May 1st

So it's May first. 

I have started this 30 day strength and weight loss challenge with my trainer and a few other people (whom I don't know).  I was excited about it.  And I still am (kind of).  But I woke up this morning weighing 3 pounds more than I did last week, so ya know, there's that.  On the plus side, I know I can lose it quickly and be ahead of the game. 

I am eager to get to the gym (kind of) and start this new chapter of continuing with my weight loss and bettering myself.  After the wedding and definitely after the half marathon, I kind of gave up.  And then I got a kidney stone and wanted to eat nothing but crackers and pasta and not move, ever.  And then the holidays came about.  And then this and then that... and then and then and then...

All excuses.  Now, I have some other health issues going on, all related to hormones, and female organs and such.  (Personally, I feel like someone can remove that shit, take it all, it only causes me problems.)

So 30 days.  30 days of accountability.  30 days of ass kicking.  30 days of healthy eating. 

I'm thinking about trying the mason jar prepared smoothie things.  Maybe I'll stop at the market on my way home from the gym. 

30 days.

Here goes nothing.

Weight loss adventure

This weather is wonderful for my weight loss adventure I am on.  I can run outside.  I can pick up the yard with Maddie.  I can eat healthier (not that I couldn't before, but when the sun is shining and its beautifully warm outside it's soooooo much better).

Top things on my to do list because it's spring and I'm trying to be healthy:

• Buy a grill.  This is important for a few reasons. 
• I want to be able to grill some veggies. Make hobo meals.  Enjoy the outside life on the back deck with dinner when I get off.
• I want to throw a bash when my house is finished and settled.  Invite my loved ones, neighbors, work people.
• Learn to hula hoop
• I can already do this in moderation.  But I want to be legit at it.  If it was a sport I would want to be number one in the country
• Get a punching bag.
• I made one, but it's too light.  I need a better one
• Get a running buddy
• Anyone in the RVA area want to come run with me?  I got some pretty nice views over here and would love the company.

I keep telling myself that for me it isn't so much about the weight loss anymore, that it's more about being healthy.  I do believe that.  At the same time however, I feel like it's still about the weight loss. 

I started this when I moved down here four years ago and then faltered back into my old routine of being unhealthy.  I didn't gain all the weight that I had lost, but I saw myself spiraling out of control and knew that if I didn't do something quickly I was going to be upset with myself.

When I stepped on the scale in November 2014 around Thanksgiving I was devastated by what I saw.  I remember crying because I promised myself I would never be a certain number again.  I even bet against myself because I was once so confident in my ability to maintain.  The number I was looking at was something I promised myself I would never be again.

So something had to give.  Now, April 2, 2015, I am 20 pounds below that number.  When I started in November I had a number in mind that I wanted to be.  I think that is where I went wrong. 

DON'T EVER GIVE YOURSELF A NUMBER!

This is why:
Now I am about 8-10 pounds away from that number.  Every single person I know has told me to stop.  Has told me its enough. Has told me that I look malnourished, sick, pale...  But I feel guilty stopping.  I feel like if I do, all the hard work that I had just put into the past few months would be wasted. 
It's not like I don't eat, because I do.  I just eat smaller portions, healthier portions, and try to get somewhat of a workout in each day.
(who am I kidding, I eat fruit in the morning, veggies or a small protein in the evening, and an apple for dinner, maybe some dehydrated fruit in between, maybe)  I feel like if my body was done losing weight I wouldn't be able to. 
I don't ever want to be back at the dreadful number, and wish like hell I could continue to go until I reach the goal number I had given myself.  But when is it too much?
When is it time to stop?  How does one know when they've gone overboard and has taken it too far? 
I fear my mentality because I know that I am the type of person who can become anorexic.  Will I be strong enough not to?  Will I listen to those I love enough to stop when it's time? 

Does anyone else have these fears?