Weight loss adventure

This weather is wonderful for my weight loss adventure I am on.  I can run outside.  I can pick up the yard with Maddie.  I can eat healthier (not that I couldn't before, but when the sun is shining and its beautifully warm outside it's soooooo much better).

Top things on my to do list because it's spring and I'm trying to be healthy:

• Buy a grill.  This is important for a few reasons. 
• I want to be able to grill some veggies. Make hobo meals.  Enjoy the outside life on the back deck with dinner when I get off.
• I want to throw a bash when my house is finished and settled.  Invite my loved ones, neighbors, work people.
• Learn to hula hoop
• I can already do this in moderation.  But I want to be legit at it.  If it was a sport I would want to be number one in the country
• Get a punching bag.
• I made one, but it's too light.  I need a better one
• Get a running buddy
• Anyone in the RVA area want to come run with me?  I got some pretty nice views over here and would love the company.

I keep telling myself that for me it isn't so much about the weight loss anymore, that it's more about being healthy.  I do believe that.  At the same time however, I feel like it's still about the weight loss. 

I started this when I moved down here four years ago and then faltered back into my old routine of being unhealthy.  I didn't gain all the weight that I had lost, but I saw myself spiraling out of control and knew that if I didn't do something quickly I was going to be upset with myself.

When I stepped on the scale in November 2014 around Thanksgiving I was devastated by what I saw.  I remember crying because I promised myself I would never be a certain number again.  I even bet against myself because I was once so confident in my ability to maintain.  The number I was looking at was something I promised myself I would never be again.

So something had to give.  Now, April 2, 2015, I am 20 pounds below that number.  When I started in November I had a number in mind that I wanted to be.  I think that is where I went wrong. 

DON'T EVER GIVE YOURSELF A NUMBER!

This is why:
Now I am about 8-10 pounds away from that number.  Every single person I know has told me to stop.  Has told me its enough. Has told me that I look malnourished, sick, pale...  But I feel guilty stopping.  I feel like if I do, all the hard work that I had just put into the past few months would be wasted. 
It's not like I don't eat, because I do.  I just eat smaller portions, healthier portions, and try to get somewhat of a workout in each day.
(who am I kidding, I eat fruit in the morning, veggies or a small protein in the evening, and an apple for dinner, maybe some dehydrated fruit in between, maybe)  I feel like if my body was done losing weight I wouldn't be able to. 
I don't ever want to be back at the dreadful number, and wish like hell I could continue to go until I reach the goal number I had given myself.  But when is it too much?
When is it time to stop?  How does one know when they've gone overboard and has taken it too far? 
I fear my mentality because I know that I am the type of person who can become anorexic.  Will I be strong enough not to?  Will I listen to those I love enough to stop when it's time? 

Does anyone else have these fears?

Fitness at its finest

I'm skinnier now than I've ever been in my whole adult life, and I'm not ready to be done yet. 

When I was in high school I always felt like the heavy one.  Not fat, but by no means as thin as my friends.  I admired from afar the "skinny" girls and I wanted to be like them.  They just seemed so flawless.  And then there was me, tall and heavy.  Not overweight, I like around a buck fifty, but not what I thought I should be and definitely not what I wanted to be.  But that didn't stop me from the road trips to McDonalds, or the munching on chips all day long.  And candy, sour patch kids among other various sorts of candy were always on my body or not far. 

Then I went to college, and though I didn't get the freshman fifteen, I did gain some in college.  But I think the worst time for me was when I worked as a preschooler teacher for special needs.  For some reason, at that time in my life I was consuming much more, and none of it was healthy.  No one said anything and yes, I knew I was getting bigger, but if no one else cared, why should I?  Wrong, I should've been the first to care and do something.

When I moved down south I had quit my teaching job of three or so years, I got rid of a man of whom was no good for me, and I left the badness behind.  I escaped.  So now that I could live, what was I going to do?

Living with my parents for a few months the first couple of months I was down here wasn't easy.  They are both overweight and have horrible eating habits.  But I was frantically searching for a job, a home, and ways to occupy my time.  With this came the weight loss.  I joined Weight Watchers.  I became obsessed with counting my points and eating healthy.  Due to the fact that I had next to nothing to do all day, I worked out.  I watched the weight come off.  I started to feel better.  When that happened, I got a job.

I've been working ever since.  I've noticed that its definitely harder to maintain balance while working when it comes to healthy eating and working out.  There are days when I just want to go home and pig out on pizza and not go to the gym.  But I try to stay motivated.  I eat healthy, but I also eat what I want.  If I know that I am going to indulge I try to do so in a healthier manner and I make up for it in exercise.

Before I moved down south I was around 200 pounds.  I was afraid to step on the scale after I saw 198, so I refused.  But I know, I know that at some point I was over.  I promised myself never to be back there.  For me it isn't so much about losing the weight as it is about loving the way I feel being healthier. 

I got down to 160 and under and I promised never to get to 160 again.  2014 was a hard year for me in this aspect.  I had gotten down to under 150 in 2013 and in 2014 I saw 160 creeping up on me again.  So something had to change.  I didn't like how I was feeling.  I woke up tired.  I woke up sad.  I woke up not wanting to do anything.

Back around Thanksgiving, I decided to join a gym again.  The tough decision was going to be which one and how much was I willing to spend.  All the gyms I had used in the past were a good distance away and I knew that the drive alone would deter me from going.  So I chose the one that I literally had to drive by on my way to work, it was a little more expensive, but I had no excuse not to go anymore.  It was 24 hours and it was small, so it worked perfectly for me. 

With the holidays and all in December and Jan, it was hard to stay focused so my weight loss hasn't been optimal, but I am happy to say that I am back down to being the smallest I've ever been in my adult life.  I feel awesome.  There are days when I cant wait to get up and work out.  There are days when my body aches.  There are days when I want pizza instead of vegetables.  But I feel good.  And I look at the scale and I am immensely happy. 

I've also started using my Fitbit on the daily.  It tracts everything for me.  In fact, I've the whole family on it now and we challenge each other to no end.  Weekend challenges, workday challenges, stairs and such.  I've everyone being active. 

If I had to chose a number, I would say that I would love to lose 20 more pounds.  I would love for 150 to be my new 200 (in terms of never seeing that number again and always staying under it) then 140, and then 130.  But I know that I will probably always be a little thicker and I don't want to look disproportionate.  My main goal is to just be healthy.  Get to a weight where I can maintain some sense of healthiness and balance in my life.