So I haven't written about reading in what seems like forever.
Let's see here. Reading list:
Right now I am in the middle of Go Set a Watchman, by Lee Harper. To Kill a Mockingbird is, hands down, my favorite novel of all time. Was first introduced when I was in middle school and I've loved it ever since. My copy is worn, doggie eared, and well loved. Go Set a Watchman reintroduces all of my favorite characters, minus Jem, in a story similar to the one we are facing today with the racial differences. Scout is still naive in everything she does and sees along the way so even though the story is set some 20 years later, she's still young.
Yellow Crocus, by Laila Ibrahim. FANTASTIC! If you liked The Help you'll love this one too. The novel doesn't have the humor so much as The Help, but it has the love between slave and master, dark and light. It is based on a true story which gets me because who really lived like that? It seems so foreign to me that people actually lived with slaves. People abused slaves to get what they wanted or simply just because they could. Mattie and Lisbeth story is one of unconditional love that was lost and found again years later after they both escaped a world that they found they didn't love.
The Cure, Angelica Kate. Kinda sci-fi-ish. YA. Good. Not something that I normally would have read, but I won it as a Goodreads giveaway (ever done this? No? You should. Enter to win free books that are either coming out soon, just in production, or just came out and the author needs to get the word out.) I didn't expect to like it as much as I did. It has scandal, miracles, love, and happy endings.
More Than You Know, Nan Rossiter. This one I didn't expect to like as much as I did either. The reviews for it were mixed. Some loved, others hated. Three sisters try to figure out their mothers great secret after her death. In the meantime, they find each other, themselves and others in the process. This story has scandal, love and happy endings too. Who doesn't love happy endings?
I've read more, lots more, but that's the gist for now. I'd recommend any of these in a heartbeat. Pick em up!
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Lessons learned in the past few days
It's enough to last me a lifetime really.
1. Don't ever beg. It's not flattering, it makes one appear weak and unattractive, and most importantly, one shouldn't have to beg. If someone (in this case a man) was kind and generous and gave even two craps about you, things, attactions, thoughts, would be given without even having to ask simply because they care.
2. One can endure more than they think. Last Thursday I was exhausted, mentally, physically, all around just exhausted. I went home from work, changed into some running shorts and hit the road. I ran, and ran, and ran... and when I thought I couldn't run anymore, I had to turn around and run home. I am by no means a distance runner. 2-3 miles is about the max for me. Thursday however, I found something deep inside me that kept me going. Some need to leave it all out on the road I guess. My father used to tease me in high school when I ran track that it wasn't a good race unless you left something on the track. If you could stand at the end of a race, you didn't give it all you had. Thursday I left everything I had on the road, and went to bed some 2 hours and 8+ miles later even more exhausted than I was before. But I slept wonderfully.
3. Not everyone can be what I want them to be and I cant change them. I can only change me, change my perceptions, change what it is that I need. BUT, and this is a big but, I shouldn't have to change myself. If one doesn't want to treat me the way that I deserve to be treated then that's fine, they can take a backseat role in my life.
4. Validation. I would like to think that I am a beautiful person, inside and out. I know that I try to treat others the way that I would like to be treated. I want to be seen as beautiful in the eyes of others, but I don't need validation from anyone else. I myself am good enough.
5. Sometimes, doing what's right and what's needed are two different things. Sometimes, being able to walk away is the best thing possible.
1. Don't ever beg. It's not flattering, it makes one appear weak and unattractive, and most importantly, one shouldn't have to beg. If someone (in this case a man) was kind and generous and gave even two craps about you, things, attactions, thoughts, would be given without even having to ask simply because they care.
2. One can endure more than they think. Last Thursday I was exhausted, mentally, physically, all around just exhausted. I went home from work, changed into some running shorts and hit the road. I ran, and ran, and ran... and when I thought I couldn't run anymore, I had to turn around and run home. I am by no means a distance runner. 2-3 miles is about the max for me. Thursday however, I found something deep inside me that kept me going. Some need to leave it all out on the road I guess. My father used to tease me in high school when I ran track that it wasn't a good race unless you left something on the track. If you could stand at the end of a race, you didn't give it all you had. Thursday I left everything I had on the road, and went to bed some 2 hours and 8+ miles later even more exhausted than I was before. But I slept wonderfully.
3. Not everyone can be what I want them to be and I cant change them. I can only change me, change my perceptions, change what it is that I need. BUT, and this is a big but, I shouldn't have to change myself. If one doesn't want to treat me the way that I deserve to be treated then that's fine, they can take a backseat role in my life.
4. Validation. I would like to think that I am a beautiful person, inside and out. I know that I try to treat others the way that I would like to be treated. I want to be seen as beautiful in the eyes of others, but I don't need validation from anyone else. I myself am good enough.
5. Sometimes, doing what's right and what's needed are two different things. Sometimes, being able to walk away is the best thing possible.
Monday, August 24, 2015
Mental game 1000 and doing things my own way
Sometimes it takes every part of me to remember that not everyone thinks the way I do, does things the way that I do, or feels the way I do.
As much as I want my "smell good god" to say something, ANYTHING, just because I want him to and because I would does not mean that he will. I can reach out to him, and get him to say something, but in doing so, in giving in, makes me weak. I need to step my mental game up times 1000 today.
My staff. I am going on vacation in about 3 weeks and I swear I feel like my staff will never be ready. I don't know if its lack of training, lack of interest, or lack of ambition to do anything , but I swear, they couldn't find their assholes if I wasn't there to tell them where it is. Is it so hard to think outside the box? Or not even outside the box, just think "what would Amanda do in this situation?" that would be WONDERFUL!
I cant say that I am an overly empathic person, but I really try to be good, do good and show good. I don't know why it's so hard for some people to do the same.
Sometimes, it's just way easier to do things myself because 1) they'll be done correctly, 2) they'll be done in timely manner and 3) I wont have to check behind someone to make sure that its all done right anyway. (that very well be the OCD in me, but come on, I am the responsible party if anything goes wrong in the office)
And men are stupid. If they could just for one minute think: "this is how she would do it" or "this is how she would feel if I did this" and then didnt do it, my life would be easier.
As much as I want my "smell good god" to say something, ANYTHING, just because I want him to and because I would does not mean that he will. I can reach out to him, and get him to say something, but in doing so, in giving in, makes me weak. I need to step my mental game up times 1000 today.
My staff. I am going on vacation in about 3 weeks and I swear I feel like my staff will never be ready. I don't know if its lack of training, lack of interest, or lack of ambition to do anything , but I swear, they couldn't find their assholes if I wasn't there to tell them where it is. Is it so hard to think outside the box? Or not even outside the box, just think "what would Amanda do in this situation?" that would be WONDERFUL!
I cant say that I am an overly empathic person, but I really try to be good, do good and show good. I don't know why it's so hard for some people to do the same.
Sometimes, it's just way easier to do things myself because 1) they'll be done correctly, 2) they'll be done in timely manner and 3) I wont have to check behind someone to make sure that its all done right anyway. (that very well be the OCD in me, but come on, I am the responsible party if anything goes wrong in the office)
And men are stupid. If they could just for one minute think: "this is how she would do it" or "this is how she would feel if I did this" and then didnt do it, my life would be easier.
Friday, August 21, 2015
Should be a rule...
Should be a rule...
1... that there is an extra day between Saturday and Sunday. I need to not be at work some kind of bad. I need a break. From staff, myself and physicians. Definitely physicians.
2... that if you're going to push someone against the wall, kiss them and tell them all the pretty little lies that they want to hear , that you cant walk away. Secondly to this, don't push someone against the wall the SECOND day, touch in all the right (or wrong, depending on how you view it) places, say things you clearly don't mean, and then just walk away AGAIN.
3... that you can't say you're sorry if you don't mean it. Don't say you're sorry repeatedly if one, you don't mean it, or two, you know full well that you are going to repeat the action that made you feel the need to apologize in the first place. You're apologies clearly mean nothing. So don't waste your breath or my time.
4... that if a woman wants to be formidable, insensitive and such, they should just be able to push a button and a sheath of armor should come over them so that they can't show their feelings, or better yet, can't feel.
1... that there is an extra day between Saturday and Sunday. I need to not be at work some kind of bad. I need a break. From staff, myself and physicians. Definitely physicians.
2... that if you're going to push someone against the wall, kiss them and tell them all the pretty little lies that they want to hear , that you cant walk away. Secondly to this, don't push someone against the wall the SECOND day, touch in all the right (or wrong, depending on how you view it) places, say things you clearly don't mean, and then just walk away AGAIN.
3... that you can't say you're sorry if you don't mean it. Don't say you're sorry repeatedly if one, you don't mean it, or two, you know full well that you are going to repeat the action that made you feel the need to apologize in the first place. You're apologies clearly mean nothing. So don't waste your breath or my time.
4... that if a woman wants to be formidable, insensitive and such, they should just be able to push a button and a sheath of armor should come over them so that they can't show their feelings, or better yet, can't feel.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
28 reasons...
I am a believer in a pros and cons list.
I do it with almost every big decision I have ever made. Though it may seem silly, it keeps me focused, centered on what it is exactly that I want.
Though, lately, with this one decision I am having a hard time putting together my list. Indecisiveness? Unwillingness to put everything down on paper? Scared that I may not like what I see, or perhaps I'll like it too much. I am unsure.
What does everyone else do? Do they just go with whatever and hope for the best?
See, I know that this has the potential to turn out bad, really bad, but still I am contemplating anyway.
Do they go with their gut? Their brain? Their heart?
Gut is gurgling with anger because I need to eat so really, he's no help. Brain is saying, stupid girl, don't do it. Heart is saying, you only live once.
Dwelling about things doesn't make the decision or this choice any easier. All I can say is this, it is literally all I've thought about for a week. It makes me weak. Don't want to eat, cant sleep. I'm just so out of sorts.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
But I guess only time will tell.
I do it with almost every big decision I have ever made. Though it may seem silly, it keeps me focused, centered on what it is exactly that I want.
Though, lately, with this one decision I am having a hard time putting together my list. Indecisiveness? Unwillingness to put everything down on paper? Scared that I may not like what I see, or perhaps I'll like it too much. I am unsure.
What does everyone else do? Do they just go with whatever and hope for the best?
See, I know that this has the potential to turn out bad, really bad, but still I am contemplating anyway.
Do they go with their gut? Their brain? Their heart?
Gut is gurgling with anger because I need to eat so really, he's no help. Brain is saying, stupid girl, don't do it. Heart is saying, you only live once.
Dwelling about things doesn't make the decision or this choice any easier. All I can say is this, it is literally all I've thought about for a week. It makes me weak. Don't want to eat, cant sleep. I'm just so out of sorts.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
But I guess only time will tell.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Letters
Dear Mr. No Ass,
Yesterday was a whirlwind for me. I'm not really sure how to put it into words recognizable to you, and for that I am dearly sorry. My thought processes have a tendency to not make sense outside my own head. At times, I feel like this is a good thing. This allows for me to keep secrets, oh and the glorious secrets one can keep. Here's the thing: I speak in riddles, I occasionally write in riddles, and my thoughts, those two are riddles. I understand, I don't understand how you don't understand. It is not going to be easy for me to, as you put it, "just say it, or spit it out". Nor, do I know if I am willing to try. I'll think about it.
Emotions were raw and undefinable yesterday. You kept asking me "what do you want from me?". What do I want from you?! I am unsure how you expect me to just blurt out what I am unsure of, when you yourself will not tell me what it is that you want from me. It was a back and forth roller coaster of "what are we going to do?", "what do you want?", and "can we do this?" kinda thing.
I am not sure. Sooner or later though, and I would prefer like right now, so sooner is better, we are going to literally sit down and hash this out. Answer ALL the questions. Define EVERYTHING. Establish LINES. This is not something we can enter lightly.
And I'm sorry, but I just DON'T know.
Sincerely yours,
Truly, madly, deeply yours,
These are real
Dear time,
Please either slow down to a stop preferably on my off days, or speed up to my vacation days. I need one some kinda bad or shit is about to get ugly in this office. I cant afford to fire people before my vaca, so something is got to give because I cant deal with stupid much more.
Thanks in advance,
In desperate need for a break
Dear KSG,
What happened? Is it sad that I have no idea, and kinda don't care. The only thing that comes to mind lately is "say something I'm giving up on you". ( The Great Big World sounds better in my head than my voice does, so that works...)
Kindly,
Non-believer
Yesterday was a whirlwind for me. I'm not really sure how to put it into words recognizable to you, and for that I am dearly sorry. My thought processes have a tendency to not make sense outside my own head. At times, I feel like this is a good thing. This allows for me to keep secrets, oh and the glorious secrets one can keep. Here's the thing: I speak in riddles, I occasionally write in riddles, and my thoughts, those two are riddles. I understand, I don't understand how you don't understand. It is not going to be easy for me to, as you put it, "just say it, or spit it out". Nor, do I know if I am willing to try. I'll think about it.
Emotions were raw and undefinable yesterday. You kept asking me "what do you want from me?". What do I want from you?! I am unsure how you expect me to just blurt out what I am unsure of, when you yourself will not tell me what it is that you want from me. It was a back and forth roller coaster of "what are we going to do?", "what do you want?", and "can we do this?" kinda thing.
I am not sure. Sooner or later though, and I would prefer like right now, so sooner is better, we are going to literally sit down and hash this out. Answer ALL the questions. Define EVERYTHING. Establish LINES. This is not something we can enter lightly.
And I'm sorry, but I just DON'T know.
Sincerely yours,
Truly, madly, deeply yours,
These are real
Dear time,
Please either slow down to a stop preferably on my off days, or speed up to my vacation days. I need one some kinda bad or shit is about to get ugly in this office. I cant afford to fire people before my vaca, so something is got to give because I cant deal with stupid much more.
Thanks in advance,
In desperate need for a break
Dear KSG,
What happened? Is it sad that I have no idea, and kinda don't care. The only thing that comes to mind lately is "say something I'm giving up on you". ( The Great Big World sounds better in my head than my voice does, so that works...)
Kindly,
Non-believer
Monday, August 17, 2015
Ing's Lately
Thinking: ugh, about all the work I need to do on this delightful *read my sarcasm* Monday, one of my physicians, payroll, new employees... the list goes on and on and on...
Feeling: I had a sore throat and white spots over the weekend, so feeling like I didn't get enough rest to gear up for this week
Wishing: For my vacation to NY in September to be like... tomorrow.
Wanting: My grapefruit from the fridge at home.
Listening: to the Maroon5 station currently on Pandora.
Drinking: vanilla caramel coffee, black, hot and perfect.
Eating: Nothing because I forgot my grapefruit.
Debating: what to each for lunch already, because I forgot my grapefruit.
Feeling: I had a sore throat and white spots over the weekend, so feeling like I didn't get enough rest to gear up for this week
Wishing: For my vacation to NY in September to be like... tomorrow.
Wanting: My grapefruit from the fridge at home.
Listening: to the Maroon5 station currently on Pandora.
Drinking: vanilla caramel coffee, black, hot and perfect.
Eating: Nothing because I forgot my grapefruit.
Debating: what to each for lunch already, because I forgot my grapefruit.
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