Consequence

I picked up my dark side the other night.
She was hiding in the darkest of shadows.
Reliving,
Retelling,
Feeling again all the emotions she pushed aside so many times.
"It's all in the past" I try to reiterate.
It's not.
"It's in every decision,
It's in every action, every consequence
It's in every part of me" she says.
I look at her, trembling, cold, scared.
Holding the shards of herself in her hands like broken glass.
Holding so tight blood trickles from her fingers.
Grasping to herself
As if knowing if she ever let go,
She would be lost.
Lost like ashes in the wind.
So she holds herself together, the best way she can.
Waiting in the shadows
Tiptoeing around the light.

Little something secret

So there's this man.

This man who I have met.  Kind of has something to do with my unknown thoughts from the weekend. 

But I'm really just not ready to formulate the words it would take to describe everything.  I am sitting on it.  As if, if I were to tell someone it would make it less real.

I don't know what is going to happen.  One day at a time. 

But I'm not ready to share it yet.  Want to keep it my fun, little, exciting secret.

Reading Menu

Ruthless, Out of the Box Series, Robert Crane

 

Currently almost done with this one.  It's the third book in the series.  Sienna Nealon is a metahuman.  Her powers are to kill with touch.  She holds the souls of the ones she kills in her head.  She consumes their powers as well.  So not only can she kill with touch, but she can make fire, fly and have a super strength about her that makes her one of the greatest metahumans at the time. 

 

Sienna is considered a good metahuman.  She and her team work with the government to control and capture metahumans that are not so good.  She is the warden of one of the prisons in the US that holds some of the meanest, most powerful people in the world. 

 

In this novel, Sienna and her team lose their metahuman powers when a team of Russians come in a give them something to destroy their powers.  They are trying to break the prisoners out of the prison and need the team to be powerless in order to do that.  This proves to be somewhat difficult.  Even though she doesn't have any powers, she does have guns, knives and the comfort of her territory on her side.  This means that Sienna isn't at a complete disadvantage.  She over takes twenty of the Russian team, leaving them hurt and wounded. 

 

The Russians do break into the prison and manage to get two of the meanest metahumans out...

 

And that's where I've left off.  I am curious to see what is next and if Sienna is able to beat the Russians and capture the ones who were released.

 

 

I've said it before but I would recommend this series to anyone who wants to read anything.  This is not the type of genre I would normally read, but I love reading them.  Mr Crane does an amazing job at keeping each book different and interesting.  He often leaves me eagerly waiting for the next one to come around.



Racing thoughts and not so simple ramblings

My mind has been racing.  One hundred miles a minute.  I have yet to make sense of everything.  But that's okay because like everything else that is important to me... I can do this.

My family lost the patriarch of the family this weekend.  I was away at a conference in Baltimore when I heard the news.  My heart was heavy.  Heavy for my mother, who adored this man.  Heavy for my family that I hadn't seen since even before I moved down here.  Just heavy.  Even though there was a sense of emptiness, there was so much more as well. 
I didn't for one second hesitate in going up.  I was almost halfway there for heavens sake.  So I just continued onward up north and kept going until I reached my hometown.  Where I spent 25 years of my life.  Where memories are sweet and bittersweet and just plain bitter. 
Even though I went up for sad reasons, I was overwhelmed by the overall feeling of being blessed.  Blessed because I was once again I was with family.  People who loved me.  People to reminisce and tells stories about the old days.  About the brothers who came overseas with their parents to start a new life in the US.  About my grandfather and his family.  About my mother and hers.  So even though it was not for happy reasons that I had to take a short trip to my hometown, it was a blessing to be there once again.

If there was ever a whirlwind effect in my life, this is the time.  Between Baltimore, and everything I learned, not only about my profession, but about myself and others, and then going back to NY, my mind is stuck in a whirlwind of thoughts.  Unable to process things.  Unsure of whether I really want to, or if I just want to stay right here in this moment and be content with how things are. 

Things can get so messy, so quickly.  I don't want to ruin anything.  I know that being me, I am quick to make things messy.  Quick to dismiss.  Quick to find that one thing, that one thing that will naw and chew and eat at me until I become undone.  I don't want to become undone.  I just want to enjoy. 

So though I want to tell the story about everything that happened in Baltimore, in NY, in VA, I am not ready to put into words.  Not ready to pick apart my thoughts and make them less somehow.

I just want to wait, and be content and enjoy.

But soon.  Soon I will write everything out on paper.  Put words to the story.  Make it more real.

804-410-518

Yesterday I was in Baltimore. Today I'm in Toga.  Tomorrow I'll be in Richmond.

It's been an absolutely crazy past few days. Crazy not in the sense of psycho, but crazy as in "so out of my norm" kinda thing.

Some of it makes sense to me.  Some doesn't. Some I havent even thought about yet.

When I am sitting in front of my desktop and have access I will try to make sense of it. But for today, for today know this: take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risks. -dalai lama

Life of A Medical Practice Manager

For the most part I love my job.  It challenges me.  Makes me learn new things.  Pushes me past whatever it was that I thought I was going to be every single day.  However, there are days where I cant even...

I grew up with my head in a book.  I thought I wanted to be an author, an editor, a journalists; anything that had anything to do with reading and writing was something that I was going to do.  Hell, I even went to college and got a bachelors in English Literature. 

And then shit got real.  I didn't want to be an author, although I do have a hell of a story to tell.  I would still love to be an editor, but given the tech world now and everything being on the internet, there isn't really much of a need.  And journalism, well shit. I just don't have it in me to be honest. 

Both of my parents always worked in the medical field.  When I moved down here and I was looking for a job, I was hooked up with someone my father knew who worked in the hospital nearby.  I started going back to school and someone talked me (not very hard) into the healthcare administration internship with HCA.  So my elective classes became healthcare admin (enough that I got a certification in it) with my major as business admin. 

Let me tell you something.  I love going to school.  It stresses me out in all the right ways.  I get such I high when I bust out a thesis or paper.  Studying gives me chills.  If I could afford it, I would be enrolled in school ALL the time.  But that shit is expensive.  (My reminder is the $46k I still owe and pay on monthly.  It doesn't move, it's always $46 no matter what I pay)

Before I even had my masters, my boss offered me this job in his office being a secretary.  He didn't think that I would have what it took to be what I am.  Little did he know... But he took a chance on me that I will never be able to forget.  When the current office manager was stealing from the company and let go, there was only me in the office.  I had to run clinics, administration, secretarial work.  Literally I was a one man band.  That's when shit got real for me.

I slowly, not so easily took over the place.  I learned everything I could about billing and coding, Medicare guidelines, insurance vendors, EMR/EHR systems, credentialing, reporting.. the list goes on and on.  I knew nothing when I walked in one day and just decided that I wanted this job to be mine. So I made that shit mine. 

I think the worst part for me would be the hiring and firing.  Apparently, I can't hire for shit.  If I could, then I wouldn't have to fire.  But I am young and green still.  I am slowly building a backbone.  I can do this.

I go to a conference this weekend for billing and coding.  Company is paying for me to learn even more.  I cant wait really.

I cant say that I am great at my job.  I still have a LOT to learn,, but I am learning.  In reality, I am shocked at how far I have come in such a short time, knowing nothing when I walked in. 

TGIT

Last night I went to dinner with my brother and his girl and my little squirt.  I love hanging out with them, I feel so comfortable, which is different than normal for me.  We definitely have some crazy conversations.  Conversations that you normally wouldn't have with your siblings, but Trav just laughs and Jess fits in so well with how I think that I am some times amazed.

I have a wedding to go to in a few months and I am somewhat dreading it.  I don't want to be the "odd one out".  I've done it twice within the last year and though I didn't mind, it kind of sucked going home alone at the end of the night.  I didn't meet anyone, not that I really thought that I would, but hey don't some people get lucky at the end of evening of weddings?  Or is that some misconception I have? 

Not that I would ever really do it, but the thought of hiring someone (or bribing) to stand beside me crossed my mind.  Now, all the people at the wedding know me so they'd know that this man isn't going to be someone significant, but I want people to know that "hey, ya, I can catch someone!"

Is it me?  Am I unattractive?  Too strong of a woman?  I don't know, but I don't want the "when is it going to be your turn?" or the "why aren't you married?" question to come about.

I've had two conversations today that touched on this.  One with Jess who pretty much said embrace the hell out of this shit because once you find someone, you're with that someone.  Feel the excitement of being able to walk up to a guy and talk to him without having to get someone upset.  And you never know who you're going to meet at this stupid wedding, it may be someone I will want to be my forever man.  Maybe.

The other convo was with an employee who is stressing about having to live with a man after enjoying her solitude for so long.  THAT IS ME!  I don't know if I want to deal and cope with sharing a closet or a bathroom.  Or my television.  Or my food.  Or my dog.  I only feel that I want it for special occasions and holidays. 

So I am conflicted in my thoughts.  Do I want or no?  Am I excited by the thought of being able to flirt with men at the bar at the wedding (there's one that I think will be there, could be fun)?  Am I  excited about the idea of meeting someone new?  Do I just want to roll around in the hay (or the sand, its a beach wedding) for the night and say goodbye before I have to bring him home to meet my dog?  Or do I want a forever?  I want fucking Fitz and Jake.  I want Vermont and the sun. 

I have a month to figure it out.  Guess we shall see.  I do know one thing though, I am going to be looking fucking top notch, A+, on point.  Guarantee it.  Especially with the new weight loss. 

Reading Menu

I have to admit, I haven't been reading much.  My mind is running too rapid to be able to settle in with a book.  I have started Robert Crane's In The Wind (and Out of the Box series book), but I haven't made it very far.  So updates to follow. 

I received an email from Bill Yancey.  He's releasing another new book and wants me to read and review to promote sales.  I've done this for him before and I have to admit the book I read was pretty good.  He's a physician.  I understand his lingo.  Reluctant Intern was the first book I read.  It was good.   I advise it. 

I also uploaded Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children and am SUPER excited to start that one too. 

The Glassblower Trilogy is currently in my Kindle.  As well as Robert Dugoni's My Sister's Grave.


So point is, I've plenty of upcoming and new things to read.  If I could just get my mind to participate.

And then there's Tuesdays

I'd grown out of my hatred of Tuesdays.  I no long have to share my office with staff I don't care for.  The physicians on Tuesdays are not always bad.  I can get work done.  So I don't hate them much. 

This Tuesday though...

I don't mind being the boss.  But sometimes, sometimes I get so mad at my staff that I cant control things.  I hope that they don't hear the quiver in my voice when I talk, I hope my cheeks don't get flushed and betray me.  In all honesty, I don't know if its anger that I feel, or just the uneasiness of confronting another person.  I silently cuss when my voice waivers because I feel like it gives me away.  It makes me weak in front of them.  I have to remember at times that they just cant do the job as well as I can.  When my heart races and my hands shake I have to do everything in my control not to make it noticeable and walk away, because I am the boss, and though this part right here I may not be able to handle, they cant see that.

When you call in sick one day because you've gotten the stomach bug and come in the next with Burger King, be smart enough to hide that shit.
When you tell me you need to run errands on your break and will only be a half hour, don't come back with your nails done two hours later.
Don't send your resume to the ad I posted and then tell me you're not looking for another job.
This list of stupidity goes on and on and on...

And with my house in ruins at the moment, I want work, no I NEED work to go smoothly.  I need the lights to not smell like they are burning and the drains to not be clogged.  I need the patients to not need any damn paper towels, or the internet to not be down.  I need Medicare to participate with me for one day and be my friend.  I need patients to pay their bills.  There are so many things that I need...

Yet, I keep getting overwhelmed with just everything that isn't happening.  All the things that I NEED to happen aren't.  So I just push through and hope that in a few days, a week maybe, things will be different. 

I don't ever expect things to be easy.  History has proven that this shit is hard, harder than anyone thought it would be, but nevertheless I do hope and pray for easy days, kinder days, carefree days to come. 

Letters

Dear Man a Few Hundred Miles Away,
I know that we connect some, when we think about it, when we aren't busy with our every day lives.  When nothing holds us back, there are times when we both actually pick up the phone and reach out to one another.  It's not very often, but it happens.  I want you to know this though, I think about you often.  You pushed me, helped me, and taught me.  You gave strength when I didn't think I had any.  You gave love when I felt I didn't deserve it.  You shed laughter on times when I felt only tears would come.  You are, and always will be, a big part of me. 
When we do have a chance to connect, it fills me with happiness.  To be able to connect with one of the few (very few) people out there who know me is a gift.  To be thought of as beautiful and intelligent and all those rainbow and butterfly things is something that I can only be eternally grateful for. 
It's been so long, and I left things so abruptly, that I don't know how it would be to do more than just connect via the phone.  I don't know how it would be if we met in person again.  The idea of it, thinking about it makes me both nervous and giddy, which these days, is not something that I am used to.  I've come a long way since I left, I hardly think you'd recognize me.  I mean this not so much physically (though that has changed, I am older now) but mentally, emotionally, I am different. 
I am different.  The whole idea reminds me of the first time I visited.  I was so nervous. Not knowing where we stood or what we were doing.  So afraid to say something wrong, do something you wouldn't like.  I was quiet and shy then.  Though I still hold the quiet tendencies, shy is not really something I am anymore.  I remember grabbing a blanket and getting settled on the couch and you laughing at me.  You said you didn't want anything from me, that it would never happen, and there you were, laughing at me.
I don't know what the future brings, or if we will ever meet again.  The idea of it makes me nervous again, the unknowing and unexpected.  I don't know... I just don't know.

Thinking of you always.

Been a few...

It's been a few weeks.  A few exhausting, straining, bittersweet weeks. 

First, it snowed down here!  For two Thursdays in a row!  A total of about 10-12 inches.  For the south, that's  an immense amount of snow.  It doesn't matter that afterwards the sun comes out and the snow is immediately gone, people still didn't leave the house for two weeks.  What kills me is that I had to cancel two clinics because of it.  Not because I couldn't get here, but because the patients were cancelling left and right anyway and the damn parking lot wasn't plowed.  It's supposed to snow and freezing rain again this Thursday.  Wish me luck.

Second, due to the extreme cold nights and the poorly insolated homes (because its not supposed to get this cold down here) RVA is finding itself in a shitstorm of frozen pipes.  My house included.  I wish I could've seen the look of pure terror when I walked into my home after being gone for a number of hours to see it literally raining in my kitchen.  My first, newly renovated home that I've had for less than two years, is in ruins.  It took Servpro a week to send someone out and I was on three different list (the other two still have not called to set up an appointment).  Despite the fact that it did take Servpro a week, I would recommend them to anyone.  These poor men drove from Miami to help all the poor cold people in VA.  They took my beautiful hardwood floors out, my sheetrock down, and dried the entire place out.  They left twenty supersized fans and two dehumidifiers.  Hopefully they can come pick them up soon because it is uncomfortably loud and windy in my house.  It took them more than ten hours to destroy my house.  It'll take me months to repair it.  The only bright side I can see in this is that I will get to pick out my own things (floors, paint, cabinets).  Hopefully the insurance company can reimburse for what it'll cost. 

Third, work.  Work has been hella crazy.  With PQRS, Medicare meaningful use, and staffing issues, I need a break or I will break.  I want two things: one, to take a break from the office and work from r a remote location to actually get caught up without distractions and two, for a freaking vacation.  When I go home my mind swirls around numbers, codes, deadlines, things that are in my control, but at the same time, aren't.  It's exhausting. 

And finally, 28 day detox.  I am almost done with the first week.  I've lost about 4 pounds.  It's not easy with all these stressors around, but I am dealing.  Besides that I don't have a stove or anything to cook with at the moment so take out is hard to find on the diet list.  But I am going to stick with it... at least until the sour patch kids in the drawer win me over.

February 15 sucked.  It sucked my almost dry.  Almost.  I'm hoping that March will bring better and brighter days with less strain and some days off.