Letters

Dear Coffee Date,
I'm not sure what it is that you want from me.  You have someone, apparently someone you aren't ready to let go of just yet.  Still, you keep calling me to meet for coffee.  As platonic as that seems, and is, why do you do it if you have someone else? 
I asked today and the answer I got was "I want a friend, someone I can talk to."  That's all fine and dandy, but what about this other woman? Can you not talk to her?  Is she not a friend? 
I understand that I am significantly younger than you, and that can be a lot.  You dont know if I'm the partying type, the stay up all night type, the crazy type.  (I'm not, but you dont know this?  What you do know is that I am younger, and most younger people want different things than older people. 
What I know, is that I am younger, and more attracted to older men than I care to admit.  What I want is to not be hidden, not be kept in someone's pocket until they've time to take me out and play with me.  What I want is to not be kept a secret.  I want a relationship.  I want to be able to go home to someone. 
What I  think you want is a doll, a sex toy you can play with for a little while without having to end your current arrangement. What I think is that I would be temporary until the new wore off.  What I think is that I would be used and tossed aside.
Part of me wants to believe that this wouldn't happen.  The other part of me knows that I've done this before and I know what to expect.

I dont know if I want you to break the streak, or if I should just walk away.


Kindy,

Hidden in your pocket

Ing's Lately

Thinking:  oh goodness, there is a plethora of thoughts running through this hamster wheel of mine. An old friend reached out to me last night and I cant stop thinking about him. 

Feeling:  Underwhelmed.  I expected more excitement from this Italian.  But it seems he wants to play games.  Game on.  I'm up for some mind fucking. 
 
Wishing:  For a vacation some kind of bad.

Wanting: See above, and a new car.

Listening:  P!nk and Jennifer Nettles on replay lately.  Although Fleetwood Mac is always in there.

Drinking: Fiber water.  Peach Mango flavored.  I really want pizza for lunch.  This will curb that craving (hopefully) or at the very least make me feel full for a bit

Eating: I will be eating salad for lunch.  30 day weight loss challenge people

Debating:This Italian man and how this one will play out.  I'm not used to not being wanted or chased after.  Not to say that he's not, its just different with him for some reason. 

May 1st

So it's May first. 

I have started this 30 day strength and weight loss challenge with my trainer and a few other people (whom I don't know).  I was excited about it.  And I still am (kind of).  But I woke up this morning weighing 3 pounds more than I did last week, so ya know, there's that.  On the plus side, I know I can lose it quickly and be ahead of the game. 

I am eager to get to the gym (kind of) and start this new chapter of continuing with my weight loss and bettering myself.  After the wedding and definitely after the half marathon, I kind of gave up.  And then I got a kidney stone and wanted to eat nothing but crackers and pasta and not move, ever.  And then the holidays came about.  And then this and then that... and then and then and then...

All excuses.  Now, I have some other health issues going on, all related to hormones, and female organs and such.  (Personally, I feel like someone can remove that shit, take it all, it only causes me problems.)

So 30 days.  30 days of accountability.  30 days of ass kicking.  30 days of healthy eating. 

I'm thinking about trying the mason jar prepared smoothie things.  Maybe I'll stop at the market on my way home from the gym. 

30 days.

Here goes nothing.