And then there's Tuesdays

I'd grown out of my hatred of Tuesdays.  I no long have to share my office with staff I don't care for.  The physicians on Tuesdays are not always bad.  I can get work done.  So I don't hate them much. 

This Tuesday though...

I don't mind being the boss.  But sometimes, sometimes I get so mad at my staff that I cant control things.  I hope that they don't hear the quiver in my voice when I talk, I hope my cheeks don't get flushed and betray me.  In all honesty, I don't know if its anger that I feel, or just the uneasiness of confronting another person.  I silently cuss when my voice waivers because I feel like it gives me away.  It makes me weak in front of them.  I have to remember at times that they just cant do the job as well as I can.  When my heart races and my hands shake I have to do everything in my control not to make it noticeable and walk away, because I am the boss, and though this part right here I may not be able to handle, they cant see that.

When you call in sick one day because you've gotten the stomach bug and come in the next with Burger King, be smart enough to hide that shit.
When you tell me you need to run errands on your break and will only be a half hour, don't come back with your nails done two hours later.
Don't send your resume to the ad I posted and then tell me you're not looking for another job.
This list of stupidity goes on and on and on...

And with my house in ruins at the moment, I want work, no I NEED work to go smoothly.  I need the lights to not smell like they are burning and the drains to not be clogged.  I need the patients to not need any damn paper towels, or the internet to not be down.  I need Medicare to participate with me for one day and be my friend.  I need patients to pay their bills.  There are so many things that I need...

Yet, I keep getting overwhelmed with just everything that isn't happening.  All the things that I NEED to happen aren't.  So I just push through and hope that in a few days, a week maybe, things will be different. 

I don't ever expect things to be easy.  History has proven that this shit is hard, harder than anyone thought it would be, but nevertheless I do hope and pray for easy days, kinder days, carefree days to come.