Last night I went to dinner with my brother and his girl and my little squirt. I love hanging out with them, I feel so comfortable, which is different than normal for me. We definitely have some crazy conversations. Conversations that you normally wouldn't have with your siblings, but Trav just laughs and Jess fits in so well with how I think that I am some times amazed.
I have a wedding to go to in a few months and I am somewhat dreading it. I don't want to be the "odd one out". I've done it twice within the last year and though I didn't mind, it kind of sucked going home alone at the end of the night. I didn't meet anyone, not that I really thought that I would, but hey don't some people get lucky at the end of evening of weddings? Or is that some misconception I have?
Not that I would ever really do it, but the thought of hiring someone (or bribing) to stand beside me crossed my mind. Now, all the people at the wedding know me so they'd know that this man isn't going to be someone significant, but I want people to know that "hey, ya, I can catch someone!"
Is it me? Am I unattractive? Too strong of a woman? I don't know, but I don't want the "when is it going to be your turn?" or the "why aren't you married?" question to come about.
I've had two conversations today that touched on this. One with Jess who pretty much said embrace the hell out of this shit because once you find someone, you're with that someone. Feel the excitement of being able to walk up to a guy and talk to him without having to get someone upset. And you never know who you're going to meet at this stupid wedding, it may be someone I will want to be my forever man. Maybe.
The other convo was with an employee who is stressing about having to live with a man after enjoying her solitude for so long. THAT IS ME! I don't know if I want to deal and cope with sharing a closet or a bathroom. Or my television. Or my food. Or my dog. I only feel that I want it for special occasions and holidays.
So I am conflicted in my thoughts. Do I want or no? Am I excited by the thought of being able to flirt with men at the bar at the wedding (there's one that I think will be there, could be fun)? Am I excited about the idea of meeting someone new? Do I just want to roll around in the hay (or the sand, its a beach wedding) for the night and say goodbye before I have to bring him home to meet my dog? Or do I want a forever? I want fucking Fitz and Jake. I want Vermont and the sun.
I have a month to figure it out. Guess we shall see. I do know one thing though, I am going to be looking fucking top notch, A+, on point. Guarantee it. Especially with the new weight loss.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Reading Menu
I have to admit, I haven't been reading much. My mind is running too rapid to be able to settle in with a book. I have started Robert Crane's In The Wind (and Out of the Box series book), but I haven't made it very far. So updates to follow.
I received an email from Bill Yancey. He's releasing another new book and wants me to read and review to promote sales. I've done this for him before and I have to admit the book I read was pretty good. He's a physician. I understand his lingo. Reluctant Intern was the first book I read. It was good. I advise it.
I also uploaded Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children and am SUPER excited to start that one too.
The Glassblower Trilogy is currently in my Kindle. As well as Robert Dugoni's My Sister's Grave.
So point is, I've plenty of upcoming and new things to read. If I could just get my mind to participate.
I received an email from Bill Yancey. He's releasing another new book and wants me to read and review to promote sales. I've done this for him before and I have to admit the book I read was pretty good. He's a physician. I understand his lingo. Reluctant Intern was the first book I read. It was good. I advise it.
I also uploaded Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children and am SUPER excited to start that one too.
The Glassblower Trilogy is currently in my Kindle. As well as Robert Dugoni's My Sister's Grave.
So point is, I've plenty of upcoming and new things to read. If I could just get my mind to participate.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
And then there's Tuesdays
I'd grown out of my hatred of Tuesdays. I no long have to share my office with staff I don't care for. The physicians on Tuesdays are not always bad. I can get work done. So I don't hate them much.
This Tuesday though...
I don't mind being the boss. But sometimes, sometimes I get so mad at my staff that I cant control things. I hope that they don't hear the quiver in my voice when I talk, I hope my cheeks don't get flushed and betray me. In all honesty, I don't know if its anger that I feel, or just the uneasiness of confronting another person. I silently cuss when my voice waivers because I feel like it gives me away. It makes me weak in front of them. I have to remember at times that they just cant do the job as well as I can. When my heart races and my hands shake I have to do everything in my control not to make it noticeable and walk away, because I am the boss, and though this part right here I may not be able to handle, they cant see that.
When you call in sick one day because you've gotten the stomach bug and come in the next with Burger King, be smart enough to hide that shit.
When you tell me you need to run errands on your break and will only be a half hour, don't come back with your nails done two hours later.
Don't send your resume to the ad I posted and then tell me you're not looking for another job.
This list of stupidity goes on and on and on...
And with my house in ruins at the moment, I want work, no I NEED work to go smoothly. I need the lights to not smell like they are burning and the drains to not be clogged. I need the patients to not need any damn paper towels, or the internet to not be down. I need Medicare to participate with me for one day and be my friend. I need patients to pay their bills. There are so many things that I need...
Yet, I keep getting overwhelmed with just everything that isn't happening. All the things that I NEED to happen aren't. So I just push through and hope that in a few days, a week maybe, things will be different.
I don't ever expect things to be easy. History has proven that this shit is hard, harder than anyone thought it would be, but nevertheless I do hope and pray for easy days, kinder days, carefree days to come.
This Tuesday though...
I don't mind being the boss. But sometimes, sometimes I get so mad at my staff that I cant control things. I hope that they don't hear the quiver in my voice when I talk, I hope my cheeks don't get flushed and betray me. In all honesty, I don't know if its anger that I feel, or just the uneasiness of confronting another person. I silently cuss when my voice waivers because I feel like it gives me away. It makes me weak in front of them. I have to remember at times that they just cant do the job as well as I can. When my heart races and my hands shake I have to do everything in my control not to make it noticeable and walk away, because I am the boss, and though this part right here I may not be able to handle, they cant see that.
When you call in sick one day because you've gotten the stomach bug and come in the next with Burger King, be smart enough to hide that shit.
When you tell me you need to run errands on your break and will only be a half hour, don't come back with your nails done two hours later.
Don't send your resume to the ad I posted and then tell me you're not looking for another job.
This list of stupidity goes on and on and on...
And with my house in ruins at the moment, I want work, no I NEED work to go smoothly. I need the lights to not smell like they are burning and the drains to not be clogged. I need the patients to not need any damn paper towels, or the internet to not be down. I need Medicare to participate with me for one day and be my friend. I need patients to pay their bills. There are so many things that I need...
Yet, I keep getting overwhelmed with just everything that isn't happening. All the things that I NEED to happen aren't. So I just push through and hope that in a few days, a week maybe, things will be different.
I don't ever expect things to be easy. History has proven that this shit is hard, harder than anyone thought it would be, but nevertheless I do hope and pray for easy days, kinder days, carefree days to come.
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Letters
Dear Man a Few Hundred Miles Away,
I know that we connect some, when we think about it, when we aren't busy with our every day lives. When nothing holds us back, there are times when we both actually pick up the phone and reach out to one another. It's not very often, but it happens. I want you to know this though, I think about you often. You pushed me, helped me, and taught me. You gave strength when I didn't think I had any. You gave love when I felt I didn't deserve it. You shed laughter on times when I felt only tears would come. You are, and always will be, a big part of me.
When we do have a chance to connect, it fills me with happiness. To be able to connect with one of the few (very few) people out there who know me is a gift. To be thought of as beautiful and intelligent and all those rainbow and butterfly things is something that I can only be eternally grateful for.
It's been so long, and I left things so abruptly, that I don't know how it would be to do more than just connect via the phone. I don't know how it would be if we met in person again. The idea of it, thinking about it makes me both nervous and giddy, which these days, is not something that I am used to. I've come a long way since I left, I hardly think you'd recognize me. I mean this not so much physically (though that has changed, I am older now) but mentally, emotionally, I am different.
I am different. The whole idea reminds me of the first time I visited. I was so nervous. Not knowing where we stood or what we were doing. So afraid to say something wrong, do something you wouldn't like. I was quiet and shy then. Though I still hold the quiet tendencies, shy is not really something I am anymore. I remember grabbing a blanket and getting settled on the couch and you laughing at me. You said you didn't want anything from me, that it would never happen, and there you were, laughing at me.
I don't know what the future brings, or if we will ever meet again. The idea of it makes me nervous again, the unknowing and unexpected. I don't know... I just don't know.
Thinking of you always.
I know that we connect some, when we think about it, when we aren't busy with our every day lives. When nothing holds us back, there are times when we both actually pick up the phone and reach out to one another. It's not very often, but it happens. I want you to know this though, I think about you often. You pushed me, helped me, and taught me. You gave strength when I didn't think I had any. You gave love when I felt I didn't deserve it. You shed laughter on times when I felt only tears would come. You are, and always will be, a big part of me.
When we do have a chance to connect, it fills me with happiness. To be able to connect with one of the few (very few) people out there who know me is a gift. To be thought of as beautiful and intelligent and all those rainbow and butterfly things is something that I can only be eternally grateful for.
It's been so long, and I left things so abruptly, that I don't know how it would be to do more than just connect via the phone. I don't know how it would be if we met in person again. The idea of it, thinking about it makes me both nervous and giddy, which these days, is not something that I am used to. I've come a long way since I left, I hardly think you'd recognize me. I mean this not so much physically (though that has changed, I am older now) but mentally, emotionally, I am different.
I am different. The whole idea reminds me of the first time I visited. I was so nervous. Not knowing where we stood or what we were doing. So afraid to say something wrong, do something you wouldn't like. I was quiet and shy then. Though I still hold the quiet tendencies, shy is not really something I am anymore. I remember grabbing a blanket and getting settled on the couch and you laughing at me. You said you didn't want anything from me, that it would never happen, and there you were, laughing at me.
I don't know what the future brings, or if we will ever meet again. The idea of it makes me nervous again, the unknowing and unexpected. I don't know... I just don't know.
Thinking of you always.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Been a few...
It's been a few weeks. A few exhausting, straining, bittersweet weeks.
First, it snowed down here! For two Thursdays in a row! A total of about 10-12 inches. For the south, that's an immense amount of snow. It doesn't matter that afterwards the sun comes out and the snow is immediately gone, people still didn't leave the house for two weeks. What kills me is that I had to cancel two clinics because of it. Not because I couldn't get here, but because the patients were cancelling left and right anyway and the damn parking lot wasn't plowed. It's supposed to snow and freezing rain again this Thursday. Wish me luck.
Second, due to the extreme cold nights and the poorly insolated homes (because its not supposed to get this cold down here) RVA is finding itself in a shitstorm of frozen pipes. My house included. I wish I could've seen the look of pure terror when I walked into my home after being gone for a number of hours to see it literally raining in my kitchen. My first, newly renovated home that I've had for less than two years, is in ruins. It took Servpro a week to send someone out and I was on three different list (the other two still have not called to set up an appointment). Despite the fact that it did take Servpro a week, I would recommend them to anyone. These poor men drove from Miami to help all the poor cold people in VA. They took my beautiful hardwood floors out, my sheetrock down, and dried the entire place out. They left twenty supersized fans and two dehumidifiers. Hopefully they can come pick them up soon because it is uncomfortably loud and windy in my house. It took them more than ten hours to destroy my house. It'll take me months to repair it. The only bright side I can see in this is that I will get to pick out my own things (floors, paint, cabinets). Hopefully the insurance company can reimburse for what it'll cost.
Third, work. Work has been hella crazy. With PQRS, Medicare meaningful use, and staffing issues, I need a break or I will break. I want two things: one, to take a break from the office and work from r a remote location to actually get caught up without distractions and two, for a freaking vacation. When I go home my mind swirls around numbers, codes, deadlines, things that are in my control, but at the same time, aren't. It's exhausting.
And finally, 28 day detox. I am almost done with the first week. I've lost about 4 pounds. It's not easy with all these stressors around, but I am dealing. Besides that I don't have a stove or anything to cook with at the moment so take out is hard to find on the diet list. But I am going to stick with it... at least until the sour patch kids in the drawer win me over.
February 15 sucked. It sucked my almost dry. Almost. I'm hoping that March will bring better and brighter days with less strain and some days off.
First, it snowed down here! For two Thursdays in a row! A total of about 10-12 inches. For the south, that's an immense amount of snow. It doesn't matter that afterwards the sun comes out and the snow is immediately gone, people still didn't leave the house for two weeks. What kills me is that I had to cancel two clinics because of it. Not because I couldn't get here, but because the patients were cancelling left and right anyway and the damn parking lot wasn't plowed. It's supposed to snow and freezing rain again this Thursday. Wish me luck.
Second, due to the extreme cold nights and the poorly insolated homes (because its not supposed to get this cold down here) RVA is finding itself in a shitstorm of frozen pipes. My house included. I wish I could've seen the look of pure terror when I walked into my home after being gone for a number of hours to see it literally raining in my kitchen. My first, newly renovated home that I've had for less than two years, is in ruins. It took Servpro a week to send someone out and I was on three different list (the other two still have not called to set up an appointment). Despite the fact that it did take Servpro a week, I would recommend them to anyone. These poor men drove from Miami to help all the poor cold people in VA. They took my beautiful hardwood floors out, my sheetrock down, and dried the entire place out. They left twenty supersized fans and two dehumidifiers. Hopefully they can come pick them up soon because it is uncomfortably loud and windy in my house. It took them more than ten hours to destroy my house. It'll take me months to repair it. The only bright side I can see in this is that I will get to pick out my own things (floors, paint, cabinets). Hopefully the insurance company can reimburse for what it'll cost.
Third, work. Work has been hella crazy. With PQRS, Medicare meaningful use, and staffing issues, I need a break or I will break. I want two things: one, to take a break from the office and work from r a remote location to actually get caught up without distractions and two, for a freaking vacation. When I go home my mind swirls around numbers, codes, deadlines, things that are in my control, but at the same time, aren't. It's exhausting.
And finally, 28 day detox. I am almost done with the first week. I've lost about 4 pounds. It's not easy with all these stressors around, but I am dealing. Besides that I don't have a stove or anything to cook with at the moment so take out is hard to find on the diet list. But I am going to stick with it... at least until the sour patch kids in the drawer win me over.
February 15 sucked. It sucked my almost dry. Almost. I'm hoping that March will bring better and brighter days with less strain and some days off.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Simple Ramblings
I haven't written much lately. Haven't read much lately. Haven't done much at all.
Medicare sucks me dry on a daily. First I was having issues with the electronic payment system. Then it was PQRS. For those who are not in the medical field. This is a reporting that each individual physician has to do each year otherwise you get a penalty from Medicare. If we didn't report this year, 2016 would have been a penalty including a 2.0% decrease in how much they would pay each of my physician's. If things were to stay the same, that would be roughly $14,000.00. So we did it. We reported. I went through all the charts and got all the information needed and put everything together in a nice little bundle. I hit send today. It's like a huge weight is lifted off me. Then the best part... the best part is when boss man (who previously fussed and threw a holy fit about everything, which I understood, but this is my first time doing all this so I didn't understand the process and needed to learn before jumping in) came up to me with a surprise. First he tells me he's proud, THEN gives me a bonus for completing because he saw me bust my ass for the past week trying to get it all done.
YESSSS!
Makes the day better. I woke up with my eye swollen half shut with no evidence as to why that would happen. I have had a cough that I cant shake for the past 5 days. I'm not talking about an occasional hack, I'm talking every five seconds I'm hacking up a storm because I cannot control it. Makes me want to rip my chest out. Nothing is helping.
So I want to sleep. I don't cough as much when I am asleep.
On the bright side, I just got a bonus, tomorrow is TGIT, and I'm down another 2 pounds.
YESSSS!
Medicare sucks me dry on a daily. First I was having issues with the electronic payment system. Then it was PQRS. For those who are not in the medical field. This is a reporting that each individual physician has to do each year otherwise you get a penalty from Medicare. If we didn't report this year, 2016 would have been a penalty including a 2.0% decrease in how much they would pay each of my physician's. If things were to stay the same, that would be roughly $14,000.00. So we did it. We reported. I went through all the charts and got all the information needed and put everything together in a nice little bundle. I hit send today. It's like a huge weight is lifted off me. Then the best part... the best part is when boss man (who previously fussed and threw a holy fit about everything, which I understood, but this is my first time doing all this so I didn't understand the process and needed to learn before jumping in) came up to me with a surprise. First he tells me he's proud, THEN gives me a bonus for completing because he saw me bust my ass for the past week trying to get it all done.
YESSSS!
Makes the day better. I woke up with my eye swollen half shut with no evidence as to why that would happen. I have had a cough that I cant shake for the past 5 days. I'm not talking about an occasional hack, I'm talking every five seconds I'm hacking up a storm because I cannot control it. Makes me want to rip my chest out. Nothing is helping.
So I want to sleep. I don't cough as much when I am asleep.
On the bright side, I just got a bonus, tomorrow is TGIT, and I'm down another 2 pounds.
YESSSS!
Friday, February 6, 2015
Thoughts lately
-TGIT. Thank goodness its back in my life. It breaks up my week so much more when I have something to look forward to. As cheesy as it may be, even TV makes me happy lately.
-My brother is dumb. I don't know how I let myself get caught up in his drama every single time. He lives for it, it exhausts me. He creates it, I've learned to quietly let things roll. I used to live inside my own head, without care or thoughts to others around me. I wish I could get him to realize and learn as quickly as I did. Not that I did it quickly, but by his age I had.
-My papa is back in the states and I was super pumped to just hang this weekend, do chores, be normal. But now he's sick. *enter sad face emoji here*
- I am currently listening to all things old school. Like Shaggy. He is my gym companion.
- I am under a weight goal for the past two days, and already its the weekend. I always fuck it up on the weekend. Besides that, I did an immense amount of squats two days ago, went to the gym yesterday and ran (fucking ran) at a incline of 10, needless to say, I can hardly walk. So getting my steps in for the fitbit goal may be a little challenging today. All I can hear in my head is "just keep swimming"
-I am reading Madness by Marya Hornbacher. I don't really know how I feel about it. When I was younger I used to love to read about others issues and there immense strength to overcome them. After reading like a dozen of murder/mystery novels, I wanted something real, but I feel that this is too real. I am not bipolar or manic, so none of this hits home with me, but I do appreciate her struggles and her strength to overcome them. I'm only a third of the way through, so I wonder what the end is going to be like. Hopefully, I can pick up the pace and move on.
-My brother is dumb. I don't know how I let myself get caught up in his drama every single time. He lives for it, it exhausts me. He creates it, I've learned to quietly let things roll. I used to live inside my own head, without care or thoughts to others around me. I wish I could get him to realize and learn as quickly as I did. Not that I did it quickly, but by his age I had.
-My papa is back in the states and I was super pumped to just hang this weekend, do chores, be normal. But now he's sick. *enter sad face emoji here*
- I am currently listening to all things old school. Like Shaggy. He is my gym companion.
- I am under a weight goal for the past two days, and already its the weekend. I always fuck it up on the weekend. Besides that, I did an immense amount of squats two days ago, went to the gym yesterday and ran (fucking ran) at a incline of 10, needless to say, I can hardly walk. So getting my steps in for the fitbit goal may be a little challenging today. All I can hear in my head is "just keep swimming"
-I am reading Madness by Marya Hornbacher. I don't really know how I feel about it. When I was younger I used to love to read about others issues and there immense strength to overcome them. After reading like a dozen of murder/mystery novels, I wanted something real, but I feel that this is too real. I am not bipolar or manic, so none of this hits home with me, but I do appreciate her struggles and her strength to overcome them. I'm only a third of the way through, so I wonder what the end is going to be like. Hopefully, I can pick up the pace and move on.
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