Undone

Some times... some times I really just dont even know what to say anymore.

I am having a hard time not just flipping the fuck out on some people. 

I am so done with the whole work situation.  I dont know what I would do without some of them, but I really needed support and I just didnt get it. And whats worse, is the lies.  I cannot and will not believe a word that comes out of his mouth ever again.  Telling my boss that there were text and whatnot he wished he saved because he would have proof of anything.  Like bitch please look through my phone and see what our texts are about.  Please. 
Telling him that it was all me and that there was never anything that he did that would be considered inappropriate without my warranting it.  It was all me.  Fuck. No.

I cant even. 

Perseverance

I'm so haunted lately by some of the things going on in my life.  I cant seem to let go. 

I know I've said before that I cant really talk about it with anyone.  I tell some people some things, but it's not the same as laying it all out on the table and then asking "does that make sense to you?"

Because I feel crazy.  Crazy. 

There's no way it was all me.

Perseverance is all I can say.  Just keep swimming.  Hopefully I can move past this too.

So it's March

I went on that cruise.  And my hand was never drinkless.  I cant say that it was a perfect trip, but it was a good one.

The merger with work is almost complete.

I still have an issue IN the office, one that I can't seem to shake.  And it's not so much an issue anymore, it's really just me not being able to deal, to cope with him.  The "why did he do what he did?" and the "what does he think?" and the "am I really that person?" keeps reeling in my head.  The worst part is, that there are so many secrets entwined with it all that I can't talk to a single person about it.  It doesn't just effect me.  So I can't go to my friends and say "does this make sense to you?" because it sure as shit doesn't make sense to me. 

Am I really that girl?

I'm not right?

So for reals

It's 2016.

I have so much planned for 2016.  Cruise, wedding(s) (and no one of them is not mine), work mergers, etc.  So much that I should be thinking about it all. The "I need to do's" and the "I can do's" are just a part of my day.  The "oh dear I'm so overwhelmed and I fucking hate him and I just want to sleep and lose like 20 pounds while I'm asleep instead of going to the gym" thoughts keep coming. 

Maybe, maybe I just need a break from the day to day.  The overwhelming changes in the office are getting to me?  It doesn't help that one of my problems is IN the office.  I'm trying to be one of those girls who just doesn't give a fuck that someone else doesn't like me.  I mean, I know there are people out there who don't like me, but it gets to me when it's someone I have to deal with on a daily.  I think it just gets to me because they have no reason not to like me. 

I just want to yell "I am okay with what I've done, can you say the same?" 

On another note though, our cruise is less than a month away and I cannot fucking wait.  To be sitting in the sun with a drink in my hand the whole time.  I don't ever want to be drinkless.  EVER. 

In Between

Ever have that feeling of indifference?  Whether it be over something small, something big, someone, a decision, an event, ever have it? 

I cant shake this feeling that I am supposed to be feeling something.  I wont get into specifics because they'll bore you.  They bore me, but I cant stop obsessing over them.  And yet, I just don't know what I should be feeling.  Mad, I should be mad.  But really, being mad doesn't get anyone anywhere quick.  I should be mad though...

I just don't think I have enough energy in me to be mad.  So instead, I'm stuck between being mad, being hurt, and being satisfied that I can be the person that is above all that.  I want to give a subtle hint, just a little one, so that he knows, he knows I know, but can't prove it.  So he knows I am the better person.  He being the "Mr. Handsy then play it off like it was all her" should feel like I know right? 

It's like I'm stuck in between being this person that I want to be, what my heart wants me to be, and being the person that stoops to levels that should be below anyone. 

I want to be able to look at him, have him look at me and know that I know he's a fuckboy and that I am above it all.  Give him a look that says "do what you want, I can surpass your childish, boyish acts" and be done with it.  But part of me still wants to be mad too.

Is it Thanksgiving break yet?

Let me tell you, since moving from the 518 to the 804 my holiday traditions have changed vastly.  There is no other family coming over for dinner.  I don't get to eat Aunt Jens squash in vast quantity because she isn't going to come down here and make it just for me, nor do I care to make it for myself.  Uncle Art wont be falling asleep in my living room immediately after dinner.  There will be no modge podge of foods made for Christmas eve by everyone and brought to whomevers house was voted this year to eat at. 

BUT, we've made new traditions.  We make certain that my parents neighbors are around, because well we all like to have a good time and the more the merrier right.  Especially now that the kids are getting married and having kids.  We also need to include Jessica and her family.  This is a thing this year more than ever before because now they are getting married, so we HAVE to deal.  Not that her family is bad, they just aren't mine.  So we'll do Thanksgiving at Jessica's house with her family and Trav will bitch because the tv set up isn't as great as it is at the rents.  We will do Christmas eve at the rents because now that they are grandparents (of sorts) that's just what we need to do. We will do Christmas day morning at Jessica's because she is the one to produce a child who still gets into fits over opening gifts.  And New Years, well thats all my rents too, because honestly, I wont have it any other way.

I'm not against change.  It's certainly been different.  Some times, I miss the chaos of my family in the 518, but most times, most times all I want anyway is my babe.  That works out just fine for me.

After these past few weeks at work, I cannot wait until the breaks begin.  I cant even cope. 

And I'm okay with that too.

Tuesday Morning Confessions

1. So this happened.  My dumb ass brother FINALLY asked the girls to marry him.  They both said yes.  Even though I'm pretty sure that Willows answer was the only one to matter.  We planned it all out on Sunday.  I have to say we did pretty well.  She was surprised.  We all cried.  It was a happy, bursting,family filled evening.  Jessica wants a July wedding up in the 518, so we have to get planning as soon as possible.

2.  ICD 10 is lurking around the corner.  I can feel it tapping on my shoulder all the way over here from Thursday.  All I can say is this... THANK GOD I WORK IN SPECIALTY.  I would probably kill myself if I ran a general practice office.  All those new codes.  Puke.

3.My eating habits are ridiculous lately.  I cant stop eating.  And I hate myself after.  I have so many things that I want to look good for in the upcoming weeks/months and yet I cant seem to get my shit together.  I wallow at the fact that I am fat and that just makes me eat more, and then I wallow in the fact that I just ate like a  pig.  Something is seriously wrong with my brain functions lately.  I need a reboot.

4. I dont do pumpkin.  Ever.  No pumpkin anything for me when the weather turns.  Everyone all high strung about the PSL and muffins and I'm over here like... no, just no.

5. I indulged in my first bowl of chili for the season.  And guess what... is was freaking awesome!  Nothing like some chili with a book and a blankie while Redzone is on in the background.  Sunday=made.