What I need

I have this strong desire to be with people and be left alone all at the same time lately.  I want to be where I am comfortable, and that is with certain people or alone.  But yet, I want the cat and mouse game.

HOWEVER, once the game is over, and the mouse has succumbed to my trials and tribulations, my Q&A, their hoop jumping, I really feel as though I have no need for them anymore.  Is that bad?  I feel like that makes me a bad person.  

I've been thinking a lot about a relationship lately.  Both a specific relationship and relationships in general and I kind of cant even.  (that thought was so basic, ugh)  It's not that I have a problem with being with one person, my past relationships indicate that I can be, I just miss the fun, the game, the catch.  

I don't need the "oh you're so beautiful, you're amazing, you're all I've ever wanted".  Vomit.   Every once in a while when I'm down that's okay, that's appreciated, but daily, or weekly?  Grow a pair please.  I know who I am, I'm okay with me.  I mean yeah, I can afford to lose a few pounds and my winter body is no where near swimsuit season, and I'm slightly psychotic, but I'm okay with me.  I don't need affirmation ALL the time.  But more importantly, a man shouldn't need affirmation all the time either.  If I have to tell you how great you are, or how amazing sex is, or how big your cock is then most likely I don't mean it.  I'm not saying "I'm all woman hear me roar" but be strong.  I need someone strong.  Someone who is who he is without me having to tell him all the niceties all the time.  

I need space.  Lots of it.  TONS of it.  Doesn't always mean I don't want to be with a man.  Just means I want to sit on my couch alone and not have to talk to anyone.  Or not have to be next to anyone.  So don't ask me if you can come over and just watch television with me.  If I want to invite you over, I will.  I don't need to be asked daily if we can do something.  I get that you want to hang out, but I have an amazing career that I am working on, and that requires a lot of my time.  I don't want to always have to say no.  Besides that, wait for me to ask.  Make me miss you.  Make me wonder what it is that you are doing.  Make me want to ask for your time.  If I don't get that, I really just get instantly annoyed when I'm asked out all the freaking time.  

I need someone who compliments my life.  Not someone who dictates it, or needs me to dictate his, but someone who can compliment mine.  I work hard, I don't have a lot of free time, so if I'm going to give someone my free time, they should be worth it.  

I can afford to do things on my own, but it would be nice if someone can afford to pay my way for me.  I don't need them to make bank rolls of money, I just would like them to be capable of being able to support me if I needed it.  I want to go on vacations, travel the world, have nice things.  I don't want to have to pay someone elses way to get there or do those things with me.  

So bottom line, I think the perfect storyline for me would go as follows:

I find a man who has a career that is equally as important to him as mine is to me.  We enjoy each others company when we can, no pressure to see each other all the time.  We travel when we can, We do the whole holidays and weddings things together because we have that one person in which we can do those things with.  We grow a friendship.  We grow a bond.  And then at the end of the day I we find that we can't imagine going anywhere else without the other, then and only then can he put a ring on my finger (but it may never actually amount to a wedding.)

Is that too much to ask for?

Gunshy

It's JUNE!  I am not really sure why some times fly by, and some drag on seemingly forever. 

Looking at him some times, I want to think that he is a good man.  I know actions speak louder than words.  I now know that his words mean nothing to me anyway.  Maybe it's not that I want to think he's a good man, maybe its that I want him to be a good man.  I want to believe there is good in him.  And maybe at times I caught a glimpse of goodness.  But maybe he was just portraying that to me, so that I could see something that he's not.
The whole time I thought I had control.  All the times I pushed him away, said no, didn't give in, he was okay with it.  Maybe that was just him wanting me to think he was a good man.   
He sure played me for a fool.  Do I know better now?

Yes, I know not to play with fire.  I know that I have a voice thats loud enough to be heard.  I know not to let things get too far.  I know not to let anyone use me.

But still, at times, I want to think that hes not the man I currently think he is.  I want to not hold a grudge because it takes too much of my energy, too much of my brain power and time, too much of what I have and I don't feel as though he deserves that.   

Now I'm gunshy.

Feeling

Smug. Like the Republicans took control of the senate.  Not so much a win for the republicans as it is a show of poor faith in the dems. The country is going to hell in a hand basket. 

I stayed up wayyyyy to late watching the outcome.  It wasn't an easy win.  All the wins that the reps had wasn't by a landslide, hell, I'm sure there are even going to be some recounts because all the states that the rep picked up, it was like a 49-48, or 52-48 margin. 

Nevertheless, a win is a win, and maybe the reps taking control of the senate will mean some changes.  Maybe.  Hopefully.