Three Days In Bed

The clock never stops
And I hate this damn phone
Some days I wanna run
From the place I call home
Guess I'm just needing some danger
Give me three days in bed
With a stranger

*JN* 

Just when I'm about to scream.  

Just when I'm about to pack my bags and go somewhere no one knows my name.

Something turns around and thoughts change.

I ended a relationship this morning.  I've been meaning to do it for a while.  It wasn't a long relationship, and I think for more than half of it I wanted out.  But there was this thing that kept me from not doing it.  He sanity.  I didn't think he could handle it.  So I made him do it.  And it was easier that way.  I don't regret it, but I'm glad the baggage is gone.  

Then I'm sitting down at a local restaurant waiting for my lunch to be done and this very handsome man comes over and asks to join me.  Of course, I say.  We chat for a bit and he asks if it's all right to ask me out for coffee. 

Sure thing, but please don't be needy, insecure, or always looking for reinforcement.  I'm not looking to settle down.  I just want a Mr. Right Now and three days in bed with a stranger.  

is that too much to ask for?

Unsure, indecisive, and uncharacteristically confused.

Unsure about so many things lately.  The anxiety I feel about it is intense some times and most definitely overwhelming.  I am not used to having anxiety.  Being unsure about things, yes, but this unsure, this many things, it's a lot.

I was trusting once.  I spoke too much and it was turned around and thrown back in my face.  The thing is, the person I trusted doesn't know that I know he broke my trust.  He thinks that I don't know he told someone else.  In fact he has come to me and told me that under no circumstances has he ever said anything to anyone.  Whatever was said stays between me, him and someone above.  BUT, he also threw in the "anyone who tells you different should not be trusted". 
He's come to me recently asking for peace, to be friends, to have what we had before.  To be honest, I kind of want that.  I want things to be easy. I dont want to have all this hatred anymore.  BUT I'm weary.
He says "I see that you smile, but there's no happiness in your eyes.  Some day I wish you'd just vomit everything out and confide in me."  Here's my thing: does he really want that, or does he want something to hold over my head again?  Am I stupid for even considering it?  Or should I just slam the door in his face and be like "you had your chance". 
"I don't mean anyone any harm, ill will, or mean to hurt anyone whether it be physically, emotionally or anything." 

Doesn't he know like he fucking broke me? 

What I need

I have this strong desire to be with people and be left alone all at the same time lately.  I want to be where I am comfortable, and that is with certain people or alone.  But yet, I want the cat and mouse game.

HOWEVER, once the game is over, and the mouse has succumbed to my trials and tribulations, my Q&A, their hoop jumping, I really feel as though I have no need for them anymore.  Is that bad?  I feel like that makes me a bad person.  

I've been thinking a lot about a relationship lately.  Both a specific relationship and relationships in general and I kind of cant even.  (that thought was so basic, ugh)  It's not that I have a problem with being with one person, my past relationships indicate that I can be, I just miss the fun, the game, the catch.  

I don't need the "oh you're so beautiful, you're amazing, you're all I've ever wanted".  Vomit.   Every once in a while when I'm down that's okay, that's appreciated, but daily, or weekly?  Grow a pair please.  I know who I am, I'm okay with me.  I mean yeah, I can afford to lose a few pounds and my winter body is no where near swimsuit season, and I'm slightly psychotic, but I'm okay with me.  I don't need affirmation ALL the time.  But more importantly, a man shouldn't need affirmation all the time either.  If I have to tell you how great you are, or how amazing sex is, or how big your cock is then most likely I don't mean it.  I'm not saying "I'm all woman hear me roar" but be strong.  I need someone strong.  Someone who is who he is without me having to tell him all the niceties all the time.  

I need space.  Lots of it.  TONS of it.  Doesn't always mean I don't want to be with a man.  Just means I want to sit on my couch alone and not have to talk to anyone.  Or not have to be next to anyone.  So don't ask me if you can come over and just watch television with me.  If I want to invite you over, I will.  I don't need to be asked daily if we can do something.  I get that you want to hang out, but I have an amazing career that I am working on, and that requires a lot of my time.  I don't want to always have to say no.  Besides that, wait for me to ask.  Make me miss you.  Make me wonder what it is that you are doing.  Make me want to ask for your time.  If I don't get that, I really just get instantly annoyed when I'm asked out all the freaking time.  

I need someone who compliments my life.  Not someone who dictates it, or needs me to dictate his, but someone who can compliment mine.  I work hard, I don't have a lot of free time, so if I'm going to give someone my free time, they should be worth it.  

I can afford to do things on my own, but it would be nice if someone can afford to pay my way for me.  I don't need them to make bank rolls of money, I just would like them to be capable of being able to support me if I needed it.  I want to go on vacations, travel the world, have nice things.  I don't want to have to pay someone elses way to get there or do those things with me.  

So bottom line, I think the perfect storyline for me would go as follows:

I find a man who has a career that is equally as important to him as mine is to me.  We enjoy each others company when we can, no pressure to see each other all the time.  We travel when we can, We do the whole holidays and weddings things together because we have that one person in which we can do those things with.  We grow a friendship.  We grow a bond.  And then at the end of the day I we find that we can't imagine going anywhere else without the other, then and only then can he put a ring on my finger (but it may never actually amount to a wedding.)

Is that too much to ask for?

Say something, I'm giving up...

On a lot of different things.

I am drained all the time lately.  Drained physically, mentally, spiritually.  All of it.  And people just keep wanting more, and more, and more.

Like I have more to give.

But when is enough, enough?

I'm unsure about almost everything lately.  I feel like someone is sitting on my chest at all times.  I feel like a need a cigarette.  I need a nap.  I need to work.  I need a drink.  I need to workout.  I need to sleep, and sleep for a long long time. 

It's exhausting some times. 

Being in this.  Being in this is exhausting. 

Sia on replay all day

"... And the worst part is, there's no one else to blame..."

Jessica and I are heading to DC next week to see Sia.  It's a birthday gift from me to her, because I can count on one hand how many songs I knew prior to buying tickets.  Now, however, I know a few... a few more than I did before, but hopefully not as many as I will know next week.

Makes me think about the things that I have done.  The things that people have done for me.

Lately I've been feeling like "is this it?  Is this all that I'll get?  Is this what I deserve?"   Not that what I have isn't enough, it's just, I see myself giving and giving, and yet... I don't get anything in return unless I ask.
I'm not trying to be selfish, I am really not.  It's just becoming exhausting.  I can take care of myself.  I've proven that time and time again.  And I can take care of others well.

But I want someone to want to take care of me.

Now whether I let them or not is a different story. 

Pretty Little Liar

Or not so pretty big fat liar.  However you want to look at it. 

But is it the lies, or is it the truth that bothers me?

I think its the truth of the unknown, the truth that I want to keep private.

I cant decide. 

But I do know this and can decide on this.  I feel badly that someone feels the need to lie to make themselves feel better and me worse. Is this what society has become?  Someone lies to make themselves feel better at anothers expense?  Or maybe its that they lie just to be. 

I don't understand all the lies.  I understand doing it to cover something up, to prevent someone from feeling bad, from revealing the truth if it could hurt someone.  But lying just to lie?  Or lying to cause drama?   I don't get it. 

No white after Labor Day

For how long after Labor day is it not acceptable to wear white?  If you think about it, the Sunday before Labor Day is still technically after the Labor Day the previous year.  Right?  So when can I wear white again?

Not that I ever really wear white anyway.... I'm more of a black and blue kind of girl.