Three Days In Bed

The clock never stops
And I hate this damn phone
Some days I wanna run
From the place I call home
Guess I'm just needing some danger
Give me three days in bed
With a stranger

*JN* 

Just when I'm about to scream.  

Just when I'm about to pack my bags and go somewhere no one knows my name.

Something turns around and thoughts change.

I ended a relationship this morning.  I've been meaning to do it for a while.  It wasn't a long relationship, and I think for more than half of it I wanted out.  But there was this thing that kept me from not doing it.  He sanity.  I didn't think he could handle it.  So I made him do it.  And it was easier that way.  I don't regret it, but I'm glad the baggage is gone.  

Then I'm sitting down at a local restaurant waiting for my lunch to be done and this very handsome man comes over and asks to join me.  Of course, I say.  We chat for a bit and he asks if it's all right to ask me out for coffee. 

Sure thing, but please don't be needy, insecure, or always looking for reinforcement.  I'm not looking to settle down.  I just want a Mr. Right Now and three days in bed with a stranger.  

is that too much to ask for?

Unsure, indecisive, and uncharacteristically confused.

Unsure about so many things lately.  The anxiety I feel about it is intense some times and most definitely overwhelming.  I am not used to having anxiety.  Being unsure about things, yes, but this unsure, this many things, it's a lot.

I was trusting once.  I spoke too much and it was turned around and thrown back in my face.  The thing is, the person I trusted doesn't know that I know he broke my trust.  He thinks that I don't know he told someone else.  In fact he has come to me and told me that under no circumstances has he ever said anything to anyone.  Whatever was said stays between me, him and someone above.  BUT, he also threw in the "anyone who tells you different should not be trusted". 
He's come to me recently asking for peace, to be friends, to have what we had before.  To be honest, I kind of want that.  I want things to be easy. I dont want to have all this hatred anymore.  BUT I'm weary.
He says "I see that you smile, but there's no happiness in your eyes.  Some day I wish you'd just vomit everything out and confide in me."  Here's my thing: does he really want that, or does he want something to hold over my head again?  Am I stupid for even considering it?  Or should I just slam the door in his face and be like "you had your chance". 
"I don't mean anyone any harm, ill will, or mean to hurt anyone whether it be physically, emotionally or anything." 

Doesn't he know like he fucking broke me? 

What I need

I have this strong desire to be with people and be left alone all at the same time lately.  I want to be where I am comfortable, and that is with certain people or alone.  But yet, I want the cat and mouse game.

HOWEVER, once the game is over, and the mouse has succumbed to my trials and tribulations, my Q&A, their hoop jumping, I really feel as though I have no need for them anymore.  Is that bad?  I feel like that makes me a bad person.  

I've been thinking a lot about a relationship lately.  Both a specific relationship and relationships in general and I kind of cant even.  (that thought was so basic, ugh)  It's not that I have a problem with being with one person, my past relationships indicate that I can be, I just miss the fun, the game, the catch.  

I don't need the "oh you're so beautiful, you're amazing, you're all I've ever wanted".  Vomit.   Every once in a while when I'm down that's okay, that's appreciated, but daily, or weekly?  Grow a pair please.  I know who I am, I'm okay with me.  I mean yeah, I can afford to lose a few pounds and my winter body is no where near swimsuit season, and I'm slightly psychotic, but I'm okay with me.  I don't need affirmation ALL the time.  But more importantly, a man shouldn't need affirmation all the time either.  If I have to tell you how great you are, or how amazing sex is, or how big your cock is then most likely I don't mean it.  I'm not saying "I'm all woman hear me roar" but be strong.  I need someone strong.  Someone who is who he is without me having to tell him all the niceties all the time.  

I need space.  Lots of it.  TONS of it.  Doesn't always mean I don't want to be with a man.  Just means I want to sit on my couch alone and not have to talk to anyone.  Or not have to be next to anyone.  So don't ask me if you can come over and just watch television with me.  If I want to invite you over, I will.  I don't need to be asked daily if we can do something.  I get that you want to hang out, but I have an amazing career that I am working on, and that requires a lot of my time.  I don't want to always have to say no.  Besides that, wait for me to ask.  Make me miss you.  Make me wonder what it is that you are doing.  Make me want to ask for your time.  If I don't get that, I really just get instantly annoyed when I'm asked out all the freaking time.  

I need someone who compliments my life.  Not someone who dictates it, or needs me to dictate his, but someone who can compliment mine.  I work hard, I don't have a lot of free time, so if I'm going to give someone my free time, they should be worth it.  

I can afford to do things on my own, but it would be nice if someone can afford to pay my way for me.  I don't need them to make bank rolls of money, I just would like them to be capable of being able to support me if I needed it.  I want to go on vacations, travel the world, have nice things.  I don't want to have to pay someone elses way to get there or do those things with me.  

So bottom line, I think the perfect storyline for me would go as follows:

I find a man who has a career that is equally as important to him as mine is to me.  We enjoy each others company when we can, no pressure to see each other all the time.  We travel when we can, We do the whole holidays and weddings things together because we have that one person in which we can do those things with.  We grow a friendship.  We grow a bond.  And then at the end of the day I we find that we can't imagine going anywhere else without the other, then and only then can he put a ring on my finger (but it may never actually amount to a wedding.)

Is that too much to ask for?

Say something, I'm giving up...

On a lot of different things.

I am drained all the time lately.  Drained physically, mentally, spiritually.  All of it.  And people just keep wanting more, and more, and more.

Like I have more to give.

But when is enough, enough?

I'm unsure about almost everything lately.  I feel like someone is sitting on my chest at all times.  I feel like a need a cigarette.  I need a nap.  I need to work.  I need a drink.  I need to workout.  I need to sleep, and sleep for a long long time. 

It's exhausting some times. 

Being in this.  Being in this is exhausting. 

Sia on replay all day

"... And the worst part is, there's no one else to blame..."

Jessica and I are heading to DC next week to see Sia.  It's a birthday gift from me to her, because I can count on one hand how many songs I knew prior to buying tickets.  Now, however, I know a few... a few more than I did before, but hopefully not as many as I will know next week.

Makes me think about the things that I have done.  The things that people have done for me.

Lately I've been feeling like "is this it?  Is this all that I'll get?  Is this what I deserve?"   Not that what I have isn't enough, it's just, I see myself giving and giving, and yet... I don't get anything in return unless I ask.
I'm not trying to be selfish, I am really not.  It's just becoming exhausting.  I can take care of myself.  I've proven that time and time again.  And I can take care of others well.

But I want someone to want to take care of me.

Now whether I let them or not is a different story. 

Bad. People

I had a conversation the other day with someone whom I love dearly about society and people individually and as a whole.  I'm not really sure how we got on the topic, but the bottom line is this:  He thinks that there are no good people.  All people are bad.  Selfish, needy, jealous, inhumane, greedy, etc.  ALL PEOPLE.  And that because all people are one or more of these things they are inherently considered bad people in his mind.  That's what he thinks, which is fine.  I tend to disagree.  I think that yes, even though most people do have a tendency to have the above characteristics, I don't believe that makes them what he considers them to be "bad people" I think it's them doing bad things. 
I've never considered myself to be a great person, but I wouldn't consider myself a bad person either.  Take today for example, I was pretty much online bullied by someone twice my age, I could have stooped to her level and made comments back, but I really didn't have one bad thing to say about her.  My only thought at the time was "why is she so hateful to me?" and "what did I do to deserve this?"  If you ask me for something, I will try my best to give it to you, even if it is the last sour patch kid.  I really care about people and think things far more than I should and care far deeper than I should.  I think all these things about myself
But after having this conversation with this man, I realized that he doesn't think this about me at all.  So in his eyes I am not a good person.  He doesn't see that I care?  How can he not?  Or maybe its just that my level of caring isn't above and beyond for him so he doesn't notice?  I'm not entirely sure. 
I don't think I'm anything special but I definitely don't think I'm a bad person.  At least I don't try to intentionally do bad things. 
This doesn't make me a bad person right? 

 

Gunshy

It's JUNE!  I am not really sure why some times fly by, and some drag on seemingly forever. 

Looking at him some times, I want to think that he is a good man.  I know actions speak louder than words.  I now know that his words mean nothing to me anyway.  Maybe it's not that I want to think he's a good man, maybe its that I want him to be a good man.  I want to believe there is good in him.  And maybe at times I caught a glimpse of goodness.  But maybe he was just portraying that to me, so that I could see something that he's not.
The whole time I thought I had control.  All the times I pushed him away, said no, didn't give in, he was okay with it.  Maybe that was just him wanting me to think he was a good man.   
He sure played me for a fool.  Do I know better now?

Yes, I know not to play with fire.  I know that I have a voice thats loud enough to be heard.  I know not to let things get too far.  I know not to let anyone use me.

But still, at times, I want to think that hes not the man I currently think he is.  I want to not hold a grudge because it takes too much of my energy, too much of my brain power and time, too much of what I have and I don't feel as though he deserves that.   

Now I'm gunshy.

So it's March

I went on that cruise.  And my hand was never drinkless.  I cant say that it was a perfect trip, but it was a good one.

The merger with work is almost complete.

I still have an issue IN the office, one that I can't seem to shake.  And it's not so much an issue anymore, it's really just me not being able to deal, to cope with him.  The "why did he do what he did?" and the "what does he think?" and the "am I really that person?" keeps reeling in my head.  The worst part is, that there are so many secrets entwined with it all that I can't talk to a single person about it.  It doesn't just effect me.  So I can't go to my friends and say "does this make sense to you?" because it sure as shit doesn't make sense to me. 

Am I really that girl?

I'm not right?

In Between

Ever have that feeling of indifference?  Whether it be over something small, something big, someone, a decision, an event, ever have it? 

I cant shake this feeling that I am supposed to be feeling something.  I wont get into specifics because they'll bore you.  They bore me, but I cant stop obsessing over them.  And yet, I just don't know what I should be feeling.  Mad, I should be mad.  But really, being mad doesn't get anyone anywhere quick.  I should be mad though...

I just don't think I have enough energy in me to be mad.  So instead, I'm stuck between being mad, being hurt, and being satisfied that I can be the person that is above all that.  I want to give a subtle hint, just a little one, so that he knows, he knows I know, but can't prove it.  So he knows I am the better person.  He being the "Mr. Handsy then play it off like it was all her" should feel like I know right? 

It's like I'm stuck in between being this person that I want to be, what my heart wants me to be, and being the person that stoops to levels that should be below anyone. 

I want to be able to look at him, have him look at me and know that I know he's a fuckboy and that I am above it all.  Give him a look that says "do what you want, I can surpass your childish, boyish acts" and be done with it.  But part of me still wants to be mad too.

Tuesday Morning Confessions

1. So this happened.  My dumb ass brother FINALLY asked the girls to marry him.  They both said yes.  Even though I'm pretty sure that Willows answer was the only one to matter.  We planned it all out on Sunday.  I have to say we did pretty well.  She was surprised.  We all cried.  It was a happy, bursting,family filled evening.  Jessica wants a July wedding up in the 518, so we have to get planning as soon as possible.

2.  ICD 10 is lurking around the corner.  I can feel it tapping on my shoulder all the way over here from Thursday.  All I can say is this... THANK GOD I WORK IN SPECIALTY.  I would probably kill myself if I ran a general practice office.  All those new codes.  Puke.

3.My eating habits are ridiculous lately.  I cant stop eating.  And I hate myself after.  I have so many things that I want to look good for in the upcoming weeks/months and yet I cant seem to get my shit together.  I wallow at the fact that I am fat and that just makes me eat more, and then I wallow in the fact that I just ate like a  pig.  Something is seriously wrong with my brain functions lately.  I need a reboot.

4. I dont do pumpkin.  Ever.  No pumpkin anything for me when the weather turns.  Everyone all high strung about the PSL and muffins and I'm over here like... no, just no.

5. I indulged in my first bowl of chili for the season.  And guess what... is was freaking awesome!  Nothing like some chili with a book and a blankie while Redzone is on in the background.  Sunday=made.

Lessons learned in the past few days

It's enough to last me a lifetime really.

1.  Don't ever beg.  It's not flattering, it makes one appear weak and unattractive, and most importantly, one shouldn't have to beg.  If someone (in this case a man) was kind and generous and gave even two craps about you, things, attactions, thoughts, would be given without even having to ask simply because they care.

2.  One can endure more than they think.  Last Thursday I was exhausted, mentally, physically, all around just exhausted.  I went home from work, changed into some running shorts and hit the road.  I ran, and ran, and ran... and when I thought I couldn't run anymore, I had to turn around and run home.  I am by no means a distance runner.  2-3 miles is about the max for me.  Thursday however, I found something deep inside me that kept me going.  Some need to leave it all out on the road I guess.  My father used to tease me in high school when I ran track that it wasn't a good race unless you left something on the track.  If you could stand at the end of a race, you didn't give it all you had.  Thursday I left everything I had on the road, and went to bed some 2 hours and 8+ miles later even more exhausted than I was before.  But I slept wonderfully.

3.  Not everyone can be what I want them to be and I cant change them.  I can only change me, change my perceptions, change what it is that I need.  BUT, and this is a big but, I shouldn't have to change myself.  If one doesn't want to treat me the way that I deserve to be treated then that's fine, they can take a backseat role in my life. 

4.  Validation.  I would like to think that I am a beautiful person, inside and out.  I know that I try to treat others the way that I would like to be treated.  I want to be seen as beautiful in the eyes of others, but I don't need validation from anyone else.  I myself am good enough.

5. Sometimes, doing what's right and what's needed are two different things.  Sometimes, being able to walk away is the best thing possible.

Mental game 1000 and doing things my own way

Sometimes it takes every part of me to remember that not everyone thinks the way I do, does things the way that I do, or feels the way I do. 

As much as I want my "smell good god" to say something, ANYTHING, just because I want him to and because I would does not mean that he will.  I can reach out to him, and get him to say something, but in doing so, in giving in, makes me weak.  I need to step my mental game up times 1000 today. 

My staff.  I am going on vacation in about 3 weeks and I swear I feel like my staff will never be ready.  I don't know if its lack of training, lack of interest, or lack of ambition to do anything , but I swear, they couldn't find their assholes if I wasn't there to tell them where it is.  Is it so hard to think outside the box?  Or not even outside the box, just think "what would Amanda do in this situation?"  that would be WONDERFUL!

I cant say that I am an overly empathic person, but I really try to be good, do good and show good.  I don't know why it's so hard for some people to do the same. 

Sometimes, it's just way easier to do things myself because 1) they'll be done correctly, 2) they'll be done in timely manner and 3) I wont have to check behind someone to make sure that its all done right anyway.  (that very well be the OCD in me, but come on, I am the responsible party if anything goes wrong in the office)

And men are stupid.  If they could just for one minute think: "this is how she would do it" or "this is how she would feel if I did this" and then didnt do it, my life would be easier.

Should be a rule...

Should be a rule...

1... that there is an extra day between Saturday and Sunday.  I need to not be at work some kind of bad.  I need a break.  From staff, myself and physicians.  Definitely physicians.

2... that if you're going to push someone against the wall, kiss them and tell them all the pretty little lies that they want to hear , that you cant walk away.  Secondly to this, don't push someone against the wall the SECOND day, touch in all the right (or wrong, depending on how you view it) places, say things you clearly don't mean, and then just walk away AGAIN.

3... that you can't say you're sorry if you don't mean it.  Don't say you're sorry repeatedly if one, you don't mean it, or two, you know full well that you are going to repeat the action that made you feel the need to apologize in the first place.  You're apologies clearly mean nothing.  So don't waste your breath or my time.

4... that if a woman wants to be formidable, insensitive and such, they should just be able to push a button and a sheath of armor should come over them so that they can't show their feelings, or better yet, can't feel.

28 reasons...

I am a believer in a pros and cons list.

I do it with almost every big decision I have ever made.  Though it may seem silly, it keeps me focused, centered on what it is exactly that I want. 

Though, lately, with this one decision I am having a hard time putting together my list.  Indecisiveness?  Unwillingness to put everything down on paper?  Scared that I may not like what I see, or perhaps I'll like it too much.  I am unsure. 

What does everyone else do?  Do they just go with whatever and hope for the best? 
     See, I know that this has the potential to turn out bad, really bad, but still I am contemplating anyway.

Do they go with their gut?  Their brain?  Their heart?
   Gut is gurgling with anger because I need to eat so really, he's no help.  Brain is saying, stupid girl, don't do it.  Heart is saying, you only live once.

Dwelling about things doesn't make the decision or this choice any easier.  All I can say is this, it is literally all I've thought about for a week.  It makes me weak.  Don't want to eat, cant sleep.  I'm just so out of sorts.  

I don't know. I don't know.  I don't know.

But I guess only time will tell.

Letters

Dear Mr. No Ass,
Yesterday was a whirlwind for me.  I'm not really sure how to put it into words recognizable to you, and for that I am dearly sorry.  My thought processes have a tendency to not make sense outside my own head.  At times, I feel like this is a good thing.  This allows for me to keep secrets, oh and the glorious secrets one can keep.  Here's the thing: I speak in riddles, I occasionally write in riddles, and my thoughts, those two are riddles.  I understand, I don't understand how you don't understand.  It is not going to be easy for me to, as you put it, "just say it, or spit it out". Nor, do I know if I am willing to try.  I'll think about it.
Emotions were raw and undefinable yesterday.  You kept asking me "what do you want from me?".  What do I want from you?!  I am unsure how you expect me to just blurt out what I am unsure of, when you yourself will not tell me what it is that you want from me.  It was a back and forth roller coaster of "what are we going to do?", "what do you want?", and "can we do this?" kinda thing. 
I am not sure.  Sooner or later though, and I would prefer like right now, so sooner is better, we are going to literally sit down and hash this out.  Answer ALL the questions.  Define EVERYTHING.  Establish LINES.  This is not something we can enter lightly. 

And I'm sorry, but I just DON'T know.

Sincerely yours,
Truly, madly, deeply yours,
These are real



Dear time,
Please either slow down to a stop preferably on my off days, or speed up to my vacation days.  I need one some kinda bad or shit is about to get ugly in this office.  I cant afford to fire people before my vaca, so something is got to give because I cant deal with stupid much more.

Thanks in advance,
In desperate need for a break


Dear KSG,
What happened? Is  it sad that I have no idea, and kinda don't care.  The only thing that comes to mind lately is "say something I'm giving up on you".  ( The Great Big World sounds better in my head than my voice does, so that works...)
 
Kindly,
Non-believer

Little something secret

So there's this man.

This man who I have met.  Kind of has something to do with my unknown thoughts from the weekend. 

But I'm really just not ready to formulate the words it would take to describe everything.  I am sitting on it.  As if, if I were to tell someone it would make it less real.

I don't know what is going to happen.  One day at a time. 

But I'm not ready to share it yet.  Want to keep it my fun, little, exciting secret.

Been a few...

It's been a few weeks.  A few exhausting, straining, bittersweet weeks. 

First, it snowed down here!  For two Thursdays in a row!  A total of about 10-12 inches.  For the south, that's  an immense amount of snow.  It doesn't matter that afterwards the sun comes out and the snow is immediately gone, people still didn't leave the house for two weeks.  What kills me is that I had to cancel two clinics because of it.  Not because I couldn't get here, but because the patients were cancelling left and right anyway and the damn parking lot wasn't plowed.  It's supposed to snow and freezing rain again this Thursday.  Wish me luck.

Second, due to the extreme cold nights and the poorly insolated homes (because its not supposed to get this cold down here) RVA is finding itself in a shitstorm of frozen pipes.  My house included.  I wish I could've seen the look of pure terror when I walked into my home after being gone for a number of hours to see it literally raining in my kitchen.  My first, newly renovated home that I've had for less than two years, is in ruins.  It took Servpro a week to send someone out and I was on three different list (the other two still have not called to set up an appointment).  Despite the fact that it did take Servpro a week, I would recommend them to anyone.  These poor men drove from Miami to help all the poor cold people in VA.  They took my beautiful hardwood floors out, my sheetrock down, and dried the entire place out.  They left twenty supersized fans and two dehumidifiers.  Hopefully they can come pick them up soon because it is uncomfortably loud and windy in my house.  It took them more than ten hours to destroy my house.  It'll take me months to repair it.  The only bright side I can see in this is that I will get to pick out my own things (floors, paint, cabinets).  Hopefully the insurance company can reimburse for what it'll cost. 

Third, work.  Work has been hella crazy.  With PQRS, Medicare meaningful use, and staffing issues, I need a break or I will break.  I want two things: one, to take a break from the office and work from r a remote location to actually get caught up without distractions and two, for a freaking vacation.  When I go home my mind swirls around numbers, codes, deadlines, things that are in my control, but at the same time, aren't.  It's exhausting. 

And finally, 28 day detox.  I am almost done with the first week.  I've lost about 4 pounds.  It's not easy with all these stressors around, but I am dealing.  Besides that I don't have a stove or anything to cook with at the moment so take out is hard to find on the diet list.  But I am going to stick with it... at least until the sour patch kids in the drawer win me over.

February 15 sucked.  It sucked my almost dry.  Almost.  I'm hoping that March will bring better and brighter days with less strain and some days off.

Because you wanted to know of course

You were dying to!  11 weird facts about myself.  Lets see if I can come up with 11.  (because we all know I am in no way shape or form weird or any kind of abnormal)

1.  I have a fur child named Maddie, this is well known, but what you didn't know (probably) is that I looked for Maddie for years.  I mean years.  I talked to people from Craigslist who had cocker spaniels for sale or free, I went to pet adoptions, I went to stores but none of the ones that I saw were my Maddie.  I had a name for her and I knew exactly what I was looking for.  Then one day I talked to my papa about it seriously and we talked about going to this place that had breeders and rescued puppies.  Didn't really want a puppy and he said "its easier to say you're sorry than to ask for permission".  But let me tell you, when I walked in a saw that golden face with those green eyes and the pink nose I was like "huh, potential."  I walked over to her and she got on her hind legs and scratched at my thighs for me to pick her up.  It was literally love at first sight for the both of us.  I cannot have another animal at the moment because she is the one.  But if I ever did... A black girl (some kind of spaniel, doesn't need to be cocker) named Juliet or a multicolored boy named Scampers. 

2.  I went to college for English (waste) and ended up with a degree in English studies, a degree in Pyschology (another waste) and then after all that I got my masters in Business Administration with a certificate in healthcare management.  This one is what I am currently working with, but I had the job before I finished my degree.  So the 45k that I owe in student loans to get a degree I didn't really need, just pisses me off. 

3.  I was born 10 days late.  The week before Christmas (which is tomorrow).  And ONLY because my mothers doctor was going away for the next week and she didn't want someone else to deliver me so she was induced the day before he left for Christmas vacation.  Otherwise who knows when I would've come out.  I may have been a Christmas babe.

4.  I haven't been to many of the US states, I really haven't been anywhere much compared to how big the world is. But I have been to 20 of the US states and to some Caribbean hotspots(Jamaica, Belize, Mexico, Honduras, Cozumel, Dom. Republic...) BUT I have been to Bermuda 4 times in a span of less than 6 months.  This was due to me finding a hot guy who lived there on a visa (he was born and lives normally in Scotland.  Yes the accent got me).  He flew me to and from every time.  I need to find someone else like that...

5. My closet generally only has blue and black clothes in it.  I went to go pack for a recent trip and I realized all I had out were blue and white stripped shirts and jeans.  -_____-

6.  When I was a kid and living in NY, I set my backyard on fire.  Not on purpose.  The whole back 40 was engulfed in flames.  The chickens were frantic in their coop until papa cut them out and they flew off (they all came back around when it was dinner time though, even the ones we could've lived without.  Mean red eyed bastard).  All the trees were singed.  My mother called the fire department and the person who took the call asked to speak to "an adult" so they didn't get there any time soon.  But eventually everything was taken care of.

7.  My family didn't find out that I had hearing difficulties until I was in elementary school.  Then my mother apologized for years for all the yelling she did because I couldn't hear her and she thought I just wasn't listening. 

8.  I get nervous when I have to call people.  This pretty much stems from the fact that no one can ever hear me on the phone.  And if they can hear me, they don't understand what it is that I am saying.  Its not that I mumble or anything.  Its just that I talk so softly (yes even though I'm deaf, it's weird I know).  And down in VA I have an accent so some people don't understand that either.

9.   Since moving from NY I have lost all the weight that I gained after high school.  I didn't gain it the "freshman fifteen" way though because I hated college and going out and all that jazz.  I did it while working with the fucking kids at the school I used to work for.  I don't know how the kids these days are obese because let me tell you, the food that they ate, fuck... 50 pounds.  When I moved down here I worked really hard to get it all off.  Now I am at my high school weight again and if Im lucky I even get below the high school weight.  I would love to be around a buck twenty, but shiiiiiit.  That's gonna take me a little while and even more hard work.  But I'm working on it.

10.  My boss and I fight like cats and dogs, husband and wives, brother and sister, you get the drift.  There are days when we get along great, there are days when we don't.  He is one of those people who always think that they are right.  NO MATTER WHAT.  I could put out evidence in front of him and he would tell me its incorrect.  I could say something like "why are we changing things when we've always done it this way" and he'll say "what have we always done why don't you understand".  He gets under my skin like no one else, but he also puts up with my shit on a daily so I cant complain too much. 

11.  I am the first person in my family to graduate from a four year college and I am the second youngest.  Granted, some have done two years, but I hold the record for a four year degree first.  Then comes my brother.


Facts, weird or not.  But facts.  What are yours?

"You Tried to Kill Yourself?"

I don't think there needs to be anything more said about this.  I am obsessed.

Thursday Confession Session

One \\ Scandal.  I find myself both wanting to be more like Olivia Pope and then I find that there are ways that we are similar and I dont want to be like her anymore.

 

 

But then she says shit like that and I want to be her all over again.

 

Two \\ Sleep.. is missing from my life and I need it back.  Like ASAP.  I was away all weekend, hoping around like some teenager or 21 year old going on a binge.  I stayed up way too late, woke up too early, was here, was there.  Now I'm home and I still cant get back to my "home by 6, in pjs by 6:05, curled up with dinner and my DVR by 6:10" routine.  I have dinner meetings, dinner parties, work shit that needs to be done.  All I have to say is whomever makes me do anything this weekend will get kicked. 

 

Three \\ Halloween.  Havent bought candy for those little twerps that will most likely be knocking on my door.  Havent decided if I want to go to Jess' house or not to celebrate and see Willowbug.  Havent spoken with her about it to see if I was still invited to begin with now that her and Trav are at odds.  Havent thought about going out because I never go out and certainly not dressed up as anything for Halloween. 

 

Four \\ Dinner meetings.  I hate them.  Especially when I know who is going to be at these dinner meetings.  I dont have the patience.

 

My papa is going to be at this dinner meeting though.  Its the only plus side.  The only reason why my soul doesnt plead for me to end the suckiness that is my job.  I guess its one of the best perks of working in the same field as my father.  I dont have to work with him every day, but I get to have meetings, get to consult, and chat about anything I need to with him.  It makes things easier.  However, on the daily, trying to deal with some people makes me not want to get out of bed... ever.

 

Five \\ Sibling nonsense.  I really want to punch my brother in the face sometimes.  I mean, most of the time.  He can be sweet, loving and kind, but damn if he aint the biggest ass 95% of the time.  I dont get his antics or why he does what he does sometimes, but then again, there are moments when I see pieces of me, pieces of who I used to be in him, and I want to warn him.  I cant however, because we cant have that conversation.  It would only make me look absolutely batshit crazy.  But for real, I think if he knew now, what I know, then he would be different, he would be happier. 

 

Six \\ "She is well practiced in the art of losing herself.  I can't say that same of myself." Tris- "Divergent"  Makes me think about myself, my brother and some of the other people that I know.  I wake up every morning thinking a certain way, and then by the end of it, something changes.  I lose myself to the person I need to be at work, then I lose myself to the person I need to be in front of my rents, and in front of my friends.  All three of those people combined dont even make the me I think I am.  With my brother its the same thing for the most part.  Although, I am really starting to think that hes bipolar because.... fuck!  He loses himself, or what I think is himself when he drinks, when his eyes change color, when the lights go out.  Its never the same.  He is never the same for long.  I am always changing.  Maybe for the best, maybe not, but everyday I portray atleast three different versions of me. 

 

Seven \\ Vacation.  Need one.  Thinking tropical.  Island.  Fruity drinks. Books galore.  Carefree fun.  and sleep, lots and lots of uninterrupted sleep.