Ever have that feeling of indifference? Whether it be over something small, something big, someone, a decision, an event, ever have it?
I cant shake this feeling that I am supposed to be feeling something. I wont get into specifics because they'll bore you. They bore me, but I cant stop obsessing over them. And yet, I just don't know what I should be feeling. Mad, I should be mad. But really, being mad doesn't get anyone anywhere quick. I should be mad though...
I just don't think I have enough energy in me to be mad. So instead, I'm stuck between being mad, being hurt, and being satisfied that I can be the person that is above all that. I want to give a subtle hint, just a little one, so that he knows, he knows I know, but can't prove it. So he knows I am the better person. He being the "Mr. Handsy then play it off like it was all her" should feel like I know right?
It's like I'm stuck in between being this person that I want to be, what my heart wants me to be, and being the person that stoops to levels that should be below anyone.
I want to be able to look at him, have him look at me and know that I know he's a fuckboy and that I am above it all. Give him a look that says "do what you want, I can surpass your childish, boyish acts" and be done with it. But part of me still wants to be mad too.
Monday, December 21, 2015
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Is it Thanksgiving break yet?
Let me tell you, since moving from the 518 to the 804 my holiday traditions have changed vastly. There is no other family coming over for dinner. I don't get to eat Aunt Jens squash in vast quantity because she isn't going to come down here and make it just for me, nor do I care to make it for myself. Uncle Art wont be falling asleep in my living room immediately after dinner. There will be no modge podge of foods made for Christmas eve by everyone and brought to whomevers house was voted this year to eat at.
BUT, we've made new traditions. We make certain that my parents neighbors are around, because well we all like to have a good time and the more the merrier right. Especially now that the kids are getting married and having kids. We also need to include Jessica and her family. This is a thing this year more than ever before because now they are getting married, so we HAVE to deal. Not that her family is bad, they just aren't mine. So we'll do Thanksgiving at Jessica's house with her family and Trav will bitch because the tv set up isn't as great as it is at the rents. We will do Christmas eve at the rents because now that they are grandparents (of sorts) that's just what we need to do. We will do Christmas day morning at Jessica's because she is the one to produce a child who still gets into fits over opening gifts. And New Years, well thats all my rents too, because honestly, I wont have it any other way.
I'm not against change. It's certainly been different. Some times, I miss the chaos of my family in the 518, but most times, most times all I want anyway is my babe. That works out just fine for me.
After these past few weeks at work, I cannot wait until the breaks begin. I cant even cope.
And I'm okay with that too.
BUT, we've made new traditions. We make certain that my parents neighbors are around, because well we all like to have a good time and the more the merrier right. Especially now that the kids are getting married and having kids. We also need to include Jessica and her family. This is a thing this year more than ever before because now they are getting married, so we HAVE to deal. Not that her family is bad, they just aren't mine. So we'll do Thanksgiving at Jessica's house with her family and Trav will bitch because the tv set up isn't as great as it is at the rents. We will do Christmas eve at the rents because now that they are grandparents (of sorts) that's just what we need to do. We will do Christmas day morning at Jessica's because she is the one to produce a child who still gets into fits over opening gifts. And New Years, well thats all my rents too, because honestly, I wont have it any other way.
I'm not against change. It's certainly been different. Some times, I miss the chaos of my family in the 518, but most times, most times all I want anyway is my babe. That works out just fine for me.
After these past few weeks at work, I cannot wait until the breaks begin. I cant even cope.
And I'm okay with that too.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Tuesday Morning Confessions
2. ICD 10 is lurking around the corner. I can feel it tapping on my shoulder all the way over here from Thursday. All I can say is this... THANK GOD I WORK IN SPECIALTY. I would probably kill myself if I ran a general practice office. All those new codes. Puke.
3.My eating habits are ridiculous lately. I cant stop eating. And I hate myself after. I have so many things that I want to look good for in the upcoming weeks/months and yet I cant seem to get my shit together. I wallow at the fact that I am fat and that just makes me eat more, and then I wallow in the fact that I just ate like a pig. Something is seriously wrong with my brain functions lately. I need a reboot.
4. I dont do pumpkin. Ever. No pumpkin anything for me when the weather turns. Everyone all high strung about the PSL and muffins and I'm over here like... no, just no.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Reading Menu-Tormented
Just finished Tormented by Robert Crane.
Having read Grounded (book 4 of the Out of the Box series) recently I assumed that this one would be in continuation of it. For the most part it was, it contained the characters that were in Grounded both old and newly introduced. What Tormented did not do that first surprised me, was use the cliffhanger ending, the evil villains getting away.
In Tormented, Anselmo (an evil villain who got away in a previous book) returns to haunt the agency team. Sienna is on a two week suspension and is on what she considers to be "vacation", or is she?!
Her brother Reed is in charge of the agency under supervision of Andrew Phillips who is seeming to be a pain in everyone's ass. Reed has the responsibility of finding a newly formed meta who is a fire burner who just so happened to blow up a wing of an airport unknowingly. With the news of said explosion all over the media, Anselmo has decided the new meta needs to be one of his team members and too goes after him.
In the hunt for the new meta Reed runs into Anselmo and Augustus gets hurt, leaving Reed unable to run after him. This also leaves Anselmo a chance to scoop up the new meta under his wing. During all of this, Sienna is buried in what seems to be a small ocean side town covered in snow from a whiteout blizzard dealing with a team of people of which do not seem to think much of her. She is powerless, unable to use her meta abilities, unable to channel her deathly villains she carries inside her soul, unable to heal, and unable to understand the difference between dream and reality.
She finally succumbs and reaches out to Reed in a dream walk and he finds her locked in her room at the agency in a coma. Unable to help her, Reed calls his team. With the help of his team, old friends and new ones, he is able to defeat Anselmo and get Sienna out of her coma.
Now, my thoughts:
I never, ever, would have expected the ending to be like that. I didn't for one second think that Sienna was trapped in her own worst nightmare. I did believe that she was in the mercy of someone who wanted her to suffer, maybe Anselmo and his team. We still don't know who drugged her enough to put her in the self deprecating coma to begin with. Crane was so vivid in his words, not leaving any hint that it was all a dream for her. I really thought she was in a quaint little town stuck in a snowstorm with people who were trying to mess with her head. Going through the whole book and not knowing who exactly did it... makes me slightly frustrated and eager for the next book to come out.
Having read Grounded (book 4 of the Out of the Box series) recently I assumed that this one would be in continuation of it. For the most part it was, it contained the characters that were in Grounded both old and newly introduced. What Tormented did not do that first surprised me, was use the cliffhanger ending, the evil villains getting away.
In Tormented, Anselmo (an evil villain who got away in a previous book) returns to haunt the agency team. Sienna is on a two week suspension and is on what she considers to be "vacation", or is she?!
Her brother Reed is in charge of the agency under supervision of Andrew Phillips who is seeming to be a pain in everyone's ass. Reed has the responsibility of finding a newly formed meta who is a fire burner who just so happened to blow up a wing of an airport unknowingly. With the news of said explosion all over the media, Anselmo has decided the new meta needs to be one of his team members and too goes after him.
In the hunt for the new meta Reed runs into Anselmo and Augustus gets hurt, leaving Reed unable to run after him. This also leaves Anselmo a chance to scoop up the new meta under his wing. During all of this, Sienna is buried in what seems to be a small ocean side town covered in snow from a whiteout blizzard dealing with a team of people of which do not seem to think much of her. She is powerless, unable to use her meta abilities, unable to channel her deathly villains she carries inside her soul, unable to heal, and unable to understand the difference between dream and reality.
She finally succumbs and reaches out to Reed in a dream walk and he finds her locked in her room at the agency in a coma. Unable to help her, Reed calls his team. With the help of his team, old friends and new ones, he is able to defeat Anselmo and get Sienna out of her coma.
Now, my thoughts:
I never, ever, would have expected the ending to be like that. I didn't for one second think that Sienna was trapped in her own worst nightmare. I did believe that she was in the mercy of someone who wanted her to suffer, maybe Anselmo and his team. We still don't know who drugged her enough to put her in the self deprecating coma to begin with. Crane was so vivid in his words, not leaving any hint that it was all a dream for her. I really thought she was in a quaint little town stuck in a snowstorm with people who were trying to mess with her head. Going through the whole book and not knowing who exactly did it... makes me slightly frustrated and eager for the next book to come out.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Tomorrow's the day
Tomorrow is the day that I've been waiting for for like 6 months. Yes, it really has been that long, and yes, it certainly feels longer.
I am going back to what I consider to be my hometown. Not my home, but where I grew up. Not to live, but to visit. It is long overdue and I cannot wait.
And guys, guess what!!?? Everyone is coming, minus a few people I hold dear of course. Jessica and Willow, duh, AND my parents neighbors. So it's going to be a feast of sorts. Kind of like the last cruise we went on where is was all of us, and then some. Well not really because we didnt know Jess and Wilma then, but same diff.
We are leaving tomorrow around 7-8 in the evening. Night driving makes me exhausted just thinking about it, but if anyone can do it, it's me and Papa. So we driving. We both are the only two who have to work, and we the ones driving. I dont see how its fair, but I'm not complaining because like I said, if anyone can do it it's me and him. I am NOT looking forward to the drive though. I really wish I could just snap my fingers and have us all there. Like using floo powder in the HP series. Wouldnt that be a dream.
We going to Witherbee for the first half of the week, then migrating down for the second half. I really cant wait to see all the people I left behind. I mean, not to burst my own bubble or toot my own horn, but I look pretty legit right now, I have my head on my shoulders AND it's me. So I'm excited.
Now if only I could get through these next two days at the office and its go time.
I am going back to what I consider to be my hometown. Not my home, but where I grew up. Not to live, but to visit. It is long overdue and I cannot wait.
And guys, guess what!!?? Everyone is coming, minus a few people I hold dear of course. Jessica and Willow, duh, AND my parents neighbors. So it's going to be a feast of sorts. Kind of like the last cruise we went on where is was all of us, and then some. Well not really because we didnt know Jess and Wilma then, but same diff.
We are leaving tomorrow around 7-8 in the evening. Night driving makes me exhausted just thinking about it, but if anyone can do it, it's me and Papa. So we driving. We both are the only two who have to work, and we the ones driving. I dont see how its fair, but I'm not complaining because like I said, if anyone can do it it's me and him. I am NOT looking forward to the drive though. I really wish I could just snap my fingers and have us all there. Like using floo powder in the HP series. Wouldnt that be a dream.
We going to Witherbee for the first half of the week, then migrating down for the second half. I really cant wait to see all the people I left behind. I mean, not to burst my own bubble or toot my own horn, but I look pretty legit right now, I have my head on my shoulders AND it's me. So I'm excited.
Now if only I could get through these next two days at the office and its go time.
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Even in the shadows
Sometimes, even in the darkest of shadows
We can still feel the light
The faint glow of the past
Slowly fading in time
Reminding us of what was
The glimmers of the future
Bright and wholesome
Showing us what can be
Even in the darkest of shadows
We can still feel the warmth
Of a long embrace
Reminding us of what we held dear
What we can hold again
If we take a moment
To live again
We can still feel the light
The faint glow of the past
Slowly fading in time
Reminding us of what was
The glimmers of the future
Bright and wholesome
Showing us what can be
Even in the darkest of shadows
We can still feel the warmth
Of a long embrace
Reminding us of what we held dear
What we can hold again
If we take a moment
To live again
Monday, August 31, 2015
Good or Evil
“I believe that there is one story in the world, and only one. . . .
Humans are caught—in their lives, in their thoughts, in their hungers
and ambitions, in their avarice and cruelty, and in their kindness and
generosity too—in a net of good and evil. . . . There is no other story.
A man, after he has brushed off the dust and chips of his life, will
have left only the hard, clean questions: Was it good or was it evil?
Have I done well—or ill?” East of Eden, John Steinbeck.
I guess we all have the battle within us. The struggle to define the good, the evil, the kind, the ugly. Some days, it's just easier than others to choose, some days its easier than other to choose the right side.
I guess we all have the battle within us. The struggle to define the good, the evil, the kind, the ugly. Some days, it's just easier than others to choose, some days its easier than other to choose the right side.
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