Letters

Dear Man a Few Hundred Miles Away,
I know that we connect some, when we think about it, when we aren't busy with our every day lives.  When nothing holds us back, there are times when we both actually pick up the phone and reach out to one another.  It's not very often, but it happens.  I want you to know this though, I think about you often.  You pushed me, helped me, and taught me.  You gave strength when I didn't think I had any.  You gave love when I felt I didn't deserve it.  You shed laughter on times when I felt only tears would come.  You are, and always will be, a big part of me. 
When we do have a chance to connect, it fills me with happiness.  To be able to connect with one of the few (very few) people out there who know me is a gift.  To be thought of as beautiful and intelligent and all those rainbow and butterfly things is something that I can only be eternally grateful for. 
It's been so long, and I left things so abruptly, that I don't know how it would be to do more than just connect via the phone.  I don't know how it would be if we met in person again.  The idea of it, thinking about it makes me both nervous and giddy, which these days, is not something that I am used to.  I've come a long way since I left, I hardly think you'd recognize me.  I mean this not so much physically (though that has changed, I am older now) but mentally, emotionally, I am different. 
I am different.  The whole idea reminds me of the first time I visited.  I was so nervous. Not knowing where we stood or what we were doing.  So afraid to say something wrong, do something you wouldn't like.  I was quiet and shy then.  Though I still hold the quiet tendencies, shy is not really something I am anymore.  I remember grabbing a blanket and getting settled on the couch and you laughing at me.  You said you didn't want anything from me, that it would never happen, and there you were, laughing at me.
I don't know what the future brings, or if we will ever meet again.  The idea of it makes me nervous again, the unknowing and unexpected.  I don't know... I just don't know.

Thinking of you always.