the road trips to McDonalds, or the munching on chips all day long.  And candy, sour patch kids among other various sorts of candy were always on my body or not far. 

Then I went to college, and though I didn't get the freshman fifteen, I did gain some in college.  But I think the worst time for me was when I worked as a preschooler teacher for special needs.  For some reason, at that time in my life I was consuming much more, and none of it was healthy.  No one said anything and yes, I knew I was getting bigger, but if no one else cared, why should I?  Wrong, I should've been the first to care and do something.

When I moved down south I had quit my teaching job of three or so years, I got rid of a man of whom was no good for me, and I left the badness behind.  I escaped.  So now that I could live, what was I going to do?

Living with my parents for a few months the first couple of months I was down here wasn't easy.  They are both overweight and have horrible eating habits.  But I was frantically searching for a job, a home, and ways to occupy my time.  With this came the weight loss.  I joined Weight Watchers.  I became obsessed with counting my points and eating healthy.  Due to the fact that I had next to nothing to do all day, I worked out.  I watched the weight come off.  I started to feel better.  When that happened, I got a job.

I've been working ever since.  I've noticed that its definitely harder to maintain balance while working when it comes to healthy eating and working out.  There are days when I just want to go home and pig out on pizza and not go to the gym.  But I try to stay motivated.  I eat healthy, but I also eat what I want.  If I know that I am going to indulge I try to do so in a healthier manner and I make up for it in exercise.

Before I moved down south I was around 200 pounds.  I was afraid to step on the scale after I saw 198, so I refused.  But I know, I know that at some point I was over.  I promised myself never to be back there.  For me it isn't so much about losing the weight as it is about loving the way I feel being healthier. 

I got down to 160 and under and I promised never to get to 160 again.  2014 was a hard year for me in this aspect.  I had gotten down to under 150 in 2013 and in 2014 I saw 160 creeping up on me again.  So something had to change.  I didn't like how I was feeling.  I woke up tired.  I woke up sad.  I woke up not wanting to do anything.

Back around Thanksgiving, I decided to join a gym again.  The tough decision was going to be which one and how much was I willing to spend.  All the gyms I had used in the past were a good distance away and I knew that the drive alone would deter me from going.  So I chose the one that I literally had to drive by on my way to work, it was a little more expensive, but I had no excuse not to go anymore.  It was 24 hours and it was small, so it worked perfectly for me. 

With the holidays and all in December and Jan, it was hard to stay focused so my weight loss hasn't been optimal, but I am happy to say that I am back down to being the smallest I've ever been in my adult life.  I feel awesome.  There are days when I cant wait to get up and work out.  There are days when my body aches.  There are days when I want pizza instead of vegetables.  But I feel good.  And I look at the scale and I am immensely happy. 

I've also started using my Fitbit on the daily.  It tracts everything for me.  In fact, I've the whole family on it now and we challenge each other to no end.  Weekend challenges, workday challenges, stairs and such.  I've everyone being active. 

If I had to chose a number, I would say that I would love to lose 20 more pounds.  I would love for 150 to be my new 200 (in terms of never seeing that number again and always staying under it) then 140, and then 130.  But I know that I will probably always be a little thicker and I don't want to look disproportionate.  My main goal is to just be healthy.  Get to a weight where I can maintain some sense of healthiness and balance in my life. 

Rants and Raves and Uselessness

Let me tell you something, I hate being yelled at first thing in the morning.  I don't like being yelled at, but first thing in the am just gets my gut in a twist, lets the wind out of my sails and frankly just ruins the whole day.  BUT, I can cope.  UNLESS, the yelling and arguments stop for the whole day, and then right before bed, the yelling starts up again.  Like bish please...  don't ruin my week.

My papa is away with my mother on a spur of the moment seven day cruise.  Legit they planned it last week because it was a "deal of a lifetime" and then left.  I cannot wait for them to come back.  If my papa is not in my day on a daily, I am lost.  I have no one to talk to.  And when the week goes by as shitty as this one has, I need him to talk to.  I need to pick his brain.  I need him to make sense of the things I cannot make sense of.  But he's having fun, and I wish him that, but seriously, he could've picked a better time.

TGIT is back tonight and that is the best part.  Actually that is the ONLY GOOD part. I cant wait to curl on the couch with my babe and be sucked into the Fitz-Liv drama.  Really I cant. I've waited for it for over a month and now that its here, time cannot go by quickly enough.

 I was going to get some pizza and splurge for the festivities, but I am really trying to be good with my weight, so I don't know yet... but probably.  If I can put in a good hour at the gym then definitely.  I've lost 10 pounds since December.  Which isn't a huge deal, but I don't have that much to lose, so to me its glorious.  Although it's hard for me to get excited about it when I have someone constantly whispering "don't get excited, you've still more to lose".  I cant even...

Then there's work.  My work life lately has completely sucked me dry.  I don't know if I'm unhappy and its effecting my relationships, or if that I'm just so super stressed, or if its the people around me who are having issues.  I cant tell, but it's probably me. 

Wish I could just breathe and make things easier.  Wish I wasn't such a novice, that would help too. 

Reading Menu- Linsey Lanier Dos

Still on the Lanier kick.  Have read all the Miranda Rights series and am now on the Miranda and Parker series.  I do however think that there is only three books in this series rather than the five that I started with.  At least only three that have been written. 

About the Miranda Rights series.  I'm going to mix them all together.  For me it was good.  I never knew until the end, or when the author wanted us to know, who the killer was and why.  Which for me the suspense is always best. 
Two, I like the background storyline.  The story behind the murder and mystery.  The searching and finding of Miranda's daughter.  Which she didn't figure out until the last book and let me tell you, I never would've guessed that one.  The relationship between her and the teenagers in the story is great.  The attachment but still the inability to get too attached for fear.  Also, the relationship between her and Parker is delicious.  Not in a steamy kind of way, but in a kind and considerate kind of way.  He is the kind of man I think every woman wants to have a relationship with. 

So overall, for me this series is a good one.  I'd give it four stars.

The Miranda and Parker series I've only just started but it seems to deal with the same scenarios just in a different setting.  Instead of being in Parkers home town being PI's, they are helping law enforcement around the country with cases that are either tough, or no one wants to deal with them. 

After this series though, I'm going to need something different.  Something intellectual.  Maybe something real.  Any ideas for me?

Should be a rule..

That if I text a question in a group message they ALL fucking answer.  I didn't text one or two of you privately because I needed you all to know the information and get your input.  If only one person responds that is no help to me. 

I.e.  Me: I have a meeting set up this week that I keep rescheduling due to our monthly meeting about insurances.  I would like to have the office insurance set up before Feb but I need input on percentage.  We talked about 50-60% of company input, the rest is employee responsibility.  What do you guys want to go with?

G: 50 is a happy medium.  There are other companies that give 85 for just the employee.

B1: no response

B2: no response

Me:

They are no help.  I cant go with just ONE persons opinion.  I need all three to make the decision. 
If this was the first time that this had happened I would be like "ah well..." but no.  This is the kind of shit they pull on me ALL THE TIME.  And its not like they were not just texting me 2 seconds prior.  They have read the messages, they just chose to be a pain in my ass. 

Besides that I worked my ass off all last week to prepare for our monthly meeting and they've rescheduled it 3 times already.

So totally a rant session about nothing important, but fuck me Mondays.  Fuck me.

518 to 804- Weather Edition #2

Schools have been closed for two days now because of what they call "inclement" weather.  Mind you, the clouds did give us a little light precipitation that amounted to a dusting of snow last evening.  But it's 45 degrees out now.  So I don't know what these people are thinking down here. 

This is the backside of my office.  There it is.  The "snow" that closed schools for two days. 

 

Where the hell were these rules when I was a kid?!  I remember my bus stopping at the top of the hill we lived on because the driver refused to go down until the road was plowed.  I remember school closing and the bus drivers refused to go out so our parents had to come and get us because there was 3 feet of snow on the ground.  I remember bundling up in the freezing cold and waiting for the bus stop with snow covering us just in the short wait. 

 

None of this school closing crap.  That shit didn't happen.  Unless you were Icabod Crane.  They always closed. 

Reading Menu-Linsey Lanier

Linsey Lanier writes the Miranda and Parker series.  I was introduced because the first one was free on Amazon, who would pass that up?  I'm glad I didn't because now I'm hooked, and there's a whole gaggle of books I can read!  Yes!

The first book is Someone Else's Daughter.  Second, is Delicious Torment.  I'm currently reading the third one, Forever Mine, but lets talk about the second.

Miranda Right is struggling to find herself.  She was in an abusive relationship with her husband.  She left him after he gave up her daughter for adoption without her knowledge.  Ever since she has been on the run.  Not from anything illegal, but from life, trying to search for the daughter she lost 13 years ago.  She goes wherever hints take her in hopes that she can find the love that she lost.  She gets a hint about someone in Atlanta and from there the story enfolds.

She starts with this PI company because this drop dead gorgeous man (Parker) takes her in under his wing.  He sees something in her that she doesn't see.  He believes in her.  Over a short period of time, he falls in love with her and tries his best to convince her that things can be right with them.  But she has her doubts.

In the second book, she's caught up in a drug overdose-suspected murder scenario.  She finds herself head of the case with Parker's help.  She has rules that she needs to follow and she doesn't.  She has lines that she always crosses.  She walks away from Parker more times than she should, but he loves her so much he always takes her back.  In the end, the person that hires her to find her sisters killer is the one that drugged her and killed her, but there were ups and downs that no one saw coming. 

The relationship between Parker and Miranda is one that any woman wishes she could have.  He's demanding in some ways, gentle and sincere in others.  He would go to the moon and back for her and she doesn't even realize it yet.  The dynamics between the two are spot on.  Its like they are one person they know each other so well, even in such short amount of time. Though there is romance in the novel, the story doesn't revolve around it.  When it does it's the "make you feel good" kind of romance, not the "hot and bothered" kind. 

Lanier does a good job of keeping the killer to herself until the right time.  I really had no idea until the moment she let the cat out of the bag.  It was a fun, easy read that I would suggest to anyone.

Rocky Mountain High, Colorado

Just a view from the resort. 

Another view from the resort, this one portraying
a different mountain. 

Let me just start off with this...

Colorado was beautiful.  I mean hands down, if I had to go somewhere cold, Colorado is the place to do.  Not Denver though.  Denver is nothing but dirt and factories.  The Rockies is where ya gotta go.  It'll take a little drive.  We drove 2 hours to get to the resort, but it was worth it.  Being so close to so many ski resorts, it was easy for us to catch a shuttle bus or gondola ride and be at the top. 

Not even 20 minutes outside of Denver though and you are riding in the clouds to get where you are going.  It was awesome.  And once you're through you look behind you and all you can see is the white bubbly, pillowy looking mass. 

Then you just keep on driving in amazement.  There were plenty of resorts and mountains closer to Denver to go to, but this one in its quaint little town was perfect.  I wouldn't have done it any differently. 

The resort we stayed at was eight thousand something feet elevation.  When we went to the ski resorts though we were well over fourteen thousand elevation.  Breathing wasn't as difficult as some said it was going to be.  I mean, I went running and I was labored really quickly, but it wasn't something that I couldn't handle, just something that I had to get used to.  When I wasn't active, I was just fine.

It did end up snowing some as you can see in the pics, but they know how to handle it over there.  If we had gotten that much snow here in RVA, schools would've been closed for a month.  Temp was brisk but nothing I would've imagined being in Colorado or at such high elevation.  30's and 40s during the day. 



The quaintness of the town.  I cant even.  

You can hardly see it, but this is when we took off.  The mountains
are in the background peeking through. 

Everything was brick or log.  It was beautiful.  All the snow dusting on the trees made it look like a little Kincaid village. 

Everything was a little expensive, but nothing that I wouldn't expect for the tourist time of year.  We had great food, great company, great time.  If anyone ever wanted to go, I would recommend these places...

Falcon Point Resort 
- where we stayed.  Hot tub while it snowed, free breakfast, free wi-fi, walking distance to anything you need
Route 6 Café and Lounge
-last night of our stay we went here for a beer.  Great live band and awesome dancing from the locals.  Cheap food and beer that's quality
Bob's Place
-if you want to catch a game, go here.  There's probably 40 screens all around the bar.  Sitting is family style, so you'll meet some new people
Pazzo's Pizzeria
-awesome pizza.  The best pizza I've had in a while and I like me some pizza.  We ordered take out for the room and they delivered.