Dear Coffee Date,
I'm not sure what it is that you want from me. You have someone, apparently someone you aren't ready to let go of just yet. Still, you keep calling me to meet for coffee. As platonic as that seems, and is, why do you do it if you have someone else?
I asked today and the answer I got was "I want a friend, someone I can talk to." That's all fine and dandy, but what about this other woman? Can you not talk to her? Is she not a friend?
I understand that I am significantly younger than you, and that can be a lot. You dont know if I'm the partying type, the stay up all night type, the crazy type. (I'm not, but you dont know this? What you do know is that I am younger, and most younger people want different things than older people.
What I know, is that I am younger, and more attracted to older men than I care to admit. What I want is to not be hidden, not be kept in someone's pocket until they've time to take me out and play with me. What I want is to not be kept a secret. I want a relationship. I want to be able to go home to someone.
What I think you want is a doll, a sex toy you can play with for a little while without having to end your current arrangement. What I think is that I would be temporary until the new wore off. What I think is that I would be used and tossed aside.
Part of me wants to believe that this wouldn't happen. The other part of me knows that I've done this before and I know what to expect.
I dont know if I want you to break the streak, or if I should just walk away.
Kindy,
Hidden in your pocket
Showing posts with label Letters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Letters. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Letters
Dear Mr. No Ass,
Yesterday was a whirlwind for me. I'm not really sure how to put it into words recognizable to you, and for that I am dearly sorry. My thought processes have a tendency to not make sense outside my own head. At times, I feel like this is a good thing. This allows for me to keep secrets, oh and the glorious secrets one can keep. Here's the thing: I speak in riddles, I occasionally write in riddles, and my thoughts, those two are riddles. I understand, I don't understand how you don't understand. It is not going to be easy for me to, as you put it, "just say it, or spit it out". Nor, do I know if I am willing to try. I'll think about it.
Emotions were raw and undefinable yesterday. You kept asking me "what do you want from me?". What do I want from you?! I am unsure how you expect me to just blurt out what I am unsure of, when you yourself will not tell me what it is that you want from me. It was a back and forth roller coaster of "what are we going to do?", "what do you want?", and "can we do this?" kinda thing.
I am not sure. Sooner or later though, and I would prefer like right now, so sooner is better, we are going to literally sit down and hash this out. Answer ALL the questions. Define EVERYTHING. Establish LINES. This is not something we can enter lightly.
And I'm sorry, but I just DON'T know.
Sincerely yours,
Truly, madly, deeply yours,
These are real
Dear time,
Please either slow down to a stop preferably on my off days, or speed up to my vacation days. I need one some kinda bad or shit is about to get ugly in this office. I cant afford to fire people before my vaca, so something is got to give because I cant deal with stupid much more.
Thanks in advance,
In desperate need for a break
Dear KSG,
What happened? Is it sad that I have no idea, and kinda don't care. The only thing that comes to mind lately is "say something I'm giving up on you". ( The Great Big World sounds better in my head than my voice does, so that works...)
Kindly,
Non-believer
Yesterday was a whirlwind for me. I'm not really sure how to put it into words recognizable to you, and for that I am dearly sorry. My thought processes have a tendency to not make sense outside my own head. At times, I feel like this is a good thing. This allows for me to keep secrets, oh and the glorious secrets one can keep. Here's the thing: I speak in riddles, I occasionally write in riddles, and my thoughts, those two are riddles. I understand, I don't understand how you don't understand. It is not going to be easy for me to, as you put it, "just say it, or spit it out". Nor, do I know if I am willing to try. I'll think about it.
Emotions were raw and undefinable yesterday. You kept asking me "what do you want from me?". What do I want from you?! I am unsure how you expect me to just blurt out what I am unsure of, when you yourself will not tell me what it is that you want from me. It was a back and forth roller coaster of "what are we going to do?", "what do you want?", and "can we do this?" kinda thing.
I am not sure. Sooner or later though, and I would prefer like right now, so sooner is better, we are going to literally sit down and hash this out. Answer ALL the questions. Define EVERYTHING. Establish LINES. This is not something we can enter lightly.
And I'm sorry, but I just DON'T know.
Sincerely yours,
Truly, madly, deeply yours,
These are real
Dear time,
Please either slow down to a stop preferably on my off days, or speed up to my vacation days. I need one some kinda bad or shit is about to get ugly in this office. I cant afford to fire people before my vaca, so something is got to give because I cant deal with stupid much more.
Thanks in advance,
In desperate need for a break
Dear KSG,
What happened? Is it sad that I have no idea, and kinda don't care. The only thing that comes to mind lately is "say something I'm giving up on you". ( The Great Big World sounds better in my head than my voice does, so that works...)
Kindly,
Non-believer
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Letters
Dear Doubt,
Please leave. You've made my mind your residence for far too long. You are no longer welcome. Not that you ever were, but I was a cautious participant in this game at one time. Now I don't want to play anymore.
I don't want to think about the "what if's", the "could have's", and certainly not the "should have's".
I know I should have done things differently, but I can't change things now. All I can do is apologize and hope that things will still be okay in the end.
So you coming and clogging my brain with unwanted thoughts, fears, and ideas needs to stop. I am respectfully bowing out in hopes that you will not continue to follow me.
Sincerely yours,
Needs to be okay some day
Dear Light of My Life,
Please forgive me... for everything.
Love,
Amanda
Dear ODAAT,
I am trying. Trying to give it a chance. However, there is this thing in my life, this being, who takes up my everything. I don't know how to let that go and make room for something else. To be honest, I don't know if I want to make room.
Kindly yours,
Running out of time
Dear Body,
I know that you have lost a bit of weight. I know that you are in shock and don't really know yet how to behave with all I've put you through in the past few months. Please keep working with me. We are so close. So close to being what I say we need to be. So suck it up sunshine and keep chugging along. I don't want to be a quitter when it comes to this, so stop playing around.
Always,
Your mind
Please leave. You've made my mind your residence for far too long. You are no longer welcome. Not that you ever were, but I was a cautious participant in this game at one time. Now I don't want to play anymore.
I don't want to think about the "what if's", the "could have's", and certainly not the "should have's".
I know I should have done things differently, but I can't change things now. All I can do is apologize and hope that things will still be okay in the end.
So you coming and clogging my brain with unwanted thoughts, fears, and ideas needs to stop. I am respectfully bowing out in hopes that you will not continue to follow me.
Sincerely yours,
Needs to be okay some day
Dear Light of My Life,
Please forgive me... for everything.
Love,
Amanda
Dear ODAAT,
I am trying. Trying to give it a chance. However, there is this thing in my life, this being, who takes up my everything. I don't know how to let that go and make room for something else. To be honest, I don't know if I want to make room.
Kindly yours,
Running out of time
Dear Body,
I know that you have lost a bit of weight. I know that you are in shock and don't really know yet how to behave with all I've put you through in the past few months. Please keep working with me. We are so close. So close to being what I say we need to be. So suck it up sunshine and keep chugging along. I don't want to be a quitter when it comes to this, so stop playing around.
Always,
Your mind
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Letters
Dear Man a Few Hundred Miles Away,
I know that we connect some, when we think about it, when we aren't busy with our every day lives. When nothing holds us back, there are times when we both actually pick up the phone and reach out to one another. It's not very often, but it happens. I want you to know this though, I think about you often. You pushed me, helped me, and taught me. You gave strength when I didn't think I had any. You gave love when I felt I didn't deserve it. You shed laughter on times when I felt only tears would come. You are, and always will be, a big part of me.
When we do have a chance to connect, it fills me with happiness. To be able to connect with one of the few (very few) people out there who know me is a gift. To be thought of as beautiful and intelligent and all those rainbow and butterfly things is something that I can only be eternally grateful for.
It's been so long, and I left things so abruptly, that I don't know how it would be to do more than just connect via the phone. I don't know how it would be if we met in person again. The idea of it, thinking about it makes me both nervous and giddy, which these days, is not something that I am used to. I've come a long way since I left, I hardly think you'd recognize me. I mean this not so much physically (though that has changed, I am older now) but mentally, emotionally, I am different.
I am different. The whole idea reminds me of the first time I visited. I was so nervous. Not knowing where we stood or what we were doing. So afraid to say something wrong, do something you wouldn't like. I was quiet and shy then. Though I still hold the quiet tendencies, shy is not really something I am anymore. I remember grabbing a blanket and getting settled on the couch and you laughing at me. You said you didn't want anything from me, that it would never happen, and there you were, laughing at me.
I don't know what the future brings, or if we will ever meet again. The idea of it makes me nervous again, the unknowing and unexpected. I don't know... I just don't know.
Thinking of you always.
I know that we connect some, when we think about it, when we aren't busy with our every day lives. When nothing holds us back, there are times when we both actually pick up the phone and reach out to one another. It's not very often, but it happens. I want you to know this though, I think about you often. You pushed me, helped me, and taught me. You gave strength when I didn't think I had any. You gave love when I felt I didn't deserve it. You shed laughter on times when I felt only tears would come. You are, and always will be, a big part of me.
When we do have a chance to connect, it fills me with happiness. To be able to connect with one of the few (very few) people out there who know me is a gift. To be thought of as beautiful and intelligent and all those rainbow and butterfly things is something that I can only be eternally grateful for.
It's been so long, and I left things so abruptly, that I don't know how it would be to do more than just connect via the phone. I don't know how it would be if we met in person again. The idea of it, thinking about it makes me both nervous and giddy, which these days, is not something that I am used to. I've come a long way since I left, I hardly think you'd recognize me. I mean this not so much physically (though that has changed, I am older now) but mentally, emotionally, I am different.
I am different. The whole idea reminds me of the first time I visited. I was so nervous. Not knowing where we stood or what we were doing. So afraid to say something wrong, do something you wouldn't like. I was quiet and shy then. Though I still hold the quiet tendencies, shy is not really something I am anymore. I remember grabbing a blanket and getting settled on the couch and you laughing at me. You said you didn't want anything from me, that it would never happen, and there you were, laughing at me.
I don't know what the future brings, or if we will ever meet again. The idea of it makes me nervous again, the unknowing and unexpected. I don't know... I just don't know.
Thinking of you always.
Friday, October 24, 2014
Letters
90% of the time I do not answer the phone. Not at work because I hire staff to do that shit so I dont have to. Not at home because when the phone rings I look at Maddie like "wtf is that" until I realize that yes, yes I do have a home phone. And rarely on my cell unless I know who it is or I want to talk. (I usually have to call back because I missed the first call anyway.) So when the phone rings and I DO answer it, please try not to be dumb. I know that for some this is a hard concept. When I answer, dont say "Hey this is (enter stupid name here)...." and pause for an abnormally long time until I say something. Just tell me why it is that you are calling. Dont waste my time while you blubber and try to remember why it is that you called in the first place. And then, this is the best part, dont get pissed at me because I dont tell you what it is that you want to hear. I'm not here to placate you, I dont care, just do whats expected of you. And while you're at it, stop calling me.
Dear Anxiety,
I don't like you. Lately you have become something that I do not want around 90% of the time. I do not do well with you sitting on my chest like a thousand pound elephant. I cannot breathe. You make me worry, you make me stress, you make me unable to focus on the shit that I need to be focused on. Most importantly though, you make me not have fun. For a little while, I want to have fun. So cut the shit out.
I love you. But you piss me off something fierce. I cannot fix everything for you. Nor do I want to. At some point you need to grow up and be the man that I know you can be. You just have to want it. Sometimes, I see that man coming through. I get glimpses of him in the little things that you do and say, but other times, I really just want to strangle the fuck out of you because really?! REALLY?! Not everything is about you, the world doesnt owe you a damn thing. Stop acting like it does. Simply enjoy what life gives you and be fucking happy about it. You deserve to be happy too. If you could just get out of your own way and your own head for a little bit, things would be so much different for you. Things would be better. Let people love you, surprisingly enough, some WANT to. Yet you push them away because you feel like you dont deserve it. If I love you, you little bitch, you deserve it. So cut the shit out and grow up.
Dear Airports,
Dont do me wrong today. I hate flying. Not so much the being in the air, take off or touch down part, but the "oh shit did I lose something?" or "do I have everything I need?" part. On the last trip I went on, my OCD and anxiety fucked me up so bad that literally every 2 minutes I was checking my phone to make sure I wasnt late, peed so I didnt have to do it en route, and checked to make sure I had my ticket. Well guess what, somewhere between security and the check in, I LOST MY BOARDING PASS. I started crying. The flight people had to know that I was indeed on a flight otherwise I wouldnt have gotten through security, but it took its toll on me. Things would be a lot easier on me if they didnt have a thing called a "layover". Direct flights only please. And now with this ebola scare, getting through security is going to be twice the burden. I cant wait (thats a lie, and utter and total lie). I dont want to catch anything, I dont want to panic and be stressed, I really just want to go and do my thing and be satisfied at the end of the day. Please allow for that to happen. Thanks.
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