Letters

Dear Coffee Date,
I'm not sure what it is that you want from me.  You have someone, apparently someone you aren't ready to let go of just yet.  Still, you keep calling me to meet for coffee.  As platonic as that seems, and is, why do you do it if you have someone else? 
I asked today and the answer I got was "I want a friend, someone I can talk to."  That's all fine and dandy, but what about this other woman? Can you not talk to her?  Is she not a friend? 
I understand that I am significantly younger than you, and that can be a lot.  You dont know if I'm the partying type, the stay up all night type, the crazy type.  (I'm not, but you dont know this?  What you do know is that I am younger, and most younger people want different things than older people. 
What I know, is that I am younger, and more attracted to older men than I care to admit.  What I want is to not be hidden, not be kept in someone's pocket until they've time to take me out and play with me.  What I want is to not be kept a secret.  I want a relationship.  I want to be able to go home to someone. 
What I  think you want is a doll, a sex toy you can play with for a little while without having to end your current arrangement. What I think is that I would be temporary until the new wore off.  What I think is that I would be used and tossed aside.
Part of me wants to believe that this wouldn't happen.  The other part of me knows that I've done this before and I know what to expect.

I dont know if I want you to break the streak, or if I should just walk away.


Kindy,

Hidden in your pocket

Ing's Lately

Thinking:  oh goodness, there is a plethora of thoughts running through this hamster wheel of mine. An old friend reached out to me last night and I cant stop thinking about him. 

Feeling:  Underwhelmed.  I expected more excitement from this Italian.  But it seems he wants to play games.  Game on.  I'm up for some mind fucking. 
 
Wishing:  For a vacation some kind of bad.

Wanting: See above, and a new car.

Listening:  P!nk and Jennifer Nettles on replay lately.  Although Fleetwood Mac is always in there.

Drinking: Fiber water.  Peach Mango flavored.  I really want pizza for lunch.  This will curb that craving (hopefully) or at the very least make me feel full for a bit

Eating: I will be eating salad for lunch.  30 day weight loss challenge people

Debating:This Italian man and how this one will play out.  I'm not used to not being wanted or chased after.  Not to say that he's not, its just different with him for some reason. 

May 1st

So it's May first. 

I have started this 30 day strength and weight loss challenge with my trainer and a few other people (whom I don't know).  I was excited about it.  And I still am (kind of).  But I woke up this morning weighing 3 pounds more than I did last week, so ya know, there's that.  On the plus side, I know I can lose it quickly and be ahead of the game. 

I am eager to get to the gym (kind of) and start this new chapter of continuing with my weight loss and bettering myself.  After the wedding and definitely after the half marathon, I kind of gave up.  And then I got a kidney stone and wanted to eat nothing but crackers and pasta and not move, ever.  And then the holidays came about.  And then this and then that... and then and then and then...

All excuses.  Now, I have some other health issues going on, all related to hormones, and female organs and such.  (Personally, I feel like someone can remove that shit, take it all, it only causes me problems.)

So 30 days.  30 days of accountability.  30 days of ass kicking.  30 days of healthy eating. 

I'm thinking about trying the mason jar prepared smoothie things.  Maybe I'll stop at the market on my way home from the gym. 

30 days.

Here goes nothing.

Three Days In Bed

The clock never stops
And I hate this damn phone
Some days I wanna run
From the place I call home
Guess I'm just needing some danger
Give me three days in bed
With a stranger

*JN* 

Just when I'm about to scream.  

Just when I'm about to pack my bags and go somewhere no one knows my name.

Something turns around and thoughts change.

I ended a relationship this morning.  I've been meaning to do it for a while.  It wasn't a long relationship, and I think for more than half of it I wanted out.  But there was this thing that kept me from not doing it.  He sanity.  I didn't think he could handle it.  So I made him do it.  And it was easier that way.  I don't regret it, but I'm glad the baggage is gone.  

Then I'm sitting down at a local restaurant waiting for my lunch to be done and this very handsome man comes over and asks to join me.  Of course, I say.  We chat for a bit and he asks if it's all right to ask me out for coffee. 

Sure thing, but please don't be needy, insecure, or always looking for reinforcement.  I'm not looking to settle down.  I just want a Mr. Right Now and three days in bed with a stranger.  

is that too much to ask for?

Unsure, indecisive, and uncharacteristically confused.

Unsure about so many things lately.  The anxiety I feel about it is intense some times and most definitely overwhelming.  I am not used to having anxiety.  Being unsure about things, yes, but this unsure, this many things, it's a lot.

I was trusting once.  I spoke too much and it was turned around and thrown back in my face.  The thing is, the person I trusted doesn't know that I know he broke my trust.  He thinks that I don't know he told someone else.  In fact he has come to me and told me that under no circumstances has he ever said anything to anyone.  Whatever was said stays between me, him and someone above.  BUT, he also threw in the "anyone who tells you different should not be trusted". 
He's come to me recently asking for peace, to be friends, to have what we had before.  To be honest, I kind of want that.  I want things to be easy. I dont want to have all this hatred anymore.  BUT I'm weary.
He says "I see that you smile, but there's no happiness in your eyes.  Some day I wish you'd just vomit everything out and confide in me."  Here's my thing: does he really want that, or does he want something to hold over my head again?  Am I stupid for even considering it?  Or should I just slam the door in his face and be like "you had your chance". 
"I don't mean anyone any harm, ill will, or mean to hurt anyone whether it be physically, emotionally or anything." 

Doesn't he know like he fucking broke me? 

What I need

I have this strong desire to be with people and be left alone all at the same time lately.  I want to be where I am comfortable, and that is with certain people or alone.  But yet, I want the cat and mouse game.

HOWEVER, once the game is over, and the mouse has succumbed to my trials and tribulations, my Q&A, their hoop jumping, I really feel as though I have no need for them anymore.  Is that bad?  I feel like that makes me a bad person.  

I've been thinking a lot about a relationship lately.  Both a specific relationship and relationships in general and I kind of cant even.  (that thought was so basic, ugh)  It's not that I have a problem with being with one person, my past relationships indicate that I can be, I just miss the fun, the game, the catch.  

I don't need the "oh you're so beautiful, you're amazing, you're all I've ever wanted".  Vomit.   Every once in a while when I'm down that's okay, that's appreciated, but daily, or weekly?  Grow a pair please.  I know who I am, I'm okay with me.  I mean yeah, I can afford to lose a few pounds and my winter body is no where near swimsuit season, and I'm slightly psychotic, but I'm okay with me.  I don't need affirmation ALL the time.  But more importantly, a man shouldn't need affirmation all the time either.  If I have to tell you how great you are, or how amazing sex is, or how big your cock is then most likely I don't mean it.  I'm not saying "I'm all woman hear me roar" but be strong.  I need someone strong.  Someone who is who he is without me having to tell him all the niceties all the time.  

I need space.  Lots of it.  TONS of it.  Doesn't always mean I don't want to be with a man.  Just means I want to sit on my couch alone and not have to talk to anyone.  Or not have to be next to anyone.  So don't ask me if you can come over and just watch television with me.  If I want to invite you over, I will.  I don't need to be asked daily if we can do something.  I get that you want to hang out, but I have an amazing career that I am working on, and that requires a lot of my time.  I don't want to always have to say no.  Besides that, wait for me to ask.  Make me miss you.  Make me wonder what it is that you are doing.  Make me want to ask for your time.  If I don't get that, I really just get instantly annoyed when I'm asked out all the freaking time.  

I need someone who compliments my life.  Not someone who dictates it, or needs me to dictate his, but someone who can compliment mine.  I work hard, I don't have a lot of free time, so if I'm going to give someone my free time, they should be worth it.  

I can afford to do things on my own, but it would be nice if someone can afford to pay my way for me.  I don't need them to make bank rolls of money, I just would like them to be capable of being able to support me if I needed it.  I want to go on vacations, travel the world, have nice things.  I don't want to have to pay someone elses way to get there or do those things with me.  

So bottom line, I think the perfect storyline for me would go as follows:

I find a man who has a career that is equally as important to him as mine is to me.  We enjoy each others company when we can, no pressure to see each other all the time.  We travel when we can, We do the whole holidays and weddings things together because we have that one person in which we can do those things with.  We grow a friendship.  We grow a bond.  And then at the end of the day I we find that we can't imagine going anywhere else without the other, then and only then can he put a ring on my finger (but it may never actually amount to a wedding.)

Is that too much to ask for?

Say something, I'm giving up...

On a lot of different things.

I am drained all the time lately.  Drained physically, mentally, spiritually.  All of it.  And people just keep wanting more, and more, and more.

Like I have more to give.

But when is enough, enough?

I'm unsure about almost everything lately.  I feel like someone is sitting on my chest at all times.  I feel like a need a cigarette.  I need a nap.  I need to work.  I need a drink.  I need to workout.  I need to sleep, and sleep for a long long time. 

It's exhausting some times. 

Being in this.  Being in this is exhausting.