Sia on replay all day

"... And the worst part is, there's no one else to blame..."

Jessica and I are heading to DC next week to see Sia.  It's a birthday gift from me to her, because I can count on one hand how many songs I knew prior to buying tickets.  Now, however, I know a few... a few more than I did before, but hopefully not as many as I will know next week.

Makes me think about the things that I have done.  The things that people have done for me.

Lately I've been feeling like "is this it?  Is this all that I'll get?  Is this what I deserve?"   Not that what I have isn't enough, it's just, I see myself giving and giving, and yet... I don't get anything in return unless I ask.
I'm not trying to be selfish, I am really not.  It's just becoming exhausting.  I can take care of myself.  I've proven that time and time again.  And I can take care of others well.

But I want someone to want to take care of me.

Now whether I let them or not is a different story. 

Pretty Little Liar

Or not so pretty big fat liar.  However you want to look at it. 

But is it the lies, or is it the truth that bothers me?

I think its the truth of the unknown, the truth that I want to keep private.

I cant decide. 

But I do know this and can decide on this.  I feel badly that someone feels the need to lie to make themselves feel better and me worse. Is this what society has become?  Someone lies to make themselves feel better at anothers expense?  Or maybe its that they lie just to be. 

I don't understand all the lies.  I understand doing it to cover something up, to prevent someone from feeling bad, from revealing the truth if it could hurt someone.  But lying just to lie?  Or lying to cause drama?   I don't get it. 

No white after Labor Day

For how long after Labor day is it not acceptable to wear white?  If you think about it, the Sunday before Labor Day is still technically after the Labor Day the previous year.  Right?  So when can I wear white again?

Not that I ever really wear white anyway.... I'm more of a black and blue kind of girl.

Bad. People

I had a conversation the other day with someone whom I love dearly about society and people individually and as a whole.  I'm not really sure how we got on the topic, but the bottom line is this:  He thinks that there are no good people.  All people are bad.  Selfish, needy, jealous, inhumane, greedy, etc.  ALL PEOPLE.  And that because all people are one or more of these things they are inherently considered bad people in his mind.  That's what he thinks, which is fine.  I tend to disagree.  I think that yes, even though most people do have a tendency to have the above characteristics, I don't believe that makes them what he considers them to be "bad people" I think it's them doing bad things. 
I've never considered myself to be a great person, but I wouldn't consider myself a bad person either.  Take today for example, I was pretty much online bullied by someone twice my age, I could have stooped to her level and made comments back, but I really didn't have one bad thing to say about her.  My only thought at the time was "why is she so hateful to me?" and "what did I do to deserve this?"  If you ask me for something, I will try my best to give it to you, even if it is the last sour patch kid.  I really care about people and think things far more than I should and care far deeper than I should.  I think all these things about myself
But after having this conversation with this man, I realized that he doesn't think this about me at all.  So in his eyes I am not a good person.  He doesn't see that I care?  How can he not?  Or maybe its just that my level of caring isn't above and beyond for him so he doesn't notice?  I'm not entirely sure. 
I don't think I'm anything special but I definitely don't think I'm a bad person.  At least I don't try to intentionally do bad things. 
This doesn't make me a bad person right? 

 

Gunshy

It's JUNE!  I am not really sure why some times fly by, and some drag on seemingly forever. 

Looking at him some times, I want to think that he is a good man.  I know actions speak louder than words.  I now know that his words mean nothing to me anyway.  Maybe it's not that I want to think he's a good man, maybe its that I want him to be a good man.  I want to believe there is good in him.  And maybe at times I caught a glimpse of goodness.  But maybe he was just portraying that to me, so that I could see something that he's not.
The whole time I thought I had control.  All the times I pushed him away, said no, didn't give in, he was okay with it.  Maybe that was just him wanting me to think he was a good man.   
He sure played me for a fool.  Do I know better now?

Yes, I know not to play with fire.  I know that I have a voice thats loud enough to be heard.  I know not to let things get too far.  I know not to let anyone use me.

But still, at times, I want to think that hes not the man I currently think he is.  I want to not hold a grudge because it takes too much of my energy, too much of my brain power and time, too much of what I have and I don't feel as though he deserves that.   

Now I'm gunshy.

Undone

Some times... some times I really just dont even know what to say anymore.

I am having a hard time not just flipping the fuck out on some people. 

I am so done with the whole work situation.  I dont know what I would do without some of them, but I really needed support and I just didnt get it. And whats worse, is the lies.  I cannot and will not believe a word that comes out of his mouth ever again.  Telling my boss that there were text and whatnot he wished he saved because he would have proof of anything.  Like bitch please look through my phone and see what our texts are about.  Please. 
Telling him that it was all me and that there was never anything that he did that would be considered inappropriate without my warranting it.  It was all me.  Fuck. No.

I cant even. 

Perseverance

I'm so haunted lately by some of the things going on in my life.  I cant seem to let go. 

I know I've said before that I cant really talk about it with anyone.  I tell some people some things, but it's not the same as laying it all out on the table and then asking "does that make sense to you?"

Because I feel crazy.  Crazy. 

There's no way it was all me.

Perseverance is all I can say.  Just keep swimming.  Hopefully I can move past this too.

So it's March

I went on that cruise.  And my hand was never drinkless.  I cant say that it was a perfect trip, but it was a good one.

The merger with work is almost complete.

I still have an issue IN the office, one that I can't seem to shake.  And it's not so much an issue anymore, it's really just me not being able to deal, to cope with him.  The "why did he do what he did?" and the "what does he think?" and the "am I really that person?" keeps reeling in my head.  The worst part is, that there are so many secrets entwined with it all that I can't talk to a single person about it.  It doesn't just effect me.  So I can't go to my friends and say "does this make sense to you?" because it sure as shit doesn't make sense to me. 

Am I really that girl?

I'm not right?

So for reals

It's 2016.

I have so much planned for 2016.  Cruise, wedding(s) (and no one of them is not mine), work mergers, etc.  So much that I should be thinking about it all. The "I need to do's" and the "I can do's" are just a part of my day.  The "oh dear I'm so overwhelmed and I fucking hate him and I just want to sleep and lose like 20 pounds while I'm asleep instead of going to the gym" thoughts keep coming. 

Maybe, maybe I just need a break from the day to day.  The overwhelming changes in the office are getting to me?  It doesn't help that one of my problems is IN the office.  I'm trying to be one of those girls who just doesn't give a fuck that someone else doesn't like me.  I mean, I know there are people out there who don't like me, but it gets to me when it's someone I have to deal with on a daily.  I think it just gets to me because they have no reason not to like me. 

I just want to yell "I am okay with what I've done, can you say the same?" 

On another note though, our cruise is less than a month away and I cannot fucking wait.  To be sitting in the sun with a drink in my hand the whole time.  I don't ever want to be drinkless.  EVER.